Module 5: Friends in Need

MATT: Coming out to people can be hard sometimes. But I’m glad I have friends I can talk to if I need to.

JAY: Yeah. And I’ve met a lot of cool people through the LGBTQ club—some of them have gone through similar things.

ROBBY: That’s cool that there’s a club on campus.

JAY: Yeah. Some schools also have an LGBTQ affairs office… or the Office of Student Life or Multicultural Affairs might have an LGBTQ division…

KALLIE: Yeah, they have, like, events, and programs for LGBTQ students and their friends, or anyone who’s interested and wants to learn more. It’s a good place to get information or talk to somebody if you want.

ROBBY: And, y’know—whether or not you’re LGBTQ—there’s always support services on campus if you’re feeling really stressed. Some schools call it the counseling center, or the mental health services office. I have a work-study job at the counseling center here, and I know they help people all the time.

Like, my friend lost his dad last year and he was in bad shape. So I told him, “There’s no shame in talking to someone when you need to. It’s not healthy to hold it in."

KALLIE: I wish someone had told me that my first semester. I was…really struggling for a while, actually. That was back before I knew most of you. Well, I had a class with Jay.

JAY: Oh, yeah, I remember… we were paired up for that final project… and toward the end, you seemed… like something might have been going on with you? Like, you seemed really stressed and distracted. But I didn’t know if I should bring it up or if it was a big deal...

MATT: Yeah, I mean, everyone gets stressed sometimes, so how do you know when you’re supposed to ask if they’re okay, or if they need help?

ROBBY: Everyone has ups and downs. But if you notice a friend is doing things that seem…out of character—like saying things that scare you, losing their temper, crying—

or if there seems to be a big change in your friend—like they’re sleeping a lot more or less, drinking more than normal, gaining or losing a lot of weight, spending a lot of time alone, losing interest in things… it’s always good to reach out and ask if they’re okay. Trust your instinct—if you’re worried about a friend, do something to try and help them.

JAY: So, I was kind of worried about Kallie. How would I have brought that up to her?

ROBBY: Well, it’s tricky because you don’t want to sound judgmental.

Like, if Kallie seemed really tense and stressed out, you wouldn’t want to say something like, “You freak out about everything.” That would just make Kallie defensive and keep her from listening to you.

Here are three ways you could fix a statement like that to make it sound less judgmental:

Use “I” statements. You don’t know how Kallie feels. All you know is what you notice about her behavior. “I” statements—sentences that start with “I think,” “I feel,” or “it seems like”—focus on what you notice, rather than jumping to conclusions, so they’re less likely to make her defensive.
Avoid negative labels. “Freak out” sounds bad. Like, no one wants to be told they “freak out”. Instead, say it in a softer way that Kallie is less likely to deny.
Don’t exaggerate. Even if she stresses a lot, she probably doesn’t stress about everything. So instead of exaggerating, focus on something specific.

ROBBY: With those three things in mind, instead of saying, "You freak out about everything," you could say, "it seems like you're stressed about our project." This sentence actually says more than the first one, and it’s less likely to upset her.

Then you can ask her questions to see if you’re right and, if so, why she’s stressed. Like, "How are you doing?"

ROBBY: Let’s go back in time to when Jay and Kallie were working on that project together. Imagine you're Jay. Some things you say might increase or reduce her stress. I'll comment at times on what's said in the conversation.

Your goals

Talk with Kallie about what you’ve noticed and find out what’s going on
Connect her with resources that might help

Good Example of Conversation in which you achieve your goals

JAY: So, how’s the presentation coming along?

KALLIE: Umm… I didn’t get to that yet, actually.

JAY: Uh, okay. Well, this is due on Friday, so… you think you can have it done by tomorrow?

(Kallie is staring off, not responding.)

JAY: Kallie?

KALLIE: Umm… sorry. Yeah, sure. Tomorrow’s fine.

JAY: Hey, you kinda spaced out for a second. Everything okay?

KALLIE: Yeah, sorry, I’ve just slept like, five hours in the past two days. There’s so much going on.

JAY: Like what?

KALLIE: Like finals and stuff… trying to get everything done before break. I’ve been in the library so late all week. And then when I actually try to sleep, I, like, can’t turn my brain off.

JAY: Not being able to sleep is the worst. What’s keeping you up?

KALLIE: Well, y’know, finals and thinking about break coming up, spending all this time around my parents and dealing with all of that… it’s just really stressful.

JAY: So… being around your parents is really stressful for you.

KALLIE: Yeah…they’re just really judgmental, and they don’t, like, know me, y’know?

JAY: In what way?

KALLIE: Well, like… (pause) I came out at the beginning of school, but I haven’t told them yet. They’re just not okay with gay people, so I know it’d be a bad idea.

But the thought of being around them for all of break, and going back in the closet… I can’t deal with it. It’s like, all I’m thinking about. I can’t get any of my work done, and I don’t know what to do.

