Anna: And when we describe a person as illegal, well. In the end, it’s about respect, showing respect for each other’s humanity. You never know the experiences of the people you’re talking to. And like you know as a member of the SGA, we want a community where people, all people, feel like they belong.
What do you think about all that?
Kacey: I, I didn’t really think about that before. I wasn’t trying to offend anyone, or anything. I’ve just heard that term used by other people.
Anna: I believe you didn’t intend to cause harm. At the same time, even when we don’t mean to offend someone, when we do, it’s important to respond to it. Language changes over time, and the most important thing, like you said, is to try to think about the impact of our words on other people. Ideally we catch ourselves before we say something that could cause a harmful impact in the first place. How’s that sound to you?
Kacey: I mean, that’s kinda, yeah. That sounds good. And, and if it’s better to use a word like “undocumented” or “unauthorized” or whatever, I can do that.
Coach: Asking Kacey what she already knows shows respect and can reduce defensiveness. She is more receptive to hearing new information.
Anna: Do you get now why people were upset by what you said?
Kacey: (exasperated) Yeah, I guess. but still it’s like. Why can’t they talk to me about it?
Coach: Kacey didn’t feel there was a lot of room to share. Anna should try asking open-ended questions so that she knows she is there to listen.
Kacey: The point is, maybe I said something wrong that like, hurt some people’s feelings. But, now what do I do? They’re not even talking to me.
Anna: Want to discuss that a little?
Kacey: Sure.
Anna: Do you think the other members of the SGA might give you another chance if you apologized?
Kacey: Pfft. Maybe.
Coach: Kacey felt Anna was steering her toward an apology before she was ready. Anna should try asking open-ended questions to encourage Kacey to share with her her thinking so that she can better guide her to reconciliation.
Anna: So, are you going to apologize? Or not?
Kacey: (frustrated) I don’t know. I need, I need time to think.
Anna: Sure, no pressure.
Kacey: (sigh)
Coach: This close-ended question can be seen as confrontational. Kacey felt Anna was trying to push her to apologize when she wasn’t ready. Anna should try asking open-ended questions to encourage Kacey to share with her.
Kacey: Honestly, I’m not sure I want to apologize. Or at least, when, how, whatever.
Anna: I’m happy to keep talking with you about it.
Kacey: Nah, I’d rather just think about it on my own some more. I’ll figure out how to do it in a way that’ll, I guess try to get people to start talking with me again. And, I can let you know.
Anna: Okay.
Anna: Thanks for talking with me today. It can be a difficult conversation to have, acknowledging the ways we can reflect on our actions, and work to repair relationships.
Kacey: Okay, well, I think I’m gonna go, if that’s all right.
Anna: Of course.
Kacey: I won’t say I’m looking forward to whatever happens next but I feel like I have a better sense of things now.
Anna: That’s good to hear.
Pic 3: The screen changes to one that contains feedback on how Anna did in the conversation.
Kacey feels somewhat supported after her conversation with Anna. She knows Anna is there for her and there are other resources available if she wants them.
Anna asked Kacey the close-ended question “Do you know what made people get upset?”
Kacey didn’t feel like she had a lot of space to share her perspective about what happened.
Anna followed it up with “Talk me through what happened at the SGA meeting.”
This open-ended prompt gave Kacey space to share any thoughts or feelings about the SGA meeting.
Anna told Kacey “You know, people might have listened to you more if you’d used different language.”
Kacey didn’t feel like Anna was trying to understand her perspective about what happened.
Anna followed It up with “You wanted people to pay more attention to your ideas.”
Anna effectively used a reflection to show Kacey she’s listening and she understands. Kacey felt comfortable continuing to share with Anna.
Kacey felt defensive when Anna gave her advice without asking her first.
Anna said “I’ve heard the word ‘illegal’ can be hurtful when it’s used to describe a person in general.”
Anna followed up with “Can I share a little about my understanding of the impact of that term? ‘Illegal immigrant’?”
Anna asked Kacey if it was okay if she shared her own understanding with her. With this use of “ask-tell-ask,” she was receptive to hearing about it.