It's the beginning of the school year and a student, Jules, sends Mister Wesley an email about making a change to the way groups are formed for class projects.
Techniques:
Picture 1: A teacher sits across a desk from a student in a classroom. Mister Wesley, the teacher, is a white man with short blonde hair, glasses, and a small beard. He wears a blue polo shirt. Jules, the student, is a 15-year-old Black girl in tenth grade, she has shoulder-length black hair and wears a purple shirt.
Mister Wesley: So, Jules, good to see you.
Jules: Yeah, uh, thanks for taking the time.
Mister Wesley: Of course, always happy to chat. Anyway, in your email you said?
Picture 2: Jules looks down and back to Mister Wesley, nervous.
Jules: Yeah, it's not a big deal, I just, I wanted to see what was going on with, um, making groups in the class. For group assignments.
Mister Wesley nods.
Jules: (clearly flustered) Like, do you have to choose them? Or, or can we choose them? Because, I get maybe you want to "mix things up," but, yeah.
Mister Wesley decides to Check In and says, "I create groups as I see fit to meet the learning outcomes of the assignment. Is there a problem?"
Picture 3: Jules looks away, she appears uncomfortable.
Jules: Sort of? Not "problem" exactly, but, just looking to make a small change for, for me.
Coach: Jules felt Mister Wesley wasn't willing to listen. He should try showing her he's on her side and open to hearing what she has to say.
Mister Wesley decides to Check In and says, "It's okay. Tell me what's bothering you then."
Jules: Uh, well, there's this person who, I guess makes me uncomfortable? And I'd rather not feel like that during class.
Coach: Mister Wesley said, "you can tell me what's bothering you." This imperative statement tells Jules to share her perspective. A more consent based, "would you be willing to share" can make the other person more willing to open up.
Mister Wesley decides to Share Opinion and says, "You need to learn how to work in groups with people who you wouldn't choose on your own."
Picture 4: Jules shakes her head and looks frustrated.
Jules: No, I, I don't know, you're not getting it.
Coach: Generalizations minimize a person's specific experiences and don't show an interest in where they're coming from. People who experience dating violence have had their choices taken away, on many levels. Mister Wesley should try giving Jules space to share her thoughts and feelings to show he wants to support her.
Mister Wesley decides to Get Info and says, "Okay, so help me understand. Who's making you uncomfortable? What are they doing?"
Jules: (fidgets) It's not exactly something they're doing, it's more something they did. When this person and I were together, some stuff happened and, it got pretty bad, and I just, I can't be around them. It took a long, long time to stop spending time with this person, so I really don't want to spend more time with them on like, something for class.
Mister Wesley decides to Set Expectations and says, "I can't change group assignments because you're having issues with your peers."
Jules: Uh, I don't think you, that's not really what's happening.
Coach: Jules feels like Mister Wesley is making assumptions rather than listening to her, and told him his assumption was incorrect. You should be careful when assuming or interpreting what another person says, and try to be aware of when you might be jumping to a conclusion. Mister Wesley should try listening without judgment to show he's there to support her.
Mister Wesley decides to Check In and says, "Do you think you might be overreacting, just a little?"
Jules: (shocked) I, uh.
Mister Wesley: Maybe I don't really "get it."
Jules: I don't want to be around this person. Okay?
Mister Wesley: Oh, okay.
Coach: Asking if she is overreacting is a judgmental question. Jules doesn't feel like Mister Wesley is on her side or taking her seriously.
Jules: I just, I don't really want to talk about it, and, and I'm just looking for a small change. Okay?
Mister Wesley: Okay.
Jules: (exasperated) If I'm being honest, this is why I wasn't sure I should say anything at all, but, but I really, really can't be with this person.
Mister Wesley decides to Show Support and chooses to say, "You're going to need to talk with somebody."
Coach: The impulse to tell Jules to talk to someone is understandable, but not the most effective approach. Mister Wesley should try asking Jules if she wants to hear more about support options. He should remember, it's her choice to make.
Mister Wesley: Well, there are different options of people you can talk to.
Jules: Oh, who?
Mister Wesley: I mean, to start with, you can share with people in your life who you trust and can give you support. I'm not sure if you've told anyone else?
Jules: Um, no, not really.
Mister Wesley: Uh huh. You can also talk with some of the people we have here at school, like in guidance, or someone else you trust here.
Jules: Like I'm telling you.
Mister Wesley: Right. And, thank you for trusting me, telling me.
Jules nods.
Mister Wesley: So, if there are other people you feel comfortable talking with. Then, there are some other people outside of school who can help, like a counselor, religious or spiritual leaders, or other support groups. People who can listen and connect you with more support if you want it.
Jules: Okay.