Good job de-escalating a difficult situation. Certain approaches were especially helpful. Let’s discuss those now.
After you de-escalate, it’s important to “debrief”: help the child calm down, then help them find better ways to communicate. This can prevent behavior from escalating in the future. Think about what they were “saying” with their actions and how else they could express that. You need to figure out what works best for you, your class, and each individual student. When you’re debriefing, you can use all of the approaches we just discussed. And here’s another one:
Another helpful tool is creating a safe space or cozy corner to help children regulate themselves. This isn’t a “time out spot” for punishing students. It’s a space for students to have a safe, comforting and cozy space to think and calm down. Teach them how to use it before they need to.
You were able to help Eli calm down and rejoin the group. But sometimes even if you do everything right, behavior can still escalate.
Let’s imagine that when you offered Eli a choice between standing and scooting near you, Eli continued to be upset. He chose to go to the cozy corner while you finished the activity with the group. You made sure to give him a few minutes alone to calm himself down. Afterward, while the other children are at mini-activity stations, you go to check in with Eli at the cozy corner.
Each early childhood program has their own plans for handling challenging behavior. In this case, your goals are to check in with Eli, help him identify his feelings, and help him problem-solve for the future.
First, let’s look at an interaction that goes poorly. Jackie Torres will appear from time to time with observations and advice.
MS. KELLY: (to herself) Okay, looks like everyone is settled into their activity stations... Marcus is playing in the dress up corner, Sophia is working with blocks and Ms. Zoe is with a group of students at the coloring station.... Now is a good time to check in with Eli.
MS. KELLY: Okay, Eli, it’s been five minutes, are you ready to talk?
ELI: Okay.
MS. KELLY: Eli, please look at me when I’m talking to you.
ELI: (doesn’t respond)
MS. KELLY: I won’t know if you’re listening if you don’t look at me.
ELI: (shrugs)
ELI THOUGHT: Don’t wanna.
MS. KELLY: Eli, can you put down the ball so we can talk?
ELI: No! My ball.
COACH: Engaging with the ball seems to be important to Eli. You could consider talking to him about it.
MS. KELLY: A lot of stuff happened at Circle Time. How are you feeling now?
ELI: I... dunno.
MS. KELLY: Sometimes it’s hard to understand our feelings. But maybe we can take some time now and talk together. How does that sound?
ELI: Okay.
ELI: I just wanted to see the book and I couldn’t see and I said I can’t SEE to Marcus but he didn’t move and I didn’t mean to hurt him and it’s not fair.
MS. KELLY: When we’re angry, we only make things worse - you should be happy.
ELI: O... kay.
ELI THOUGHT: Angry is bad?
COACH: Telling Eli how he should feel doesn’t help him regulate his emotions. He also might associate being angry with being bad. Help him understand what a feeling feels like so he can learn how to manage it in the future.
MS. KELLY: Don’t be angry.
ELI: I didn’t get to see the whales!
MS. KELLY: Being angry doesn’t help -
ELI: (shakes the ball)
ELI THOUGHT: It’s no fair!
COACH: We do want to encourage students to feel positive emotions, but telling Eli to not be angry won’t help him not be angry. Try talking through his feelings with him.
MS. KELLY: Being angry doesn’t feel good, does it?
ELI: No. I don’t like it.
MS. KELLY: I don’t like feeling angry either - but being angry is okay. We just have to figure out what to do with our bodies when we’re angry so we don’t hurt ourselves or anyone else.
ELI: Okay.
COACH: You helped Eli work through his emotions.
MS. KELLY: Are you ready to talk about what happened?
ELI: Yeah.
MS. KELLY: You could have hurt Marcus.
ELI: But I didn’t mean it.
MS. KELLY: Even if you didn’t mean to, that’s what happened because you weren’t careful.
ELI: Just... wanted to see.
