MR. HAMPTON: So, Ms. Parker, thanks for coming in this morning.
MS. PARKER: Oh, sure. Sorry I’m late. I was on the way here and I realized I had to stop for gas and it just took forever.
MR. HAMPTON: No problem, I know mornings can be a rush.
MS. PARKER: That’s putting it lightly… So what did you want to talk about? Is something going on with Mia?
MR. HAMPTON: I've noticed that Mia sometimes seems a little... agitated in class.
MS. PARKER: Oh... well how do you mean?
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: "Seems a little agitated" is a good way to ease into this conversation. Mr. Hampton is focusing on his own observations ("seems") and keeping a neutral tone.
MR. HAMPTON: Well, last week, for example. She argued with me in front of the whole class about a homework assignment I'd given and tried to get the rest of the class riled up.
MS. PARKER: Well, I'm sorry she was arguing with you. I really doubt she was trying to get the class "riled up", though.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Mr. Hampton doesn't know if it was Mia's intention to get the rest of the class riled up. That's an assumption, not observable. He should be aware of his own triggers for negative emotions. Mia may not want to disrespect him. It's more likely that she's trying to tell him something through her behavior. For now, an apology may be needed...
MS. PARKER THOUGHT: I want to raise Mia to be a good kid... Maybe I'm just messing everything up.
MR. HAMPTON: I don't know what Mia's intentions are. But the end result is that her behavior is disrespectful.
MS. PARKER: I get the picture, okay? You don't have to keep telling me how awful you think my daughter is; I get it. I want to be more involved with her, but I have no choice, okay? I work two jobs, we had a divorce, she’s going back and forth between my house and her dad’s house. It’s really hard for her right now. You’re with her everyday; if you could just cut her some slack. I mean, I want to be there. I just don’t know what I can do.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Continuing when this parent was already upset damaged their relationship. Mr. Hampton will apologize before moving on.
MR. HAMPTON: I’m sorry. You’re right; Mia needs a little extra attention right now. I just want to talk with you about what I’ve seen and get your opinion.
MS. PARKER: Okay.
MR. HAMPTON: Let’s go back a second, and I’ll tell you exactly what I’ve seen… Last week, I was giving a math homework assignment and Mia yelled out, “That’s too many problems. Can we do the even ones?” Then some of the other students chimed in, saying, “Yeah, she’s right!” And then I noticed Mia shaking her head and muttering under her breath.
MS. PARKER: Well… listen… these kids have hours of homework every night.... And I just can’t be there all the time anymore. I work two jobs. Mia’s responsible for herself a lot of the time. And she tells me these other kids are so spoiled; they have plenty of time to do their homework because they barely have chores, their parents sit there right next to them while they do the homework.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Notice how using “I” statements to explain exactly what Mr. Hampton observed got a better response than when he made assumptions about the student’s motivation (“she tries to get the class riled up”).
MR. HAMPTON: You think Mia feels other kids get more attention at home.
MS. PARKER: Yeah. And I think she has a low opinion of some of her classmates who get tons of attention and just have to worry about what movie they're going to see or what game they're going to play. You know, Mia has to worry about things like packing her own lunches and helping with the housework and stuff like that.
MS. PARKER THOUGHT: Oh, Mia… I wish I could be there for you more. I know you’re hurting.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Mr. Hampton did a good job listening to this parent and reflecting back what he thinks she’s saying. It shows that he has genuine curiosity about her opinion, and she’s already responding positively.
MR. HAMPTON: Ah, I see. Thank you for sharing that with me. I think that'll help when I'm working with Mia, to know that's a frustration of hers. Now, would it be okay to talk about one or two more things I'm seeing, to help you get a better picture?
MS. PARKER: Sure.
MR. HAMPTON: She destroys school property. MS.PARKER: “Destroys school property”? I’m sorry, but that’s not the Mia I see at all.
MS. PARKER THOUGHT: I’m not one of your kids, and I did not come here to be talked down to.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: “Destructive” is a negative label. Phrasing it like this-instead of explaining exactly what you observe, can hurt parents and discourage them from listening to your point of view. It would help if Mr. Hampton apologizes before trying again.
MR. HAMPTON: Mia tried to steal another student’s pencil case.
MS. PARKER: I get the picture, okay? You don’t have to keep telling me how awful you think my daughter is; I get it.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Continuing when this parent was already upset damaged their relationship. Let’s hear Mr. Hampton apologize before moving on.
MR. HAMPTON: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to give that impression; I actually care about Mia very much, and I do think we can work together to pull her through all this. Now let’s go back for a second, and I’ll tell you exactly what I’ve seen… Another student couldn’t find her new pencil case and said she saw Mia putting it in her backpack. Mia showed me her backpack, and it was in there, but she said she found it on the ground, outside and didn’t think it belonged to anyone.
MS. PARKER: I’m sure she didn’t - she just made a mistake!
MR. HAMPTON: When I asked Mia to return it, however, she seemed to get angry, and she threw the case down at the girl’s feet. And when I talked to Mia about it later, she said the other girl is “spoiled and gets new things every day,” so she “doesn’t deserve the pencil case.”
MS. PARKER: The girls at school… How do I say this? I don’t think they’re really Mia’s type. You know, she’s dealing with a lot more than most kids. It’s really been rough on her since her dad and I got divorced, and now she just sees him on the weekends, and neither of us can give her the time that she needs. I just think you need to cut her a little more slack.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Again, this was a great job being specific, using “I” statements, and keeping it neutral. Now the parent is opening up about what she thinks is the root of the issue. Remember to show genuine curiosity about a parent’s opinions. Notice how using “I” statements to explain exactly what was observed got a better response than when trying to guess the student’s intentions (“she stole the pencil case”).