JAY: Wow, thanks for telling me. That sounds like a really tough spot to be in.

KALLIE: Yeah, it is. Especially because my girlfriend really wants me to tell them—she’s always talking about how proud I should be of who I am—and I am proud, but…

I’m just worried that my parents are gonna, like, stop talking to me, or cut me off.

KALLIE (thinking to herself): You seem pretty cool with me unloading all of this on you.

JAY: I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, Kallie. Just so you know, I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.

KALLIE: Thanks Ugh, I wish I could just like, crawl into a hole and disappear, y’know?

JAY: Kallie, when you said you want to “disappear”…does that mean you’ve thought about hurting yourself or suicide?

KALLIE: Oh—no. No, no, no. I just meant it as an expression, y’know? Like, I wish I didn’t have to make this decision.

ROBBY: Great job. Kallie doesn’t seem to be at risk for suicide; but, if a friend says something like, "I just want to disappear," it's always good to ask.

JAY: I know when I’m stressed about stuff, it’s good to have other people to talk to about it. Do you know about the LGBTQ club here?

KALLIE: Um… yeah. I think I saw it at the club fair a few months ago, but I haven’t gone to any meetings or anything.

JAY: You might like to check it out… My good friend belongs. I know he really likes being able to hang out with people who have gone through similar stuff.

KALLIE: That sounds cool… Do you mind asking your friend to let me know when the next meeting is?

JAY: Definitely. Or, how ‘bout I send both of you an email to introduce you?

KALLIE: That would be great. Thanks.

KALLIE (thinking to herself): I keep meaning to go to a meeting, but I felt weird about being the new person… It’ll be easier to go if I know someone.

JAY: You know, another person you could talk to is, well… Have you ever considered talking to a counselor? I’ve heard they’re great at talking through whatever’s stressing you out and helping you figure out what you wanna do.

KALLIE: Uh… no, I’ve never done that. But, I mean, how would they help? What do they know about this?

JAY: I mean, right now it seems like you’re being pulled in a bunch of different directions. Your family, your girlfriend… and that’s really hard. A counselor is totally objective. And they’re trained to help you think about the pros and cons of your options to come up with a game plan.

KALLIE: Yeah, I mean, that sounds okay, but… I don’t know.

KALLIE (thinking to herself): Maybe someone, like, older and wiser would have some good perspective…

ROBBY: Nice job. Bringing up the idea of counseling as a question made Kallie more open to the idea.

JAY: So, what’s holding you back from going to a counselor?

KALLIE: Well I… I just think it’d be kind of weird to talk to a stranger about all this personal stuff.

JAY: That’s fair. A few of my friends who have gone said they were a little nervous at first; but then, once they got going, it was actually really good to have a completely objective person to talk to.

KALLIE: That does sound good… but I don’t even know where the office is, though, or , like, anything about it.

JAY: I know where it is—I’d be happy to walk over there with you if you want.

KALLIE: Are you sure? I don’t wanna make you go out of your way…

JAY: Not at all. It’s actually really close to my next class.

KALLIE: Well… okay. That’s really nice of you. Thanks, Jay.

Weak Example of Conversation

JAY: So, how’s the presentation coming along?

KALLIE: Umm… I didn’t get to that yet, actually.

JAY: Uh, okay. Well, this is due on Friday, so… you think you can have it done by tomorrow?

(Kallie is staring off, not responding.)

JAY: Kallie?

KALLIE: Umm… sorry. Yeah, sure. Tomorrow’s fine.

JAY: What’s wrong with you today?

KALLIE: What do you mean?

JAY: You’re acting really weird.

KALLIE: Um… sorry. I guess I’m just tired.

KALLIE (thinking to herself): Really weird? Well, maybe I’ve got a lot more on my mind than just this project…

ROBBY: “Really weird” is not the nicest way of describing Kallie’s behavior. Using a negative label like that won’t make her want to open up. Try bringing up concerns a different way.

JAY: You’re always missing our deadlines. What’s going on with you?

KALLIE: Nothing. And I mean, I haven’t missed every deadline... I’ll get it done.

Robby: That was kind of harsh. Even if Kallie’s been struggling with the work, saying she “always” misses deadlines is probably an exaggeration, and it’s sure to put her on the defensive. Let's go back and hear a better approach.

JAY: It seems like you’ve been having some trouble making our deadlines for this.

KALLIE: I know, I’m sorry. I’ve just been really stressed out. There are like a million things going on.

JAY: What kinda things?

KALLIE: Like finals and stuff… trying to get everything done before break. I’ve been in the library so late all week. And then when I actually try to sleep, I can’t turn my brain off.

KALLIE (thinking to herself): I really gotta pull it together…People are starting to notice.

JAY: You seem like you’re freaking out.

KALLIE: I’m not freaking out. Look, I’m fine, okay?

