PIC 4: Screen returns to Kacey.
I was kinda worried about Eve. So I asked her if she wanted to grab a coffee with me so we could talk.
And yeah, it was a difficult conversation, and I was worried that she would just tell me I don’t get it. Or that she would get mad at me, or just cut me off as a friend. But I knew it was important to try.
My hope was to help her take a step back, and think about if she was happy with how things were or if there was anything she wanted to change.
When I was talking to her, I kept hearing my dad’s voice in my head saying, “It's not what you say, It’s how you say it.”
I wanted to make sure she knew that I cared, focusing in on how I was feeling, and asking questions to let her share what was on her mind.
So "showing that I care." This meant focusing on what she cared about, and making sure it didn’t sound like I was judging her. We talked about her choices around drinking and their effects.
Like, we used to love coaching soccer together. But she had been too hungover to attend the mandatory volunteer training and had to take the season off. She shared that missing the season really upset her.
If I had been judgy about it and said, "it was so dumb of you to miss that training," she might have just tuned me out.
Let's look at a not so great way to show you care and and then the way I went about it.
PIC 5: A full screen exchange can be seen, titled: “Showing You Care: Judgmental Statement.” Thumbnails of Kacey and Eve can be seen with speech bubbles saying the following:
PIC 6: The exchange updates, now titled: “Showing You Care: Neutral Statement.” Thumbnails of Kacey and Eve are still present saying the following:
PIC 7: Screen returns to Kacey.
As much as you wish otherwise, mindreading is just a Hollywood creation.
You can’t know what someone else is thinking or feeling.
So I stuck with letting Eve know how I was feeling. Instead of saying you this and you that, I used phrases like “I think,” “I feel,” or “it seems like.”
PIC 8: A full screen chart of phrases appears, titled: “‘I’” vs. ‘You’”:
I also asked her how she was feeling and what she thought she might want to do.
Guesses, judgments, or opinions weren’t ever going to be helpful.
If I had asked, “Don’t you think you drink too much?” knowing Eve, she probably would’ve ripped a shot right there and responded with “Nah.”
While saying, “How do you feel about your drinking?” didn’t guarantee she wouldn’t do the same, it at least opened the door to a conversation.
Plus let’s face it, questions that can be answered in one word don't usually get us very far.
PIC 9: The chart updates, now titled: “Great ways to start a question.”
In case she was interested in talking to someone or learning more, I asked her how she felt about taking advantage of some campus resources.
But I didn’t try to push her into anything. I just asked her for her thoughts, and let her make her own decisions.