Building trust with a caregiver goes a long way toward making conversations easier. Even small chats at drop-off and pick-up can really nurture the relationship. But sometimes we need to raise a concern very early in the relationship.
In those cases, we have to take extra care to set the right tone. Since we need their help and trust, it’s no use trying to rush things. Next steps could be as small as finding another time to talk.
Let’s try this out.
In this next conversation, you’ll talk to Leroy. Leroy is the grandfather of one of your students, Sophia. You met him and Sophia’s mother on the first day of pre-k.
Sophia is three. When Sophia gets dropped off, she usually smiles and runs to join her friends. But in the last few weeks, you’ve noticed some changes. Sophia’s mom usually picks her up; but lately, it’s been Leroy. Since then, Sophia’s been coming in whining and hasn’t seemed excited by her favorite activities. She’s been playing with her friends less and throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. You emailed her mom and Leroy to set up a time to talk. Leroy responded, and you’re meeting later today.
In your conversation with Rosa, your goals were to:
Since this is your first time sitting down with Leroy, you’ll have to see how much you can accomplish.
First, let’s look at an interaction that goes poorly. Jackie Torres will appear from time to time with observations and advice.
LEROY: (genuinely frustrated) ...and then I had to take the car BACK to the shop, cause you know- people these days don’t know how to do things right the first time.
KELLY: Wow, that sounds pretty stressful.
LEROY: It is what it is, you know?
KELLY: Well, I’m glad it worked out for us to sit down and chat today.
LEROY: (dismissive) Sure, anything for my Sophia. (a little accusatory) What’s goin’ on?
KELLY: Sophia’s had some problems in class. And usually, at this point, we want to get the family involved.
LEROY: (aggressive) ...What do you mean, exactly? (worried in an intense way) You gonna tell me what’s going on, or what?
COACH: Ms. Kelly hasn’t yet established that she’s on Leroy’s side, so he got defensive.
KELLY: Sophia’s had days where she won’t share the blocks with her friends, and I’m starting to worry about what this means for her.
LEROY: If she wants to play alone, she should be able to do that. And how’s she supposed to know how to share, she’s 3? You expect too much of these kids.
KELLY: You’re right, it’s okay she doesn’t choose to share on her own. But if she doesn’t listen when we ask her to share now, she might end up having a hard time relating to other children.
LEROY: Sure, but- is this really that big a deal? You tell me Sophia’s been having problems in class... but all I hear is someone who maybe- just maybe... has no idea how to do their job.
KELLY: That’s- that’s not fair.
LEROY: Tough, pumpkin. Life ain’t fair.
COACH: Ms. Kelly shared a specific example of Sophia’s behavior. But when she added concerns about Sophia’s future, she put Leroy on the defensive. Let’s see Ms. Kelly try a different approach.
KELLY: Do you think Sophia having trouble in class because of whatever’s going on with her mom? I didn’t hear back from her when I emailed about this meeting today, and... it might be nothing, but I’m worried that this could be affecting Sophia.
LEROY: I’m sorry, what’s the plan here? It sounds like you think Sophia is having these... problems in YOUR class, so... what are YOU gonna do about it?
KELLY: Please try to stay calm.
LEROY: I’m trying, but- you’re really pissing me off right now.
KELLY: We can figure this out, okay?
LEROY: You need to figure this out. Or I might have to have a chat with your supervisor.
KELLY: There’s no need for that.
LEROY: We’ll see.
KELLY: (thinks to herself) Well... he’s upset. That’s okay. We can try to pick this up next time. Before he leaves, I might want to clear up how important it will be for us to work together on this.
KELLY: It will make it easier for me to help Sophia if you actually work with me here.
LEROY: This is your job, okay lady?
KELLY: I know that, but-
LEROY: Stop, okay? Just stop. I think I’m done talking with you.
COACH: By saying, “if you actually work with me,” Ms. Kelly implied Leroy has not been working with her. This did not set up a tone of collaboration.
KELLY: Well... thanks again for talking with me.
LEROY: Yeah, I should probably get going.
Leroy didn’t feel that the two of you are a team. This lowered his commitment to working with Ms. Kelly. As a result, it’s been challenging to partner with Leroy and find solutions to help support Sophia.
Now let’s look at an interaction that goes well.
LEROY: (genuinely frustrated) ...and then I had to take the car BACK to the shop, cause you know- people these days don’t know how to do things right the first time.
KELLY: Wow, that sounds pretty stressful.
LEROY: It is what it is, you know?
KELLY: Well, I’m glad it worked out for us to sit down and chat today.
LEROY: (dismissive) Sure, anything for my Sophia. (a little accusatory) What’s goin’ on?
KELLY: Well, there were a few reasons I wanted to chat today. Partly I wanted you to know Sophia’s a real gem.
LEROY: Uh huh.
KELLY: It’s always great to have someone like her in class.
LEROY: (accusatory) ...but?
KELLY: (takes a moment to check in with herself) Okay. Seems like he’s... a little on edge right now. And something might have changed at home...? For now, it probably makes the most sense to bring up what I’ve noticed at school while showing him how much we care about Sophia.
