JACKIE: Let’s listen to how that conversation could have gone better from the start.
MR. HAMPTON: So, Ms. Parker, thanks for coming in this morning.
MS. PARKER: Oh, sure. Sorry I’m late. I was on the way here and I realized I had to stop for gas and it just took forever.
MR. HAMPTON: No problem, I know mornings can be a rush.
MS. PARKER: That’s putting it lightly… So what did you want to talk about? Is something going on with Mia?
MR. HAMPTON: Well, let me just start by saying I've enjoyed having Mia in my class. She's smart, and she writes great stories.
MS. PARKER: Oh, yeah--she loves writing stories! I think she gets that from my dad; he used to work at a newspaper.
MR. HAMPTON:They're really imaginative.
MS. PARKER: I try to encourage her. I tell her, "Write them down. That way you'll always have them."
MS.PARKER THOUGHT: I know Mia can be stubborn sometimes, but she has so much potential. I'm glad you see that.
MR. HAMPTON: Would it be okay if we talked about some things I'm noticing in class and how to make sure Mia is as successful as possible?
MS. PARKER: Sure... What have you been noticing?
MR. HAMPTON: Well, let me give you an example of what I'm talking about…
MR. HAMPTON: A few weeks ago, the other kids were talking about this movie they'd all seen.But Mia hadn’t seen it. I thought she looked a little uncomfortable. Then she said really loudly, “My sister said that movie is just for babies.” That upset one of the boys, who told her, “You’re just jealous ‘cause you never get to go to the movies.” By the time I got across the room, Mia had moved towards him and was yelling that he was “stupid.”
MS. PARKER: Well… you know, I remember that age… It’s so important to be “cool” and not be left out. But Mia doesn’t get to do some things that the other kids do. ‘Cause I just can’t be there all the time anymore. I work two jobs. You know, Mia’s responsible for herself a lot of the time. And I think it annoys her to see the other kids who are a little more coddled and… well, frankly, spoiled.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Mr. Hampton did a good job being specific, using “I” statements to explain exactly what he observed, and keeping it neutral.
MR. HAMPTON: Ah, I see. Thank you for sharing that with me. I think that'll help when I'm working with Mia, to know that's a frustration of hers. Now, would it be okay to talk about one or two more things I'm seeing, to help you get a better picture?
MS. PARKER: Sure.
MR. HAMPTON: Last week, I saw Mia writing on the wall outside the gym with chalk, after we'd asked the students not to do that.
MS. PARKER: Well… She shouldn’t have done that. I’m glad it was only chalk…
MR. HAMPTON: That’s true, and I asked her to help clean it off. I was less concerned about the chalk itself, though, and more concerned that she was disobeying the rules.
MS. PARKER: It’s been really rough on her since her dad and I got divorced, and now she only sees him on the weekends, and neither of us can really give her the time that she needs. I just think you need to cut her a little more slack.
JACKIE’S FEEDBACK: Again, Mr. Hampton has done a great job being specific, using “I” statements, and keeping it neutral. Now the parent is opening up about what she thinks is the root of the issue. Remember to show genuine curiosity about a parent’s opinions.
MR. HAMPTON: How do you think her feelings about the divorce might be affecting her behavior at school?
MS. PARKER: I mean, I've never had problems like this with her before. But now my two oldest kids watch her, and they complain about her all the time. And she complains about them -- it's like World War III in my house every day.
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Mr. Hampton did a good job following up on what the parent is saying and having genuine curiosity about what she thinks is causing the student's behavior.
MS.PARKER THOUGHT: I just want my kids to have a good relationship. I hope they don't resent me for putting them through this.
MR. HAMPTON: So how is what you're seeing at home similar or different to what I'm seeing at school?
MS. PARKER: Well, I don't think it's as bad at home, but honestly, I'm really not there much. I do my best and I want to be there, but I just can't right now.
MR. HAMPTON: You said your older kids watch her. What do they say?
MS. PARKER: Well, they say that she's smart. And they also say she's a smart... something else.
MS.PARKER THOUGHT: Maybe you really do care about Mia... Work with me and let's find a way to help her.
