Module 4: Coming Out

MATT: Remember how Kallie was saying that people tend to assume everyone’s straight?

That means, if you’re LGBTQ, you have to come out and tell people, if you want them to know.

JAY: I first came out to a high school friend. But it’s not like you tell one person and then boom, you’re out!

I have to keep coming out over and over again to family, friends, new people at school…

KALLIE: Sometimes I get nervous that people will judge me or treat me differently. Like, I had this job interview last week, and the boss was asking me which campus organizations I’m involved in. And I was like, well… can I say the LGBTQ club? Or is that going to ruin my chances for the job, if the boss is homophobic?

MATT: Sometimes you can be out in certain situations but not others. Like, I’m out here at school, but I still haven’t come out to some people in my hometown.

EMMA: You don’t think they’d understand?

MATT: Some of them are really traditional…they’ve said things that make me think they wouldn’t be okay with it. So whenever I see them, I kinda, like, pretend to be straight.

But I did come out to my brother, and he was really cool about it. He was like, “That’s awesome, Matt, thanks for telling me. But you’re still my dorky little brother.”

(KALLIE, EMMA, JAY, and ROBBY all laugh.)

JAY: So if someone comes out to you, it’s really important to let them know that you support them and that it doesn’t change the way you think about them.

MATT: Y’know, Robby was the first person I came out to at school.

ROBBY: How’d I do?

MATT: You were pretty cool! Even though, when I first told you, I think you sort of thought I was joking.

JAY: A lot of times when I come out to people, they act like I’m just going through a phase. Like I just woke up one day and decided to be trans.

MATT: Oh, yeah—being bi, I get that, too. Or like, “You’re just confused! Pick a side!”

KALLIE: Sometimes people I don’t even know that well will ask me these really personal questions about sex, like uhh…

“Oh, you’re gay? So what do lesbians even do in bed?”

ALL: (Agreement sounds)

EMMA: So how should you respond when someone comes out to you?

JAY: The biggest thing: listen, thank them for sharing with you, and let them know that it doesn’t change the fact that you’re friends.

KALLIE: And you can definitely ask questions, just maybe less invasive ones, like if they’re dating anyone.

MATT: It’s always cool to ask if they’re coming out to you in confidence. Because even though they’re telling you, it doesn’t mean they want to be out to everybody. You should never “out” someone unless they tell you it’s okay to tell other people.

ROBBY: If I had known what I know now when Matt first came out to me, I think I could have been much more supportive.

KALLIE (to user): Now, you get to hear this conversation. Imagine you're Robby speaking to your new roommate, Matt. I'll occasionally chime in to comment on what's said in the example conversations.

MATT (thinking to himself): Pretty nervous about telling him… hope he’s cool with it.

KALLIE: Some things you say might affect how stressed he feels about talking to you about this. And remember: at this point, it’s only a few weeks into Matt and Robby’s first semester of school, so they aren’t very close friends yet.

Your Goal

Make Matt feel comfortable and supported.

Good Example of Conversation in which you achieve your goal

ROBBY: …So this weekend I’m gonna go visit her, and maybe next month she’ll come here…

MATT: Long-distance sounds hard, man.

ROBBY: Oh, yeah.

MATT: …So, I actually wanted to talk to you about something, if that’s okay?

ROBBY: Sure, what’s up?

MATT: Well, you know, we’re roommates, and I feel like we’re getting to be good friends, and you’ve been telling me about your girlfriend… so I wanted to tell you that I’m… I’m actually… bisexual. (silence for a second) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.

ROBBY: Wow, I’m really glad you felt like you could tell me. It doesn’t, like, change the fact that we’re friends or anything. Thanks for letting me know.

MATT: Thanks, man. That’s great to hear.

KALLIE: Great job! That really made Matt feel accepted and comfortable. You could end the conversation at any time after this, or continue and ask him a few questions about his experience. Some questions are better than others.

ROBBY: I gotta be honest… I don’t really know much about this stuff. I’ve never met anyone who was bi or gay or anything before.

MATT: That’s okay. Y’know, being bisexual is just, like, one part of who I am. It’s not like I’m suddenly a different guy than you’ve known up ‘til now. You just know me a little better.

ROBBY: Right. That makes sense.

ROBBY: Have you told anyone else on campus?

MATT: You’re actually the first person I’ve come out to at school.

ROBBY: So, is it, like, a secret?

MATT: No. I mean, I’d prefer if you didn’t, like, randomly go around telling people, “Matt’s bi!” for no reason, but no—I’m pretty comfortable with who I am, and I don’t plan on making it a secret or anything.

KALLIE: Nice. That was a really respectful question and showed that you’re sensitive to the fact that what he’s telling you might be confidential.

ROBBY: So you dating anyone?

