Let’s talk about ways to prevent a situation from escalating. In general, you want to collaborate with your team and develop an engaging and caring atmosphere. When children are playing with their friends, they’re more likely to stay happy and calm.
There are a few ways you can develop a caring atmosphere.
Set expectations for your space, including a daily schedule. Write them down and add visuals. When the classroom is stable and predictable, it helps kids feel safe.
Talk about expectations and feelings throughout the day. For example, before circle time you might talk about expectations around steady bodies and taking turns while talking. You could share some strategies like raising hands, and discuss how it makes everyone feel when we sit still and listen to each other.
Teach feeling words and help children connect words to what they’re feeling. For example, I used to discuss feelings during story time. That helped children express themselves and gave us a common language.
Another technique is starting the day by asking students how they’re feeling. This helps them identify feelings, and lets you know what they might need.
I also practiced breathing and movement exercises with my students. It gave them tools to regulate themselves, and gave me a chance to pause and calm down.
Making these things a routine part of the day means you’ll all be better prepared when it counts. You won’t need to work as hard in the moment. And you’ll be better equipped to notice when a child may need extra support.
Another way to prevent situations from escalating is to collaborate with your team. Plan ahead for high-stress moments like shift changes and transitions. Talk about what situations push your students’ buttons and what behaviors signal an escalation. For example, with Eli you know to keep an eye out during circle time!
Usually, when difficult behavior happens you’ll have to let the caregiver know. This is a great time to problem-solve together, but it can be a little stressful. I remember worrying about what to say and how they might react. And I get it-- there are a million reasons they might already be feeling stressed or upset. And now they have to hear their kid did something. Maybe wonder if people are judging or what this means for their child’s future. Add it all up, and... I’ve seen caregivers get tearful, defensive, or even angry with me.
But when these conversations go well, you gain a partner. There’s a lot you can do to support the child and address concerns or underlying issues together. And children can tell you’re working together--so that can give you a little more leverage.
So let’s talk about how to make these conversations go well. In general, it helps to set a tone of trust and caring.
Check in with yourself, examine your own feelings. That will help you keep your cool. Anticipate what might upset them. If they do get upset, it’s good to take a sec and check in with yourself again.
Start with strengths. Share examples of what the child is doing well, to show you see the child is more than their difficult moments, that you’re on their side.
Describe the behavior, and the larger pattern, with neutral and descriptive language.
A graphic shows examples:
It helps caregivers understand what’s happening.
Get the caregiver’s perspective. They’re the expert on the child outside of class, so show them you value their input. Ask what they’ve noticed and what strategies work for them.
All of this gets easier if you plan what to say ahead of time. You should also make sure you both have enough time to talk, and find a place away from little ears.
Let’s try this out in a conversation with a virtual caregiver.
In this next conversation, you’ll talk to Eli’s mom, Rosa, about the incident between Eli and Marcus.
Ms. Kelly chats with Rosa at pickup and dropoff, mentioning things Eli is doing well when she can. She’s also mentioned times when Eli has gotten excited, frustrated, or hit a friend, and different approaches she’s tried, but hasn’t had time to get into problem-solving.
Today, Rosa left Eli’s little sister, Eve, with a baby sitter, so she has a little more time to talk.
Your goals in this conversation are to:
Eli’s behavior is becoming a pattern, and he needs help from both of you.
First, let’s look at an interaction that goes poorly. Jackie Torres will appear from time to time with observations and advice.
KELLY: Aww, that’s so sweet! Glad to hear little Eve is doing well.
ROSA: She’s a handful, but we’re making it work. I mean, what’s the other option?
KELLY: (laughs)
ROSA: And you said you wanted to chat about my other one, right? I only have a few minutes, but- what’s up?
KELLY: Well, while there are times when he’s great, there are other times when, well... Today, during reading time, Eli got a little aggressive again.
ROSA: Uh- what do you mean by that?
KELLY: We were reading a book together as a class, and Eli had a hard time controlling his body when he got upset, so he hit one of his friends.
ROSA: I- gotta say, I’m having a hard time seeing that.
COACH: Using judgmental language like “aggressive” can put caregivers on edge and make them defensive. Ms. Kelly could try neutral language and describing the behavioral incident in more detail.
KELLY: Eli’s friend was okay, so... We ended up doing a counting exercise together as a class... Which helped. But now something like this has happened a couple times, I was hoping we could... come up with some ways to help Eli manage big feelings, which might help him feel more comfortable in class.
