Pic 8: The screen returns to the group at the table.
Amira: In conversations like these, there might be moments when you need to share information. One way to respectfully share is called “ask-tell-ask.”
Frank: This is a three-step process. First, ask what they already know or ask permission to share information. This reduces defensiveness. Then, tell a small chunk of information.
Eve: Finally, ask a follow-up questionto get the person’s response. Like, “What do you make of that?”
Pic 9: The screen returns to the phone conversation, where the last text from Jeremy reads “Exactly! Why didn’t he see that?”
There are two different strategies of ask-tell-ask that Frank could use here.
Frank: Do you mind if I share my thoughts?
Jeremy: Okay.
Frank: Telling Nathan to do extra work without talking to him first puts extra pressure on him. This happens often to Black professors and creates a larger workload. This can be emotionally draining. He might choose to mentor students, but that’s his choice, we can’t make assumptions. Like how you get to decide who you mentor. Am I making sense?
Jeremy: Yeah, I can see that.
Pic 10: The screen returns to the group at the table.
Frank: If I’d stopped there Jeremy might’ve thought better of his actions and considered what he might do differently in the future. But that isn’t enough. What needed to happen was for him to go back to Nathan and make amends.
Eve: Reconciliation usually requires something a little difficult, an apology and a genuine acknowledgment of harm and wrongdoing.
Frank: I encouraged Jeremy to embrace the learning opportunity. To own the impact of his actions, being open to what Nathan had to say.
Amira: When making amends, open-ended questions, reflections, and ask-tell-ask are all valuable skills.
Pic 11: The screen returns to the phone, with the last text being “Yeah, I can see that” from Jeremy.
We’ll walk through three possible approaches to brainstorming next steps, including an open-ended question, a reflection, and an instance of ask-tell-ask.
Open-ended question: How do you think you might resolve this with Nathan?
Frank: How do you think you might resolve this with Nathan?
Jeremy: I don’t know. Do you think I need to apologize?
Frank: Your intentions were positive, but in the end your assumptions harmed Nathan.
Jeremy: But what if he stays mad at me?
Frank: He might, and if he does, you want to give him the space to be angry or frustrated.
Jeremy: Okay. I guess I can do that.
Reflection: Your intentions were positive, but in the end your assumptions harmed Nathan.
Frank: Your intentions were positive, but in the end your assumptions harmed Nathan.
Jeremy: Okay, but what am I supposed to do about it?
Frank: Have you considered acknowledging what happened and apologizing?
Jeremy: But what if he stays mad at me?
Frank: He might, and if he does, you want to give him the space to be angry or frustrated. But it’s important that you’re willing to try. Try having an honest conversation with him. Like we just had.
Jeremy: Okay. I guess I can do that.
Ask-tell-ask: Would you mind if I shared what I think would be a good idea to do next?
Frank: Would you mind if I shared what I think would be a good idea to do next?
Jeremy: I guess not.
Frank: Have you considered acknowledging what happened and apologizing? Your intentions were positive, but in the end your assumptions harmed Nathan. What do you think?
Jeremy: But what if he stays mad at me?
Frank: He might, and if he does, you want to give him the space to be angry or frustrated. But it’s important that you’re willing to try. Try having an honest conversation with him. Like we just had.
Jeremy: Okay, I guess I can do that.
Pic 12: The screen returns to the group at the table
Frank: These skills can be used in any difficult conversation, with colleagues and with students.
Eve: Let’s watch two example conversations between a professor named Anna Kham and a student she mentors. The student, Kacey, came to her after a student government meeting. The SGA had been discussing immigration, and Kacey felt like no one listened to her perspective because she used the term “illegal immigrant.” We’ll go through a more and less effective version of the conversation.
Amira: Anna Kham’s goal is to give Kacey space to talk, help her consider the impact of her words, and brainstorm some next steps.