MATT: Not right now. But there’s actually this cute girl in my econ class who I kinda like.

ROBBY: Well, if you ever, y’know, need the room some night, just text me. I’ll crash somewhere else.

MATT: (laughs) You too. Just say the word.

ROBBY: How long have you known?

MATT: On some level, I’ve kind of always known that I felt different. But I really figured it out in high school.

Like, I’d get crushes on girls and guys, and I didn’t feel like I could say, “I just want to be with girls” or “I just want to be with guys.”

ROBBY: So, do you like guys and girls equally, or how does that work for you?

MATT: Yeah. I mean, I’m open to having a relationship with a guy or a girl. And as far as who I’m attracted to, it depends on the person.

MATT (thinking to himself): I know that can be hard to wrap your head around. That’s a good question, though.

ROBBY: I’m really glad you told me—it definitely doesn’t change the fact that we’re friends. Y’know, if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.

MATT: Thanks, man. That’s really good to hear.

Examples of not achieving your goals in the conversation

ROBBY: …So this weekend I’m gonna go visit her, and maybe next month she’ll come here…

MATT: Long-distance sounds hard, man.

ROBBY: Oh, yeah.

MATT: …So, I actually wanted to talk to you about something, if that’s okay?

ROBBY: Sure, what’s up?

ROBBY: Are you sure you’re not just… gay?

MATT: Uh… yeah.

ROBBY: Because I’ve heard that bisexuality doesn’t really exist. Like bi people are really gay, but they just haven’t figured it out yet.

MATT: I’ve… thought pretty hard about this for a long time, and “gay” just isn’t the right word for me. I am attracted to men, but I’m attracted to women, too. So I’m definitely bi.

KALLIE: Suggesting that Matt’s “just gay” could make it seem like you don’t think he’s the expert on his own sexual orientation. It also sends the message that his identity as bi isn’t valid. Let's go back and hear a different way of responding.

ROBBY: Uh, okay, whatever. Listen, I really gotta get back to my reading.

MATT: Oh, yeah. Sorry.

KALLIE: Matt just opened up to you about something really important to him. Ignoring it and changing the subject sends the message that you don’t care or aren’t okay with it. Let's go back and hear a different way of responding.

ROBBY: Wait… you’re just messing with me, right?

MATT: Uh…nope. Not messing with you. I’m bi.

MATT (thinking to himself): Do you think being bi is like, funny, or something?

ROBBY: Uh, okay, whatever. I don’t care.

MATT: (tentatively.) Oh… okay…

MATT (thinking to himself): …Are you cool with this? I can’t tell…

KALLIE: I think Robby means to say that Matt’s sexual orientation doesn’t change how he sees him, which is good. But he should be careful with saying, “I don’t care”—it could come across like he's minimizing what Matt is telling him.

ROBBY: Y’know, I knew it.

MATT: What do you mean?

ROBBY: Like, I could— I could tell there was something different about you. That you weren’t, y’know, straight or something.

MATT: Uh… okay.

KALLIE: When someone comes out to you, saying you already “knew it” sort of undermines how hard it might have been for them to share this with you.

ROBBY: Just so you know—I’m straight. So… I’m not into that sorta thing.

MATT: No, I know, I’m not… attracted to you. Just because I’m bi doesn’t mean I’m attracted to every person who comes along.

ROBBY: So when did you decide to be bi?

MATT: Well, it wasn’t a decision. On some level, I’ve always felt different— like, I’d get crushes on girls and on guys, and I didn’t feel like I could say, “I just want to be with girls” or ‘I just want to be with guys.”

MATT (thinking to himself): (sighs) “Decided to be bi?” It wasn’t a choice, dude.

ROBBY: Okay, so, if you had to choose, who would you rather sleep with? A guy or a girl?

MATT: (laughs lightly.) Um…y’know…I don’t really think of it like that… It’s really more about the person.

KALLIE: So, Robby hasen’t known Matt for very long, and questions about sex can be kind of personal. Keep in mind that just because someone comes out to you doesn’t mean they’ll want to talk all about their sex life.

ROBBY: If I were you, and I liked girls too, I’d just be straight. Save myself the trouble.

MATT: It’s… not really something I can choose like that. Being straight would be denying a big part of who I am.

ROBBY: So you’re attracted to like… guys’ junk? Why?

MATT: Um, it’s—I mean—why are— why are you attracted to… women’s breasts?

ROBBY: …Because they’re women’s breasts.

MATT: (laughs) Yeah, it’s hard to explain why we’re attracted to the people we are.

ROBBY: So when you’re with guys, are you a top or a bottom?

MATT: Uh… haha, um…honestly, I’m not really comfortable answering that right now.

MATT (thinking to himself): Jeez, dude, we just met, like, two weeks ago! Chill out.