MR. HAMPTON: What was Mia like before the divorce?
MS. PARKER: Oh... sweet, and happy, and...You know, it's hard for me to know how much of what I'm seeing right now is just a phase or--I don't know--pre-puberty stuff, and how much is caused by the divorce and all the stress from that.
MR. HAMPTON: We have a really terrific counselor here at the school, Ms. Jones. She meets with students sometimes to help them talk through some of their frustrations. How would you feel about us bringing Ms. Jones in the loop, and maybe she could meet with Mia and see if they hit it off?
MS. PARKER: So you think it’s that bad? Sometimes when I look at my kids, and I see what they’re going through, I think… you know, maybe I should have waited to get the divorce until they were older and out of the house. It just breaks my heart…
JACKIE'S FEEDBACK: Mr. Hampton did a good job bringing up the idea of the counselor as a question (“How would you feel about…?”) This is a great way to make parents part of the problem-solving team, rather than pushing a solution on them. This parent may be feeling emotional right now, Mr. Hampton will see if he can reassure her and address some of her concerns.
MR. HAMPTON: I hear Mia talk about you. She loves you. In fact, as you might know, we did a journal assignment recently where the kids had to write about their heroes, and she wrote about you.
MS. PARKER: (hand over face; trying to get control of herself)
MR. HAMPTON: She sees you being strong and independent, and providing for your family. That's another gift you're giving her. Okay?
MS. PARKER: I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
MR. HAMPTON: Not at all. It's a hard thing to talk about.
MS. PARKER: I pulled us off-topic. You were talking about the school counselor.
MR. HAMPTON: Yes.
MS. PARKER: I… I just don’t know how I feel about sharing our private business with, well, a stranger, really. How do I know who she’s going to talk to?
MR. HAMPTON: I can assure you Ms. Jones is very professional and would keep personal matters confidential. She'd only be expected to break this confidentiality if she felt a student were in some kind of immediate danger.
MS. PARKER: Well that makes sense.
MR. HAMPTON: And if we do bring her into the loop, I'd encourage you to share that concern with her, too, and she can explain more about how she works with families.
MS. PARKER: Well...okay. Like I said, I just want whatever's best for Mia. I really want to see her happy again.
MR. HAMPTON: Well, would it be okay if talk with Ms. Jones and catch her up on what you and I discussed today? Then I'm sure she'll want to reach out to you before she meets with Mia. That way you two can talk a little more about it. How does that sound?
MS. PARKER: That sounds good, thank you.
MR. HAMPTON: I'd like us to stay in communication about Mia's progress in class, too. Maybe we can check in. What's better for you: phone or email?
MS. PARKER: Let's try email. And...Listen, I just want to apologize. I'm sorry if I came in here ready for an argument. I just, you know how it is; she's my baby and I don't want to think about her having issues like this…
MR. HAMPTON: I understand. But we'll see Mia through this. We both want what's best for her.
MS. PARKER: Thank you.
JACKIE: Let’s hear what Ms. Parker thought of this conversation.
MS. PARKER: Well… I was nervous when Mr. Hampton wanted to see me. But we had a good talk about Mia and how she’s doing. I’m glad she’s got a teacher who cares and wants to see her do well. I appreciated that he started by asking me if it would be okay to talk about some things he’d noticed. Well, I guess he knew it might be hard for me to hear, and he was trying to be nice about it. He told me somethings that have happened at school.
He told me exactly what he’s been seeing, without any judgment. It gave me a really clear picture of what’s been going on. You know, it’s not easy to think about Mia having such a tough time, but, well, at least now we can try to help her.
Anyways, after I opened up about everything our family’s been going through, he did seem to try to understand how Mia’s doing. He knows that it affects her, and that she’s bringing that to school with her everyday.
I spoke with the counselor, Ms. Jones, and we set up a good time for her and Mia to meet. Mia said she was “cool” … high praise! You know, it’s good for Mia to have another supportive person in her life. Right now I think she needs as much positive attention as she can get. I know this is going to be a process, that changes don’t happen overnight. But I’m glad we’re finally addressing it, and that we’re addressing it as a team, the way that we should.