Module 4: Kallie's Story

KALLIE: Referring students to on-campus resources, offices, or clubs when needed is a great way to support LGBTQ students.

JAY: When I started making friends at the Gay Straight Alliance, I definitely felt more involved on campus. More a part of the community.

MATT: Yeah, and the more supportive people we have in our lives, the stronger we’ll be in situations when people aren’t so accepting.

KALLIE: That said, there may be times when you sense a student is really struggling and needs a referral to mental health services. I can say first hand, talking with a counselor helps me handle everyday stress… like academics, relationship drama, whatever.

JAY: But it’s also a really important safety net when things get more serious.

MATT: Some statistics indicate that LGBTQ students are at greater risk for self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Not because they’re LGBTQ, but because of extra stressors they face that other students may not. KALLIE: My first semester was really tough. I couldn’t even sleep or focus on school.

KALLIE: I remember asking one of my professors for an extension before spring break… I basically told her everything that was on my mind - it must have been kinda overwhelming for her! I think she could tell how much pressure I was under, and she gave me extra time. But, looking back, I wonder what would have happened if she’d also suggested I talk to a counselor. That might have made a huge difference for me back then.

JAY: So now, let’s go back to that conversation, and you’ll get to experience examples of the conversation with Kallie’s professor. At times, I’ll comment on what is happening in the conversation.

Conversation Goals

Be alert to stressors that Kallie confides to the professor.
Refer Kallie to the mental health services office for more support.

Weak Example of Conversation in which the goal is not achieved

PROFESSOR: Hey Kallie, how’s everything going?

KALLIE: Well, not great actually.

PROFESSOR: Why, what’s going on?

KALLIE: I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do the lab write-up before spring break. I was wondering if I could get an extension.

PROFESSOR: Okay, tell me a little bit more about why you need the extension.

KALLIE: I don’t know, I’ve been trying to work on the write-up all week, but I just, I stare at my computer screen and…nothing comes out. And there’s so much other stuff going on. I’m just so stressed out with everything.

PROFESSOR: Do you think you deserve an extension more than the other students in the class?

KALLIE: Yeah. I mean… I don’t know. I… Are you saying I can’t have an extension? Or…?

JAY: This may be an opportunity to connect a struggling student with on-campus support services that can help. Instead of focusing on whether to grant Kallie's extension, the professor should ask a few more questions to see if a referral is needed.

PROFESSOR: It’s not just you. A lot of students tell me they’re stressed and sleep deprived before break.

KALLIE: It’s just like, if I can’t think I can’t write, and I lie in bed and can’t sleep because I’m thinking about all the work I didn’t do, and then I’m so tired in the morning the only way I can stay awake in class is by drinking lots of coffee.

I’m going to fail all my classes. My parents are going to kill me. Like, even if I don’t get all A’s, they’re gonna be so disappointed.

PROFESSOR: First of all, you need to cut back on the coffee. It’s only going to make things worse.

KALLIE: You don’t get it. I’ve slept like four hours in two days. I’m so tired, and I have like six papers to write. I can’t do anything without the coffee.

JAY: The professor is right, Kallie’s caffeine consumption sounds worrisome. But sometimes offering unsolicited advice and telling a student what they “need” to do can make them defensive.

PROFESSOR: So what you’re telling me is, you’re worried your parents will be disappointed with how you’re doing in school.

KALLIE: Yeah, and like, they don’t get anything about me. Like, they don’t know about my girlfriend—I mean, we’ve been together for almost six months and I spend every day with her after school, and, like, she told me I need to tell my parents about her or else I’m, like, lying to them.

PROFESSOR: (uncomfortable) Wait, you’re telling me you’re feeling stressed because of a… a lesbian relationship?

KALLIE: (frustrated) No, because of school and my parents. My girlfriend’s the only good thing in my life right now.

JAY: Kallie trusted her professor when she opened up about her girlfriend. It's important to try not to break that trust by showing discomfort or by assuming she’s stressed because she’s LGBTQ.

PROFESSOR: You know, with all this stress you’re under, it doesn’t sound like a good time to come out to your parents.

KALLIE: I know – my girlfriend is so wrong about that.

JAY: It may not be the professor's place to counsel a student about coming out. It's more helpful to address the topics that pertain to Kallie’s academic success and connect her to someone better equipped to support her—for example, the mental health services office.

PROFESSOR: A lot of parents are so closed-minded about this stuff. It’s such a shame they’re not more supportive.

KALLIE: They should be more supportive. I try hard enough to make them happy.

JAY: It’s never a good idea to align yourself against a student’s parents, friends, or significant others. The professor needs to focus on supporting the student while staying neutral.

PROFESSOR: Sounds pretty complex. You’ve got your parents with one set of expectations, and your girlfriend with a different set of expectations, and all this is getting in the way of your schoolwork.

KALLIE: Yeah, I know. If I come out, my parents are gonna hate me, and if I don’t, my girlfriend’s gonna break up with me. It’s just, no matter what I do I’m not good enough for somebody.

(Kallie looks away and sighs.)

(Kallie looks at Professor)

You know, sometimes I wish I could just get under the covers and sleep forever.

PROFESSOR: I really think you should go to the mental health services office and tell them what you just told me.

