DAN: Hello?
RUBY: Hey, hey!
DAN: Hey! Thanks for like, talking to me about stuff.
RUBY: Dude, literally any time.
DAN: So, I'm super excited about this theater party, but I'm also, like, pretty nervous.
RUBY: Don't worry about it! You'll be fine.
DAN: Uhh, thanks. I'm still worried about it though. I can't really just stop.
COACH: Sometimes it feels like we're helping when we say something reassuring to a friend. In this case, Dan felt like you were brushing off his feelings.
RUBY: Uh, have you tried?
DAN: Yeah! And it didn't really work. And then I tried calling you. And now here we are. (sigh)
COACH: While it's good to ask questions, next time, try asking an open ended question to help Dan feel more comfortable sharing.
DAN: I guess I just don't know what it'll be like.
RUBY: Well, you'll find out when you get there.
DAN: I mean, what if I get there and everyone is playing some card game that I don't know the rules to, and they all think I'm uncool? Or what if they play songs I don't know, and everyone is singing along but I don't know any of the words?
COACH: You brushed off Dan's concerns about the party. Next time try addressing his concerns.
RUBY: C'mon, that stuff's not gonna happen.
DAN: I mean it might, right?
COACH: Dan felt like you brushed off his feelings. Instead, try addressing his concerns directly.
DAN: But seriously, I think the biggest thing is just that I don't know if there's gonna be alcohol there, and dealing with that whole thing. Like, I know not all parties have alcohol, most don't, but what if this one does? I haven't hung out with them outside school before, and I like, don't know what they're into.
DAN: I just don't know if I wanna drink at the party or not.
RUBY: Let's talk through what you're thinking.
DAN: Yeah, okay.
COACH: It might help Dan open up more if you ask an open ended question.
DAN: So, one thing is that the seniors are gonna be there. Besides them being obviously cooler than us.
RUBY: Obviously.
DAN: They also choose who to cast in the spring showcase, so, if they don't like me, or think I'm weird or something.
RUBY: You don't think you'll get cast?
DAN: Right.
RUBY: I'm sure they're gonna cast people based on like, skills, and not how fun they are at parties.
DAN: I mean, hopefully, but if they think I'm annoying, they're not gonna want to rehearse with me for months, you know?
COACH: You brushed off Dan's concerns. Instead, try asking him an open ended question to get more information.
RUBY: And where does drinking come in?
DAN: Well, if I don't drink, maybe they'll think I'm a loser or something. Or, if I do drink, I might do something embarrassing, and then they'll think I'm weird.
COACH: You asked an open ended question, which let Dan express his thoughts.
RUBY: Who would ever think you're a loser? No way that'd happen!
DAN: You can't know that for sure, though.
RUBY: No, but like, why would they?
DAN: I don't know. I've never had alcohol before. Maybe I'm the kind of drunk person that gets on a table and acts like a chicken, like I just have no idea how I might act.
COACH: You tried to reassure DAN: but you brushed off his feelings. Instead, you could show understanding.
RUBY: I've felt the same way before. I just take some deep breaths, and I feel better!
COACH: You brushed off Dan's feelings by giving advice. Instead, try acknowledging his concerns.
DAN: (sigh) The whole reason I'm stressed about this in the first place is, like, we haven't talked to my uncle in years, but I remember when I was little, my parents always hated when we would go out as a family cause he would get drunk and embarrass himself. Like, one time he ordered a shot at a restaurant and spilled it, and he literally licked it off the table. The manager had to ask him to leave.
RUBY: Wow! That's so embarrassing.
DAN: That's not really the point. The point is that I never want to do anything like that.
COACH: You tried to show understanding, but Dan felt judged. Instead, you could try recognizing his feelings.
RUBY: So, you're nervous that if you drink, you might end up acting like your uncle.
DAN: Yeah, but then also, like, what if drinking makes me cooler, or more fun to talk to or something?
RUBY: You're already super cool and fun to talk to.
DAN: Thanks, that's sweet. I just, it still doesn't really feel that way, though, you know?
COACH: You started to reassure DAN: but he felt like you brushed him off. Instead, try acknowledging his feelings.
RUBY: Besides, drinking doesn't just instantly make you super cool, you know? It could even make you act significantly less cool.
DAN: I guess, but also like, what if everyone there is drinking and they think I'm a loser or a buzzkill or something for not doing it?
RUBY: You could just like, pretend to drink.
DAN: I guess I could? I still dunno if I like, wanna do that, though.
RUBY: Right, okay. Sorry.
COACH: You gave advice. Instead, you could reassure Dan about his feelings. Also, all drinking under the age of 21 is illegal.
RUBY: Anybody who doesn't like you just because you don't drink isn't worth your time.
DAN: Yeah, I guess.
COACH: You stayed positive and addressed Dan's concerns directly.
RUBY: People who drink don't make good friends anyway.
DAN: Uh, we both have friends who drink sometimes. Are you saying they're bad friends?
RUBY: No, of course not! I didn't mean it that way. I just meant, like, anybody who judges you for not drinking isn't worth your time anyway.
DAN: Oh, okay. Same goes for you, too. That does actually make me feel better.
COACH: You said something judgmental, which didn't address Dan's feelings. Instead, try showing you understand.
DAN: So like, I know this girl I have a crush on is gonna be there.
RUBY: WHO?! Well, TELL ME!
DAN: Okay, okay! Do you know Janie? Junior, long black ponytail, in band?
RUBY: With the really colorful socks?
DAN: Yep, that's her.
RUBY: Awwww! You guys would be so cute!
DAN: I know! And I was so nervous that like, maybe she'd be drinking and think I'm uncool if I didn't drink? But honestly, I wouldn't want to date someone who thought that way anyway.
RUBY: Totally.
RUBY: People who drink are losers anyway.
DAN: Um, okay. I don't think so, but whatever.
COACH: You said something judgmental, which didn't address Dan's feelings. Instead, try asking an open ended question to check in.
RUBY: Are you feeling better about the party?
DAN: I guess I'm feeling a little better? I don't know, talking it out has made me realize that I don't really want to drink. Especially not at some party with a bunch of people I barely know.
RUBY: Yeah, that totally makes sense. And you know you can always hit me up if you wanna talk about this kinda thing again, right?
DAN: Yeah, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks, Ruby.