Ms. Abbie: (beat) Jake?
Jake: (stewing mad) What! Ugh!
Ms. Abbie: (beat) Wanted to chat.
Jake: (sarcastic) Of course you did.
Ms. Abbie: Now seems like a good time to talk a little more about, well, some changes I’ve noticed from you, since we last had a chance to talk together.
Coach: The student is feeling dysregulated. It might be helpful for Ms. Abbie to try using a calming strategy to help them regulate again.
Jake: (sarcastic) Okay, cool. This again.
Jake’s thought: You think I want to talk about this stuff now? Yeah, no.
Ms. Abbie: Last time we talked, the sense I got at least, was you wanted, you were going to try to participate more. Share more of those interesting thoughts. And, that hasn’t really happened.
Jake: Can you just, not, right now?
Ms. Abbie: Hm. I want to help you
Jake: (interrupts) Who asked you to do that? Huh? Not, not me!
Ms. Abbie: Jake (trails off)
Jake: Back. Off. Okay?
Coach: The student is still feeling dysregulated. This is an ineffective way to bring up what she’s noticed. Let’s look at another ineffective example.
Ms. Abbie: Tell me more about what things have been like for you in class, recently.
Jake: (frustrated) Do I have to?
Ms. Abbie: Well, no. But if you want me to help you
Jake: (interrupts) Just leave me alone!
Ms. Abbie: Jake (trails off)
Jake: Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Coach: The student is dysregulated. This is not the best time to prompt for more information. Let’s look at an effective path.
Ms. Abbie: I’m getting the sense you have a lot on your mind. It’s okay if you don’t feel like talking right now. Maybe we can both take a moment before we talk about other school stuff.
Coach: A small mindfulness activity together helps both of you for different reasons, you can refocus and recenter so you can stay calm, they can try and regulate and return to a point of being able to talk.
Jake: (pauses) Sure? Like what?
Ms. Abbie: It’s your choice whether you’d like to join me. Other students have found breathing helpful when, when they’re having intense feelings. So, it might help you too.
Jake: (apathetic) Fine, whatever.
Ms. Abbie: Alright. In, hold, out, hold. One more time?
Jake: (nods)
Ms. Abbie: In, hold, out, hold, okay. Thank you for doing that with me.
Jake’s thought: I guess I’m feeling (pauses) a little better.
Ms. Abbie: Now that you’re calm, tell me about what happened during the break.
Coach: "Now that you’re calm" could feel pushy. While it’s important to understand what happened, it would be better for Ms. Abbie to frame this as an open-ended question.
Jake: What if I don’t want to talk about it? Huh?
Ms. Abbie: Is there anything you want to tell me?
Coach: While it’s important to find out what happened, it would be better for Ms. Abbie to ask in a more open-ended way. That way it won’t feel so accusatory.
Ms. Abbie: You know, about what happened during lunch?
Jake: (shrugs) Not really.
Ms. Abbie: (nods)
Jake: Like, I don’t know. Just, people being stupid, I guess. People thought it would be, I don’t know, I guess funny? To like, go around, and lick (pauses) sanitizer out of their hands.
Ms. Abbie: (nods)
Jake: Are you going to like, get me in more trouble for that?
Ms. Abbie: (shakes head) I’m just trying to understand.
Jake: (beat) Okay. Well, I kind of (pauses) yelled, and they yelled back, and they were up in my face, and, yeah, I pushed them off of me.
Ms. Abbie: I can understand why you didn’t want to lick hand sanitizer, but that’s no reason to yell.
Jake: Yeah, but (trails off, sighs)
Coach: While this was a reflection it also was a bit critical. Instead, Ms. Abbie should try showing understanding by reflecting in a way that doesn’t criticize the student’s choice.
Jake: I was upset, okay? When people get upset, they yell.
Jake’s thought: I didn’t expect you to be on their side (trails off)
Ms. Abbie: And if I had to guess, I’d say you probably got pretty upset with them. Same way you do in class.
Coach: This might feel like a reflection but instead it puts the blame on the student by making assumptions.
Jake: That’s not! I’ve been really trying in class. Okay?
Ms. Abbie: (pauses) Okay.
Jake: They were pushing me! And I don’t know, a lot of stuff just makes me (pauses) sets me on edge. Class, lunch, wherever I am.
Ms. Abbie: Yeah, kind of like what we talked about a few days ago.
Jake: (shrugs)
Ms. Abbie: (taking a moment to reset) Well, since we’re talking about it, in terms of (pauses) how school is feeling for you in general, I also wanted to ask about those strategies we brainstormed before. You know, about what you can do in class when you feel those intense emotions. Kind of like what happened today. Before, we mentioned thinking about going to see Ms. Ines, the school counselor, and we said we’d try to check in again, to see what’s working and what we could do better. So, since we’re here together, how’s all that feeling?
Jake: (dejected) Fine.
Ms. Abbie: (nods)
Jake: Like, what do you want me to say? It’s all better now? (beat) Because it’s not.
Ms. Abbie: Why are you saying things are bad?
Coach: While this is an open-ended question, it uses language that could be interpreted as judgmental. Instead, try using observable behaviors to reflect what you’ve noticed in a positive way.
Jake: Pfft. Why do you think? Whole world is (pauses) messed up. How can you not think things are bad?
Jake’s thought: Why? What kind of question is that? Obviously you know why.
Ms. Abbie: I don’t like it when you sound so (pauses) unhappy.
Coach: While you may be feeling concerned about a student, it’s important to try to understand where they are coming from without involving your feelings.
Jake: (beat) Too bad. Like, I don’t know what you want me to say, but I can’t, "cheer up!" Just because you want me to. I don’t think you get just how (beat) You know, I think about my cousin. All the time. And, and I think about being with him again, wherever he is.
Ms. Abbie: Come on, that’s not a funny joke.
Coach: Suicide is never a joke. You should always treat each instance of suicidal ideation seriously.
Jake: (scoff) Guess I got to find better jokes.
Ms. Abbie: I mean, you weren’t really serious, right?
Jake: (shrugs)
Ms. Abbie: I don’t think it’s healthy to have such (pauses) dark thoughts.
Coach: We can’t always regulate our thoughts, especially when it comes to things like suicide. You want to be careful not to shame a student for these thoughts and instead refer them to a counselor.
Jake: You think I want? (shakes head)
Ms. Abbie: It’s just (pauses) not what I was expecting.
Jake: (beat) Ooookay.
Ms. Abbie: I can’t believe you’re saying the kinds of things you’re saying. (sigh) We need to go to the counselor.
Coach: While it’s important to get the student to the counselor, it would be better to do so in a more supportive and warm way.
Jake: (shrugs) Why.
Ms. Abbie: I just think, I feel like it’d be helpful to talk with her.
Jake: (beat) Whatever. Fine. Well, are we doing this?
Ms. Abbie: Whenever you’re ready,
Jake: (shrugs) Now’s fine. Let’s go.
Overall Results:
Jake doesn’t feel fully supported. It’s good that Ms. Abbie was able to listen to him, but he needed her to show more empathy and understanding. She made the right choice to go see the school counselor together.