Coach: Asking Kacey permission to discuss a potential apology gives her space to talk about anything she would like to be clarified or discussed further without pushing her into something that makes her uncomfortable
Kacey: I guess, I might want to try apologizing. Not sure it’ll get things back to the way they were before, but it’s worth it to show I’m thinking about it, and that I feel bad I said something hurtful.
Anna: Absolutely. As you know, you can’t control their responses to what you say. All you can do is communicate how you feel, and ideally think of a way to move from your words into actions.
Kacey: Yeah, agreed. Hmm, maybe we could establish a way for people to like, well at SGA, when anyone uses language that others find offensive-, or that’s hurtful or whatever. Maybe there could be some kind of way to flag it, address it somehow, before we continue the discussion at hand. That could help kinda improve the ways we can talk with each other.
Anna: That feels like a thoughtful way to show you want to repair those relationships, as an individual, and as a group. Especially if, you know, you also take accountability on a personal level for what happened, the language you used.
Kacey: Yeah, yeah. I understand people were hurt because of what I said, and maybe this will help me in the future too.
Anna: If you want help workshopping the language to use for the proposal, let me know!
Kacey: Alright, sounds good.
If I’m being honest, I’m just kind of, I’m afraid of what people already think about me. This whole thing is so, ugh. Like, I’m not a bad person, you know? Everyone can make mistakes.
Anna: So along with offering an apology, and maybe proposing a system to hold yourself and others accountable for using respectful language in the future, it feels like you’re a little uncomfortable with how people might be perceiving you right now, and you still want to take a moment to reflect on your choices.
That shows your character more than anything else.
Kacey: Yeah. I’m sort of doing this for myself regardless.
Anna: Exactly.
Coach: Anna used a reflection that showed Kacey she was listening to her. She feels supported and understood.
Anna: Can I share a little about my understanding about the value of that feeling of discomfort?
Kacey: Pfft. Value? Sure.
Anna: Yeah, it’s like, if you work out, you get sore. And that’s a sign your muscles are building up.
Kacey: (considering) Uh huh.
Anna: And that discomfort, it can motivate you. To stay open and aware of others. What do you think of that?
Coach: Anna asked Kacey for permission to discuss difficult feelings. This shows her respect and gives her space to talk about anything she’s not sure about.
Kacey: I suppose, it’s okay that these conversations get uncomfortable. I’m just not really, I’m not used to it.
But, I guess it’s something that’s worth getting used to.
Anna: Definitely. We all can get better at, you know, being comfortable with the uncomfortable. Especially if it helps us expand our understanding of each other. And care more about each other.
Kacey: I agree.
Coach: Asking Kacey permission to discuss difficult feelings shows Anna respects her and gives her space to talk about anything she would like to be clarified or discussed further.
Anna: So especially now that you’re feeling a little more comfortable with the uncomfortable nature of some of these conversations, I get the sense you’re open to hearing more about other people’s perspectives, on this topic and others.
Kacey: The conversation we’ve had today, I get how I could learn more about this topic. Might even make me a better member of the SGA if I can like, better understand more of the students here.
Anna: I get that.
Kacey: That’s my job. To represent people. So, better to push myself to learn more.
Coach: Anna interpreted what Kacey was telling you and reflected it back to her, along with the positive values she demonstrated. She knows Anna’s listening and feels supported.
Anna: So, if you were to try and learn more, how would you go about it?
Kacey: I mean, there are a few members of SGA who I think would talk with me more about it, if I asked them. Like, I’m not sure if you know, Meaghan Hartie? Or Laura Krigline?
Anna: I’m not sure.
Kacey: And there are others as well. They could probably talk with me a little themselves, and maybe, maybe introduce me to some new people here I know a little less about.
Anna: If they were open to talking more, that could definitely help you reflect on some other perspectives. And if they don’t feel like talking, that’s okay too.
Coach: Anna asked Kacey an open-ended question about how she would potentially learn more and gave her space to share her thoughts. This shows her that Anna wants to support her.
Kacey: I guess learning more could help me. And show I’m not just full of it. That I actually acknowledge I have room to improve.
Anna: It certainly reinforces the ways you want to have an informed, thoughtful discussion. The way you want the SGA to be.
Kacey: For sure. And maybe that’ll help rebuild things with people.
Anna: I’m happy to suggest some resources as a starting place too.
Kacey: Okay, thanks, I’d appreciate that. I’d rather not put stress on people to teach me if they don’t want to, So yeah.
If I’m being honest, when I came by to talk, I was feeling pretty, frustrated. And upset. And, I guess I still have some of those feelings, but also, I don’t know. Difficult experiences help us, in a way. So, so if I try to rethink things, maybe there’s an opportunity here.
Anna: It’s great you’re open to challenging yourself in that way.
Kacey: Yeah, maybe I’ll try to see if there’s a way to establish that. Even beyond SGA.
Anna: Sounds like a great plan.
Kacey: Anyway, thank you for talking with me.
Anna: You’re welcome. And whatever happens, I’m always here to talk more.
Kacey: I’ll take you up on that.
Anna did a good job supporting Kacey. She knows Anna’s there for her and there are other resources available if she wants them.
Anna did a good job asking open-ended questions. Kacey felt comfortable sharing information with her.
Anna said “From your perspective, what was different about this meeting?”
By asking an open-ended question, Anna gave Kacey space to share her perspective.
Anna did a good job reflecting what Kacey was telling her. Kacey felt heard and she continued to share with Anna.
Anna said “It seems like people reacted most strongly after you used the phrase ‘illegal immigrant.’”
Anna effectively used a reflection to show Kacey she’s listening and she understands. Kacey felt comfortable continuing to share with Anna.
Anna did a good job asking Kacey about her previous knowledge on the topic. She felt like Anna respected her, so she continued to share with her.
Anna said “I didn’t know much about how people feel about the term ‘illegal immigrant’ either, so I looked it up. Could I share with you what I read?”
Anna asked Kacey if it was okay if she shared her understanding with Kacey. With this use of “ask-tell-ask,” she was receptive to hearing about it.