ROSA: (thinks to herself) I don’t like where this is going...
KELLY: I’m worried something at home is causing Eli to be disruptive. Can you think of anything like that?
ROSA: ...No, not really.
KELLY: I- are you sure? This is important.
ROSA: I know that. And I’m telling you- it’s not us, okay? I guess whatever you all are doing in class is what’s making him upset.
KELLY: Sorry, but we need to work together on this. It’s not going to help him if it’s just me at school.
ROSA: I AM helping him. I mean, what are we paying you for exactly?
COACH: It’s important to emphasize collaboration However, implying that the caregiver is not invested in collaboration can make them think a teacher isn’t invested in supporting their child. It can also hurt the chances for collaboration in the future.
KELLY: Look, when Eli gets worked up, I worry about the other kids in the class.
ROSA: Really? He’s four.
KELLY: Of course, but so are the other kids, and when Eli’s getting all- he’s a bit of a risk to the other kids.
ROSA: Excuse me? What, you’re saying my kid’s dangerous, or- I don’t even wanna know what you’re thinking, honestly.
KELLY: That’s really not what I meant. It’s just that I can’t have-
ROSA: Far as I can tell, your job is to deal with kids who have a lot of energy. So if you can’t do that... I don’t know what to tell ya.
KELLY: I’m sorry, but it isn’t easy for Ms. Zoe and I to stay on top of everyone, especially with someone like Eli in our class.
ROSA: I see. And what exactly do you want me to do about that?
KELLY: I- look, I want to have this conversation with you now, because if this keeps up... if we DON’T end up being able to get Eli to keep his hands to himself in class... this might not be the right place for him.
COACH: Threatening expulsion made Rosa defensive. Talking about consequences can distract from what an educator and a caregiver can do in the moment to support a child.
ROSA: Are you- do you mean you’d like, kick him out?
KELLY: It’s not about what I want here, it’s our policy-
ROSA: He’s four, okay? I mean- I think I’ve heard enough. How about you focus on doing your job, and I’ll worry about my kid. Okay?
KELLY: Okay.
ROSA: I should get going.
KELLY: Maybe we can find a time soon to check in.
ROSA: Sure.
Rosa didn’t feel she and Ms. Kelly were a team, and did not feel like she could work with Ms. Kelly to support Eli. As a result, Eli continued having a tough time controlling his body when he was frustrated.
Now let’s look at an interaction that goes well.
KELLY: Aww, that’s so sweet! Glad to hear little Eve is doing well.
ROSA: She’s a handful, but we’re making it work. I mean, what’s the other option?
KELLY: (laughs)
ROSA: And you said you wanted to chat about my other one, right? I only have a few minutes, but- what’s up?
KELLY: Well, overall, like I’ve said before, Eli’s a great kid.
ROSA: Uh huh...
KELLY: He clearly enjoys school, which is always good to see.
ROSA: Right... um what- what exactly is this about?
KELLY: (takes a moment to think) Okay, here we go. Just, take a breath. This is probably just as stressful for Rosa as it is for me, especially since this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. He means so much to her... might be worth chatting about EVERYTHING Eli’s been doing in class.
COACH: Taking a moment to check in with herself was a great way to take stock of the situation and think about the best approach.
KELLY: Well, there are a couple things I wanted to bring up. Part of what I wanted to share is that Eli has been doing well in class. Yesterday, when we were building with blocks, Eli made a tower that was pretty high above everyone else’s.
COACH: Using descriptive language and providing clear examples about what Eli is doing well helped put Rosa at ease.
ROSA: Mm, he loves building stuff.
KELLY: And then, when Sophia’s fell down, and she started crying, he went over and helped her build one just as high.
ROSA: That’s so sweet.
KELLY: And Eli’s been so proud of his art. On our way out, I’ll show you what he’s been doing. It’s very... colorful!
ROSA: I’m sure it is. But... you said there were some other things he’s been up to as well, right?
KELLY: Well... One of the other ways that Eli’s been participating in class is during circle time, which he loves. Earlier today, we were reading a book about whales- I know how much Eli likes the sea, and he was getting pretty excited. He couldn’t see as well as he wanted, so he tried to get his friend to move. We’ve noticed when Eli has big feelings he has a hard time controlling his body, so he ended up accidentally hitting his friend.
ROSA: Oh no...
KELLY: We ended up doing a counting exercise together as a class... Which helped. But now something like this has happened a couple times, I was hoping we could... come up with some ways to help Eli manage big feelings, which might help him feel more comfortable in class.