ROBBY: "Freaking out" is probably an exaggeration and not the nicest way to put this. Negative labels often make people defensive.

JAY: Yeah, this time of year is really busy for everybody. Just gotta drink a lot of coffee and power through.

KALLIE: (sighs) Yeah, I’m trying…

ROBBY: You don’t really understand what’s going on with Kallie. Giving cliché advice can close down the conversation; it doesn’t make her want to open up to you.

JAY: Not being able to sleep is the worst. What’s keeping you up?

KALLIE: Well, y’know, finals and thinking about break coming up, spending all this time around my parents and dealing with all of that… it’s just really stressful.

JAY: I think you’re blowing things out of proportion. All the work gets done eventually. And nobody likes spending a lot of time with their parents, but you’ll get through it.

KALLIE: Uh, no offense, but you don’t even know the half of it.

ROBBY: Jay used an “I” statement (“I think you’re…”), which was good. But then he judged Kallie by saying she’s blowing things out of proportion. Jay doesn’t really know what’s going on, and being judgmental won’t make Kallie want to open up to him.

JAY: Sorry, you’re right. What do you have to deal with with your parents?

KALLIE: They’re just really judgmental, and they don’t, like, know me, y’know?

JAY: In what way?

KALLIE: Well, like… (pause) I came out at the beginning of school, but I haven’t told them yet. They’re just not okay with gay people, so I know it’d be a bad idea.

KALLIE (thinking to herself): Whew. Feels so good to just get that off my chest.

JAY: That’s a decision a lot of people have to make. You’ll figure out what you wanna do in your own time.

KALLIE: Yeah, I guess… it’s just… I can’t concentrate on anything else!

ROBBY: Jay's right—but that kind of sounded like he was shrugging Kallie off and minimizing what she’s telling him. Instead, let's hear him try empathizing with her and telling her he understands this is a difficult decision.

JAY: I have a friend who went through something like that last year. He wanted to tell his family he’s gay, but he was afraid he’d lose them… it was really hard on him.

KALLIE: What’d he decide?

JAY: Well, he ended up telling them. I think he wrote them a letter.

KALLIE: My girlfriend really wants me to tell them. She’s like, “Well, you should be able to be yourself around them, and introduce me to them”… but I don’t know. I’m afraid they’re gonna stop talking to me… or cut me off…

JAY: You should talk to a counselor about this stuff—it’ll make you feel a lot better.

KALLIE: Um, I don’t think I need therapy. Like, yeah, I have a lot on my mind right now, but I’m not, like, messed up.

ROBBY: Telling someone they “should” go to counseling is likely to make them defensive and less open to considering the idea.

JAY: At first, I thought that’s what it meant to go to a counselor, too. But it actually isn’t like that..

Lots of people go because they just like having someone to talk to who, like, really knows what they’re talking about

KALLIE: Have you ever gone?

JAY: I haven’t, but a few of my friends have, when they were stressed out about school or family or whatever. They said it was really helpful.

KALLIE: Hmm… I guess it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever…

JAY: You just need to get over your fears and go to the counselor. Trust me, it’ll help you.

KALLIE: I think I know what I need, thanks.

ROBBY: Remember, giving strong advice—like telling someone what they “should” or “should not” do—often makes them argue more strongly for the other side.

JAY: So, it sounds like you’re not so into talking to a counselor.

ROBBY: When Kallie said that she “wished she could crawl into a hole and disappear,” it was best to ask her if she’d ever considered harming herself. Kallie didn’t seem to be at risk for suicide, but here are some signs that a friend may be at risk:

Withdrawn or isolated
Extreme mood swings
Sense of purposelessness or hopelessness
Anger
Pessimism about the future
Saying things that scare you

If you notice any of these things, it’s really important to ask directly if your friend has considered suicide.

You can say something like, “Sometimes, when people are going through this kind of stuff, they may think about suicide or hurting themselves. Have you had any thoughts like that?”

If you ever think a friend is in immediate danger of hurting themselves or someone else, call someone: 911, campus police, or a crisis hotline, like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 800 273 8255, or the Trevor Lifeline at 1 866 488 7386. Get someone involved who’s trained in this kind of thing—you don’t have to handle it alone. Check out the list of national resources for more information.

Post-Conversation

JAY: So what do you do if a friend is struggling, but they just don’t want to go to a counselor? Do you just… drop it?

ROBBY: Eventually you might have to drop it. But you can always call or go to the counseling center or mental health services for advice—or talk to someone else you trust, like a professor or staff member, your RA, or campus police.

EMMA: So, Kallie, you did end up talking to a counselor, right?

KALLIE: Yeah, I-I went a few times my second semester, and she really helped me work through everything. I came out to my parents at the end of the year. As expected, they weren’t thrilled, but they’re coming around.

Through it all, it’s been so great to have supportive friends and places I can go if I need to talk.