MR. HAMPTON: I hear you, but I’m already cutting Mia a lot of slack.
MS. PARKER: So you've given up on her.
MR. HAMPTON: That's not what I'm saying at all--
MS. PARKER: Well, then let’s find a way to help her, instead of just complaining about how bad she is.
MR. HAMPTON: I’m sorry, you’re right.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Remember to keep it neutral and check your emotions. The purpose of this conversation is to work together to find solutions, not to make Mia's mom feel bad.
MS. PARKER THOUGHT: I wonder if I could get Mia moved to another class... It's still early in the year, and this teacher doesn't seem to get her.
MR. HAMPTON: How do you think her feelings about the divorce might be affecting her behavior at school? MS.PARKER: I mean, I've never had problems like this with her before. But now my two oldest kids watch her, and they complain about her all the time. And she complains about them -- it's like World War III in my house every day.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Mr. Hampton did a good job following up on what the parent said and having genuine curiosity about what she thinks is causing the student's behavior.
MS. PARKER THOUGHT: I just want my kids to have a good relationship. I hope they don't resent me for putting them through this.
MR. HAMPTON: We have a great counselor here, Ms. Jones, and we think Mia should meet with her to maybe... talk through some of her frustrations.
MS. PARKER: Who's "we"?
MR. HAMPTON: Well... me and... a couple of my colleagues here at the school.
MS. PARKER: So it's that bad? So bad that there've been conferences about my daughter? And, of course, I'm the last to find out… Sometimes I see my kids, I see what they’re going through, and I just think… maybe I shouldn’t have gotten the divorce until they were older and out of the house. It just breaks my heart…
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: It can help to pose solutions as questions (“How would you feel about Mia talking with the counselor?”) - which brings the parent into the problem-solving team, rather than posing them as ready-made solutions. Mr. Hampton will try to reassure this parent and address some of her concerns.
MR. HAMPTON: I can tell this is a hard thing for you to talk about. Your family has been through a lot in the last few years. So much change is hard for anybody.
MS. PARKER: (nodding, wiping away tears) I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
MR. HAMPTON: Not at all. It's a hard thing to talk about.
MS. PARKER: (pulling herself together) I pulled us off-topic. You were talking about the school counselor.
MR. HAMPTON: Yes.
MS. PARKER: I… I just don’t know how I feel about sharing our private business with, well, a stranger, really. How do I know who she’s going to talk to?
MR. HAMPTON: It may seem daunting at first, but I assure you, Ms. Jones has a lot of experience working with challenging students.
MS. PARKER: Wait a second. Can we not call her "challenging"? Mia's just having a hard time right now; can we be a little sensitive?
MR. HAMPTON: Right, of course. I'm sorry. That was a poor choice of words.I just meant that lots of kids Mia's age need someone to talk to, and Ms. Jones is really good at being that person.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: "Challenging students" sounds negative and can be hard for parents to hear. Remember to keep a neutral tone.
MR. HAMPTON: I can assure you Ms. Jones is very professional and respectful of the families she works with. If you do decide to speak with her, I think our parent coordinator would also be a great resource. She's a parent herself, with a child enrolled at the school, and she's a link between parents and the educators here. She can help explain the process a little more. What would you think about that?
MS. PARKER: Well...okay. Like I said, I just want whatever's best for Mia. I really want to see her happy again.
MR. HAMPTON: Well, would it be okay if I talk with Ms. Jones and catch her up on what you and I discussed today? Then I'm sure she'll want to reach out to you before she meets with Mia. That way you two can talk a little more about it. How does that sound?
MS. PARKER: That sounds good, thank you.
MR. HAMPTON: I'd like us to stay in communication about Mia's progress in class, too. Maybe we can check in. What's better for you: phone or email?
MS. PARKER: Let's try email. And...Listen, I just want to apologize. I'm sorry if I came in here ready for an argument. I just, you know how it is; she's my baby and I don't want to think about her having issues like this…
MR. HAMPTON: I understand. But we'll see Mia through this. We both want what's best for her.
MS. PARKER: Thank you.
JACKIE: Let’s hear what Ms. Parker thought of this conversation.
MS. PARKER: Well… Talking with Mr. Hampton was… discouraging. He seems to have his mind made up about Mia and doesn’t want to listen to anyone else.
He told me about some things that have happened at school. It was all… really hard to hear. It would have been so much better if he’s just told me what he’s been seeing, without all the judgement. It’s obvious that he thinks Mia’s a “problem,” and he really doesn’t like her very much.
Sometimes he seemed really negative about Mia. It honestly made it hard to believe what he was saying was true. Sometimes he made really unfair assumptions about Mia. I just wish he could take some time to see the better side of her.
I think he takes things a little too personally. It’s like he sometimes thinks it’s all about him and he loses sight of Mia.
At least he apologized. Though, sometimes it felt like I had to drag the apology out of him. I can see why Mia sometimes says he’s “mean.”
Anyways, after I opened up about everything our family’s been going through, I like that Mr. Hampton followed up to see how Mia’s doing. He did make an effort to understand. I was hoping we would brainstorm some different ways to help Mia, but he just seemed interested in having her talk with the counselor.
I spoke with the counselor, Ms. Jones, and we set up a good time for her and Mia to meet. Mia said she was “cool” … high praise! You know, it’s good for Mia to have another supportive person in her life. Right now I think she needs as much positive attention as she can get.
I wish I didn’t feel like everyone at the school has been talking and complaining about Mia… But Mr. Hampton reassured me and helped me see how this might really help her. I just want her to be happy. I know this is going to be a process, that changes don’t happen overnight. But I’m glad we’re finally addressing it, and that we’re addressing it as a team, the way that we should.