ROSA: Okay, sure.
ROSA: (thinks to herself) I hope Eli’s okay... what’s going on with him right now?
KELLY: I know Eli doesn’t want to hit anyone. When something like this happens... I mean he usually gets more upset than anyone, and wants to spend some time in the cozy corner to cool down.
ROSA: Yeah, same thing happens at home sometimes, when the baby starts screaming. Eli gets kinda frustrated, starts stomping his feet or whatever. I can’t tell who’s more upset, Eve, or Eli! Or me, for that matter…
COACH: Being empathetic to Eli and sharing detailed information helped set a tone of trust and caring. As a result, Rosa was comfortable sharing that she sees some of this behavior at home.
KELLY: Definitely, I get the sense when he gets big feelings he’s not exactly sure what to do with his body. Which is pretty typical for someone his age.
ROSA: Yeah, that makes sense, he still figuring out how to deal with everything.
KELLY: Exactly. It’s not unusual for him to need a little extra help regulating his body.
ROSA: It means a lot, you know, you thinking about where Eli’s at in all this.
KELLY: Could you tell me a little about what Eli’s like when he’s with you, at home?
ROSA: I don’t know... he’s a good kid, does what I ask of him. Most of the time, anyway. He likes helping out- and of course playing with clay, blocks, and the like. We let him use a computer or our tablet sometimes- but we do try to limit it, a little. You know, doing our best.
KELLY: Ah, gotcha. That all lines up with what I’ve seen of him in class.
ROSA: Makes sense. He talks about how much he enjoys being here.
KELLY: I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. As much as Ms. Zoe and I try to get to know Eli, we’re never going to be able to understand him the way you do.
ROSA: Sure, but I can tell you’re trying as much as you can.
KELLY: Yeah. That’s what it means to be working together on this, right?
ROSA: Definitely.
COACH: Emphasizing teamwork and Rosa’s expertise as a caregiver made her feel comfortable and open to discussing Eli’s behavior as well as solutions.
KELLY: At home, when Eli has big feelings, what do you do to help him manage his body? Or even before he gets to that point?
ROSA: I mean, sometimes we let him run around outside for a bit until he gets tired. ’Cept when it’s raining. Best thing we do is make clear that... if he stays quiet, he’ll get some time with our tablet, or something sweet, or whatever.
KELLY: Ah, that makes sense! Some kind of a reward system, so he knows what’s expected of him.
ROSA: Right. And we tell him when he’s doing a great job, which he likes. That seems to keep him more calm. I dunno what it’d be like if he didn’t get a treat for staying calm... he’d be bouncing off the walls, and we’d be ducking for cover!
KELLY: (laughs) IF it’s okay with you, could I share a little about what’s worked to help Eli be successful in class?
ROSA: All right, I don’t see why not.
KELLY: Here we’ve talked with Eli about how it’s important to take deep breaths... physically move away from situations that make him uncomfortable... And we usually give him a few minutes by himself, before he’s ready to talk. That’s been my experience anyway. How’s that compare with what you’ve seen with him?
ROSA: Yeah, I mean we have our own tricks to keep him calm. But thanks, that’s helpful.
KELLY: In order to keep things consistent for Eli, is there anything we do at school that you’d want to try at home?
ROSA: Yeah, that’s a good idea. Maybe it’ll help him if we work together to get him into a routine. You’d mentioned when he’s upset, he could think about, you know... breathing... going someplace else... And we can try to give him a little extra time to himself when he’s upset. Like you do in class.
KELLY: Yeah, that’d be great! And it sounds like the reward system you have in place at home helps Eli, which makes it easier for him to be aware of how he’s feeling, and what he can do with his body.
ROSA: Yeah, it’s been helpful for us.
KELLY: And I was thinking that we could try something like that at school? Maybe give Eli a star chart in his cubby? Give him a star every day he does a good job managing his body? And then if you want, you could reward him with something if he does well in class.
ROSA: That could work. Eli tends to like that... when we tell him he’s doing a good job. Maybe I could take him out for ice cream at the end of the week, or something.
KELLY: I’m glad we had a chance to talk today. This should help us support Eli, both at school and at home.
ROSA: Sounds like a plan. Thanks. It’s clear you care about the kids here.
Ms. Kelly set a tone of trust and caring. Rosa felt that they were a team and that they’ll keep supporting Eli together. She feels confident in the plan and will keep problem-solving. As a result, Eli has gotten a lot better at controlling his body when he’s frustrated.