Pic 1: The screen returns to a scene of Kira and Ms. Abbie sitting across from each other in an empty classroom.
Ms. Abbie: Kira?
Kira: (stewing mad) What! Ugh!
Ms. Abbie: (pauses) Wanted to chat.
Kira: (dismissive) Whatever.
Ms. Abbie: Now seems like a good time to talk a little more about, well, some changes I’ve noticed from you, since we last had a chance to talk together.
Coach: The student is feeling dysregulated. It might be helpful to try using a calming strategy to help them regulate again.
Kira: (sarcastic) Great.
Kira’s thought: I don’t want to talk about school stuff!
Ms. Abbie: Last time we talked, the sense I got at least, was you wanted (pauses) you were going to try to participate more. Share more of those interesting thoughts. And, that hasn’t really happened.
Kira: (shrugs, stares off into the distance)
Ms. Abbie: Kira?
Kira: Leave me alone!
Ms. Abbie: Okay, but
Kira: (interrupts) Just shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Coach: This is an example of an ineffective response to the student’s behavior. The student is still feeling dysregulated. This may not be the best way to bring up what you’ve noticed. Let’s look at another example of an ineffective response.
Ms. Abbie: Tell me more about what things have been like for you in class, recently.
Kira: (pauses) Why.
Ms. Abbie: Well, because I want to help you.
Kira: Why.
Ms. Abbie: Because I care about you, Kira.
Kira: Why don’t you just leave me alone!
Coach: This is an ineffective response because the student is dysregulated. This might not be the best time to prompt for more information. Let’s look at what an effective response to Kira’s behavior looks like.
Ms. Abbie: I’m getting the sense, you have a lot on your mind. It’s okay if you don’t feel like talking right now. Maybe we can both take a moment before we talk about other school stuff.
Coach: A small mindfulness activity together helps both of you for different reasons, you can refocus and recenter so you can stay calm, they can try and regulate and return to a point of being able to talk.
Kira: What do you mean?
Ms. Abbie: What about (pauses) square breathing together? Like we do at the beginning of class sometimes?
Kira: I don’t know (trails off).
Ms. Abbie: It’s your choice whether you’d like to join me. Other students have found breathing helpful when, when they’re having intense feelings. So, it might help you too.
Kira: (pauses) Okay.
Ms. Abbie: Alright. In, hold, out, hold. One more time?
Kira: (nods)
Ms. Abbie: In, hold, out, hold, okay. Thank you for doing that with me.
Kira’s thought: Okay, that helped me feel a little better.
Ms. Abbie: Now that you’re calm, tell me about what happened during the break.
Kira: I don’t want to.
Coach: This is an ineffective way to ask Kira about what happened. “Now that you’re calm” could feel pushy. While it’s important to understand what happened, it would be better to frame this as an open-ended question. Let’s look at a more effective example.
Ms. Abbie: Is there anything you want to tell me?
Coach: While it’s important to find out what happened, it would be better to ask in a more open-ended way. That way it won’t feel so accusatory.
Ms. Abbie: You know, about what happened during recess?
Kira: No. I don’t know. Everyone was being stupid, and I didn’t want to (pauses) I didn’t want to. (sigh) I don’t want to get in more trouble.
Ms. Abbie: It’s okay, you can share.
Kira: Well, people were telling me to eat these like, fruit snacks we found, on the ground.
Ms. Abbie: (nods) And you thought that was gross.
Kira: Yeah! And, I just, I yelled, and then they were all in my face and I just wanted them to go away! Then we started pushing, and I, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Ms. Abbie: I can understand why you didn’t want to eat off the ground, but that’s no reason to yell.
Kira: (irritated) I know that. Just, (sigh).
Coach: While this is a reflection, it focuses on the student’s negative behavior instead of helping them to open up more about how they felt.
Kira: They were the ones who were, they were pressuring me to like, do something I didn’t want to do.
Ms. Abbie: (nods)
Kira’s thought: How are you like, getting mad at me for this?
Ms. Abbie: And if I had to guess, I’d say you probably got pretty upset with them. Same way you do in class.
Coach: This might feel like a reflection but instead it puts the blame on the student by making assumptions.
Kira: I didn’t do anything wrong, and I’ve been good in class!
Ms. Abbie: Mm hm.
Kira: It’s just been kind of, ahh, at school.
Ms. Abbie: Okay (trails off). (taking a moment to reset) Well, since we’re talking about it, in terms of (pauses) how school is feeling for you in general, I also wanted to ask about those strategies we brainstormed before. You know, about what you can do in class when you feel those intense emotions. Kind of like what happened today. Before, we mentioned thinking about going to see Ms. Ines, the school counselor and we said we’d try to check in again, to see what’s working and what we could do better. So, since we’re here together, how’s all that feeling?
Kira: Honestly (shrugs, looks away, long beat) Not good.
Ms. Abbie: Why are you saying things are bad?
Coach: While this is an open-ended question, this one uses language that could be interpreted as judgmental. Instead, try using observable behaviors to reflect what you’ve noticed in a positive way.
Kira: (shrugs) I just, I feel sad. Like, no matter what I’m doing. I’m sad.
Kira’s thought: If you were listening to me, you’d know why.
Ms. Abbie: I don’t like it when you sound so (pauses) unhappy.
Coach: While you may be feeling concerned about the student, it’s important to try to understand where they are coming from without involving your feelings.
Kira: (pauses) I’m sorry.
Ms. Abbie: No, it’s okay, it’s just, I wish you could be happier.
Kira: Well, I’m not. And I can’t just, make myself feel better. Sometimes, I wish I weren’t. (shakes head)
Ms. Abbie: Weren’t what?
Kira: (stares away) I want to be with my cousin again. Like, wherever he is.
Ms. Abbie: Come on, that’s not a funny joke.
Coach: Suicide is never a joke. You should always treat each instance of suicidal ideation seriously.
Kira: (shrugs) It’s not a joke.
Ms. Abbie: I don’t think it’s healthy to have such (pauses) dark thoughts.
Coach: We can’t always regulate our thoughts, especially when it comes to things like suicide. You want to be careful not to shame a student for these thoughts and instead refer them to a counselor.
Kira: (shrugs) It’s just what I think about.
Ms. Abbie: I can’t believe you’re saying, the kinds of things you’re saying. (sigh) We need to got to the counselor.
Coach: While it’s important to get the student to the counselor, it would be better to do so in a more supportive and warm way.
Kira: (looks away)
Ms. Abbie: Well?
Kira: (pauses) Okay?
I guess (pauses) that’s it.
Ms. Abbie: (nods) Let’s go see Ms. Ines.
Overall Result:
Kira doesn’t feel fully supported. It’s good that Ms. Abbie was able to listen to her, but Ms. Abbie needed her to show more empathy and understanding. Ms. Abbie made the right choice to go see the school counselor together.