The first step you discussed with Octavia was Identify.
It took a few tries, but you helped Octavia identify effectively. As one example, you said, "It's worth following up on any concerns you have."
There were also two moments when you did not effectively help Octavia identify. You said, "I don't think you have anything to worry about, kids are always anxious about something or other." And, "All kids are 'pretty weird' sometimes, especially when they're dealing with friendships, relationships, that kind of thing."
If someone identifies a possible concern, they should always follow up. Octavia used the phrase "pretty weird" and you missed an opportunity to understand the warning signs she's noticing more specifically. Also, generalizing about other students doesn't treat this situation seriously.
The second step you discussed with Octavia was Approach.
It took a few tries, but you helped Octavia think through how to approach the student effectively. As one example, you said, "Instead of reality shows, perhaps you could discuss an article on healthy relationships, or a character from a book?"
There were also two moments when you did not effectively help Octavia think through how to approach the student. You said, "Good idea, start by telling Dee how to have a healthier relationship. Our students just don't have the life experience yet." And, "Yeah, you definitely want to get as much information as you can out of Dee to help down the line."
Telling a student what relationship they should have can increase defensiveness. Instead, asking the student questions can help. Also, after a student discloses, you don't need any additional information. Instead, show them you believe them and you're there to support them.
The final step you discussed with Octavia was Refer.
There was one moment when you effectively helped Octavia think through how to refer on the first attempt. You said, "I'd mention a referral pretty much any time after you've established trust."
There were also two moments when you did not effectively help Octavia think through how to refer. You said, "Referring Dee to guidance isn't enough. You have to do more than that." And, "It's fine to keep to yourself that you have a duty to report, Dee will be too worried if you bring it up."
Connecting Dee with the guidance department is already helpful, and the people who work in guidance can connect Dee to additional resources from there. There's no pressure to do more unless you want to. Telling Dee that you have a duty to report gives them as much information and control as possible and can help them as their community of support grows.
Picture 1: Octavia, a Black woman in her late 30s with short brown hair sits at a table in an office. She's wearing a blue cardigan over a white button-up. Her eyebrows are furrowed, and she looks concerned.
You: Of course. What changes have you noticed in Dee's behavior?
Octavia: Changes? Hmm. So, this all started when, um, when Dee's friends came to me. They told me, "Dee isn't hanging out with us anymore, and we really don't like the way the person Dee has been seeing is treating Dee." So, I started paying attention, and, well, Dee was acting pretty weird.
You: Can you try making a more specific and neutral observation?
Octavia: Oh, gotcha. You're right, "pretty weird" isn't super specific. What I meant was, every day, Dee asks to go to the bathroom at exactly the same time, just a couple of minutes before class is over. Their friends told me Dee's been meeting up with the person they've been seeing a lot. So, when Dee asks to leave class at the same time, every day, I don't know. Based on what Dee's friends told me about their partner, I'm worried that Dee has regular check-ins with their partner or, or something. I don't know. It's a bit concerning.
Picture 2: Octavia looks to the side, unsure.
Octavia: I'm just trying to figure it all out, if this is all in my head, or, you know. I'm definitely concerned, but, I don't know. I might be overreacting.
You: You noticed when I was upset after my cat died. You have good instincts.
Picture 3: Octavia sits up and looks more confident.
Octavia: Thanks. You uh, seemed a little distant, is all. And that's kind of what I'm picking up from Dee too. Distant, or something. I, um, I've never really had a conversation like this before, asking if a student of mine is in some kind of, um, unhealthy relationship. I'm a little bit nervous about approaching them.
You: Let's talk it through. If Dee shares with you, how do you think you should respond to support them?
Picture 4: Octavia raises her eyebrow, thoughtful.
Octavia: Hmm, if Dee starts opening up, maybe I'd just, I think I'd try to get some more information out of Dee to put into the report I have to make.
You: Sometimes, it can help to show students like Dee that you believe them and give them control.
Picture 5: Octavia nods, understanding.
Octavia: Oh, I see that. So, focus on Dee's needs. I imagine a person in Dee's situation might, sort of, feel like they're losing control over their situation over time, and, yeah. Giving them more control now might be a relief for them. And, I'm also trying to think about how I can encourage Dee to open up in the first place. So, what I want to do is, tell Dee what a good relationship is supposed to look like. Then, help Dee decide if they're really okay with what's going on. I'm not sure if that's what I should do, but, like, the students are always talking to me about these reality shows. And the stuff I hear, people are just so mean to each other. So controlling. I don't know how much they get to see the other side of that, a better way.
You: I get you want to tell Dee how you see things. What do you think about giving Dee space to share their perspective first?
Octavia: Uh huh, letting Dee know that I'm there to listen might work better than, you know, starting with how I see things. All right, so let's say at some point in the conversation with Dee, they tell me they're experiencing an abusive relationship. What do I do then? Can you talk me through the referral process to make sure I do it right?
You: First, when do you think it's the right time to bring up support options with Dee?
Octavia: The right time? That's a good question. Maybe I'd want to bring it up right as we're leaving, to keep it more casual.
You: There's no right or wrong time to bring up support options.
Octavia: Oh, okay. If I bring the options up a little earlier, before we're leaving, that'll give Dee room to ask questions or whatever. So, um, what else about referring Dee should I consider?
You: I guess, where do you think you could refer Dee?
Octavia: Hmm, I guess, I know about guidance. That's the big one.
Coach: Check your school's policy to know exactly where to refer students. Also, depending on the situation, it could help to know the full chain of reporting that might trigger. Some consequences of disclosing can be unexpected for the child.
You: Guidance can help connect Dee with resources if that's as much as you feel comfortable doing.
Picture 6: Octavia relaxes, relieved.
Octavia: Okay, I'm glad the people in guidance will know what other resources to recommend. I guess, I'll focus on showing Dee I believe them, and leave the rest to guidance.
Picture 7: Octavia's eyebrows furrow, she looks unsure.
Octavia: The only other thing is, um, I'm a little worried about how Dee will react if I mention that I'm going to tell the people in guidance. I, um, I don't want Dee to wish they hadn't told me.
You: By telling Dee you're reporting to guidance, Dee will be better prepared when guidance does contact them.
Octavia: Hmm, I don't want Dee to feel betrayed or anything, maybe transparency is the best policy. Especially if I frame it like, like I'm giving them options, as much as possible.
Picture 8: Octavia nods, more confident.
Okay, I feel a lot better about everything. Thank you for talking me through all that. I'll keep what we talked about in mind when I check with Dee.
The first step you discussed with Octavia was Identify. There were a few moments when you effectively helped Octavia identify. As one example, you said, "Can you try making a more specific and neutral observation?"
The second step you discussed with Octavia was Approach. There were a few moments when you effectively helped Octavia think through how to approach the student. As one example, you said, "Sometimes, it can help to show students like Dee that you believe them and give them control."
The final step you discussed with Octavia was Refer. There were a few moments when you effectively helped Octavia think through how to refer. As one example, you said, "By telling Dee you're reporting to guidance, Dee will be better prepared when guidance does contact them."