KALLIE: Seriously? When I said I want to sleep forever, I didn’t mean forever. It was just a figure of speech.

JAY: Students may be less defensive about the referral if you bring it up as a question (“Have you thought about…”) instead of as advice (“You should…”).

PROFESSOR: Well, I think you’re going to be OK. Keep me updated on the status of your write-up, and I’ll see you after break.

KALLIE: (surprised by the abrupt ending:) Oh, OK...

Good Example of Conversation in which the goal is achieved

PROFESSOR: Hey Kallie, how’s everything going?

KALLIE: Well, not great actually.

PROFESSOR: Why, what’s going on?

KALLIE: I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do the lab write-up before spring break. I was wondering if I could get an extension.

PROFESSOR: Okay, tell me a little bit more about why you need the extension.

KALLIE: I don’t know, it’s just like, if I can’t think I can’t write, and I lie in bed and can’t sleep because I’m thinking about all the work I didn’t do, and then I’m so tired in the morning the only way I can stay awake in class is by drinking lots of coffee. I’m going to fail all my classes. My parents are going to kill me. Like, even if I don’t get all A’s, they’re gonna be so disappointed.

JAY: Good. By asking an open-ended question – one without a simple yes or no answer – the professor encouraged her to share more information.

PROFESSOR: So there’s a lot more going on than your lab write-up… Seems like you might also be stressed about things at home.

KALLIE: Yeah. It’s just like, with break coming up and… my parents don’t get anything about me. Like, they don’t know about my girlfriend—I mean, we’ve been together for almost six months and I spend every day with her after school, and, like, she told me I need to tell my parents about her or else I’m, like, lying to them.

JAY: Good choice. By rephrasing what Kallie told her in a neutral way without judging, she made Kallie feel heard and willing to open up even more.

KALLIE: Yeah, I know. If I come out, my parents are gonna hate me, and if I don’t, my girlfriend’s gonna break up with me. It’s just, no matter what I do I’m not good enough for somebody.

(Kallie looks away and sighs.)

(Kallie looks at Professor)

You know, sometimes I wish I could just get under the covers and sleep forever.

PROFESSOR: When you say “sleep forever,” do you mean you never want to wake up?

KALLIE: What do you mean?

PROFESSOR: Well, what you said just concerned me and I want to make sure you’re safe. So I’m asking: have you had any thoughts about harming yourself or even about suicide?

KALLIE: No. JAY: Trust your gut; if you fear for a student’s safety, ask directly about self-harm or suicide. Asking will not put the idea in a student’s head.

PROFESSOR: Kallie, I care about you as a student and as a person—and while I’m happy to give you an extension on your lab write-up, I might not be in the best position to help you manage the other things that are causing you stress. Have you ever thought about talking with a counselor about everything that’s going on?

KALLIE: Uh… not really, I mean, I hadn’t really thought about it.

PROFESSOR: You may not know this, but a lot of students on campus talk with a counselor when they’re feeling stressed.

KALLIE: Oh. I thought counseling was just for people with, you know, mental problems.

PROFESSOR: No… A counselor can help you talk through relationship problems, family issues, and school stress…

KALLIE: Huh…

PROFESSOR: I think the hardest part is taking the first step. Would it be easier if we called there together and set up an appointment?

KALLIE: Maybe… I’m just not sure what my week will be like with work.

PROFESSOR: Well, if your calendar changes, you can always reschedule. What do you think?

KALLIE: Well… yeah, OK.

Post-Conversation:

KALLIE: Looking back now, I can see how some of the things I said really made me sound overwhelmed. Especially when I said I wished I could sleep forever. Although it meant a lot that my professor was willing to listen, I definitely needed that referral to talk to a counselor. In fact, as soon as I mentioned that my stress level was so high it was getting in the way of my schoolwork and sleep, it would have been OK to refer me to a counselor for additional support. In our conversation, I was pretty open about what was causing my stress. But even if a student is not as forthcoming, here are some specific observable behaviors that may indicate that a student is in distress.

Observable Behaviors as Signs of Students in Distress:

A sudden drop in grades or attendance
A noticeable change in appearance, such as weight gain or weight loss
Crying in class or in your office, or becoming tearful in conversation
Outbursts of anger or being easily distracted or agitated
Report of physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomachaches, or difficulty eating or sleeping
Coming to your class or office in an altered state, such as drunk or high

MATT: As a faculty or staff member, we don’t expect you to have all the answers or have any conversations that are beyond your comfort or ability. That said, if a student seems to be in extreme distress or has warning signs of suicide—for example, making statements of guilt, helplessness, or hopelessness—ask directly if the student has considered suicide.

JAY: If the student says, yes they have considered suicide, ask if they’ve thought about how they might do it, and find out if they have the means to act on that plan. Although it’s not your responsibility to assess a student’s risk, if they’re opening up to you, you may be able to learn important information that your supervisor and a counselor should know to keep that student safe.

KALLIE: If you think a student is a danger to themselves or to others, walk the student to your campus’s mental health services office or campus police immediately. You may also want to give them the number to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386, a safe and judgment-free place for LGBTQ youth to talk. Both are free and confidential, and counselors are available 24/7.

MATT: Remember— the most important thing is that you listen and then connect the student to someone better equipped to help.