COACH: Taking a moment to check in with herself was a great way to take stock of the situation and think about the best approach.
KELLY: I don’t want to give the wrong impression here. Sophia has plenty of moments where she’s been as curious and excited as usual. Like, just today, she was making a fish, gluing shells to colored paper, and it came out really well!
LEROY: Yeah, she’s a sweetheart.
KELLY: She was giggling the whole time. It really made our day.
COACH: Sharing a specific affirmation about Sophia helped create a sense of trust. It shows Ms. Kelly sees Sophia’s strengths and that she is rooting for her!
LEROY: That’s good to hear. (getting a little more upset) But... you said she’s only like that sometimes... not all the time? What do you mean?
KELLY: Until recently, Sophia’s been great when changing activities. However... We’ve noticed Sophia gets upset a little more easily than usual, and she’s... struggling more during transitions throughout the day.
LEROY: Why? What was goin’ on?
KELLY: Like, yesterday we were going outside, and Sophia didn’t want to stop playing with blocks. She started yelling and crying. That’s new. She used to be happy to follow directions.
LEROY: She’s three. Kids get upset sometimes.
KELLY: Okay. I know this might be sensitive... Recently, I’ve noticed you’ve picked up Sophia, instead of her mom.
LEROY: Yeah. So? Never seen a family change who picks up the kid?
KELLY: Of course I have-
LEROY: Well, there you go. (blunt, dismissive) I mean- I get it. You’re seeing Sophia act different, and- you want to make sure everything’s okay. We’re fine.
COACH: Sharing a concrete example about changes she’s noticed can help build trust with Leroy. However, this might not be the right time to talk about this. She can always continue the conversation another time.
KELLY: (takes a moment to think) This seems like it might be too much too fast for Leroy... maybe instead of focusing on Sophia in school, I could talk more about his experiences with her in general, let him know I want to support Sophia with his help. That might make more sense for today.
COACH: Sometimes it’s important to reflect on how a conversation is going. It’s okay to adjust priorities to get a better sense of how ready a caregiver is to discuss a concern.
KELLY: Whenever you come to pick up Sophia, she’s clearly so excited to see you.
LEROY: Mhm.
KELLY: Knowing you and your wife are supporting Sophia at home makes it easier for me to... feel confident about how she’s doing in class.
LEROY: (sincere) I get that. I mean- (more dismissive) I’m glad to help how I can, but- I’m her grandpa, of course she loves me.
KELLY: What does Sophia like to do at home?
LEROY: I dunno. She’s been really excited about watercolors. My wife sits with her and does it. It’s not my thing, but- you know. They have fun.
KELLY: That’s so sweet. Sophia’s lucky to have you two in her life.
LEROY: If sitting and doing art with a kid is the bar of a good parent, I don’t know what kinda stuff is going on with everyone else around here... Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all prickly... I’m sure you’re trying your best... doing what you can for all these kids. It’s just that... (painful to say out loud) Things at home have been... a little tough.
KELLY: Even though things are chaotic, you’re doing everything you can to keep them stable for Sophia.
LEROY: Mhm. Her mom is trying her best to make it work this time, but- we’ve been here before. It’s a lot. ’Specially for Sophia. She just... doesn’t get it. I mean- how could she?
KELLY: You’ve been thinking so much about her. What she needs right now.
LEROY: Yeah. We’re trying.
COACH: Recognizing Leroy’s strengths and values made him feel like he could open up a little more.
KELLY: I will do whatever I can to help Sophia while she’s with us.
LEROY: Okay. Good.
KELLY: If you have any thoughts on what works well for you at home that I could try in class, I’d love to hear them.
LEROY: Okay... you get it’s not my job to do your job... right?
KELLY: Absolutely. That said, you’ll always know Sophia better than I will. When we work together, I can use your experience to make the classroom feel... as comfortable for her as possible.
LEROY: Alright. I get that.
KELLY: So feel free to let me know if anything comes to mind.
LEROY: Will do.
COACH: Focusing on what Ms. Kelly wants for Sophia and inviting input from Leroy helped realign priorities back to Sophia. This helps set a collaborative tone for future conversations.
KELLY: Sophia is so lucky to have you in her life. You’re giving her a sense of stability.
LEROY: My wife and I... we’re doing what we can.
KELLY: And that’s a lot.
LEROY: Mhm.
KELLY: We talked about a lot today. This seems like a pretty good to stop, if you’d like.
LEROY: Yeah, I should probably get going.
KELLY: Would it be okay if we checked in next week to talk about things we can try to support Sophia?
LEROY: Okay. It’ll be good to know how she’s doing.
Ms. Kelly set a tone of trust and caring. Leroy felt they were a team. He’s fully committed to supporting Sophia together.
As a result, Ms. Kelly’s been meeting with Leroy several times a month. Leroy shared more about what helps Sophia at home. Together, they’ve found solutions that are helping Sophia be more comfortable in class. And the frequent meetings mean Ms. Kelly can quickly adjust as needed.