COACH: It’s true that Eli’s actions could have harmed Marcus, but Eli isn’t at a point where he fully understands that. Try helping him sort out his own feelings and connect them to the incident.
MS. KELLY: You’re not the only one in class, Eli. Lots of your friends wanted to see the book.
ELI: So?
MS. KELLY: So we have to remember and we have to share our space.
ELI: But it’s not fair.
COACH: While it’s important for Eli to understand the rules, lecturing him won’t help him know what to do next time. Try learning more about what Eli was feeling and help problem-solve for the future.
MS. KELLY: We don’t hurt our friends.
ELI: Marcus got in my way!
MS. KELLY: That doesn’t matter, you don’t hurt your friend, no matter what.
ELI: Didn’t even mean it…
COACH: While it’s important for Eli to understand the rules, lecturing him doesn’t help him know what to do next time. When children think you see them as bad, it makes them less interested in thinking about how to do better.
MS. KELLY: It’s good to be excited, and for our bodies to wanna wiggle, but when we’re around our friends, we need to make sure our bodies and our friends’ bodies stay safe. So let’s think together about other things we can do in those moments.
MS. KELLY: You’ve got to be more careful next time.
ELI: But it’s not fair!
MS. KELLY: It wasn’t very fair to Marcus, was it?
ELI: I...I...(shakes the ball)
COACH: While it’s important for Eli to be careful, lecturing him doesn’t help him know what to do next time. Try working together to help him come up with a plan.
MS. KELLY: When you’re excited, remember to stop and think.
ELI: I did.
MS. KELLY: You didn’t think -
ELI: No, but I did!
COACH: You’re making an assumption about Eli. Next time, try brainstorming with him.
MS. KELLY: What can you do if someone’s in your way?
ELI: Tell THEM “Move, now”!
MS. KELLY: That’s one way of saying it... but what if you said “Move, please” instead? Can you practice saying that?
ELI: Okay... Move, pleeeeeease.
MS. KELLY: Great job! It makes me feel good when you say please. Now, what happens if you ask very nicely and that person still doesn’t give you space?
ELI: Uhh...I move?
MS. KELLY: That’s a great idea, Eli. You can also raise your hand and me or Ms. Zoe will come help out. How does that sound?
ELI: Good.
COACH: By allowing Eli to come up with a plan, you helped him practice problem-solving. Now he feels more ready to manage his feelings in the future.
ELI: O... kay... but... can I look at the book now?
MS. KELLY: Not right now, it’s time to choose a new activity.
ELI: But I don’t wanna.
MS. KELLY: Come on, Eli.
ELI: No.
COACH: Telling Eli he can’t look at the book can make him think he’s being punished after you’ve already resolved the issue. This might discourage him from seeking out opportunities to learn.
COACH: Ms. Kelly said some things that made Eli feel like he was in trouble. This made him less comfortable sharing his feelings. As a result, Eli wanted to be left alone and did not rejoin the class. He continued to have a hard time controlling his body throughout the day.
Now let’s look at an interaction that goes well.
MS. KELLY: (to herself) Okay, looks like everyone is settled into their activity stations... Marcus is playing in the dress up corner, Sophia is working with blocks and Ms. Zoe is with a group of students at the coloring station... Now is a good time to check in with Eli.
MS. KELLY: Okay, Eli, it’s been five minutes, are you ready to talk?
ELI: Okay.
MS. KELLY: Hey Eli, let’s take a deep, deep breath.
ELI: I dunno.
MS. KELLY: We’ll do it together. We’ll take a big deep breath in and then let it all out. Okay? Good. Now breathe in... (breathe in) and let it all out like you’re blowing out your birthday candles.
ELI: (blows out air and laughs)
MS. KELLY: A lot of stuff happened at Circle Time. How are you feeling now?
ELI: I... dunno.
MS. KELLY: Sometimes it’s hard to understand our feelings. But maybe we can take some time now and talk together. How does that sound?
ELI: Okay.
ELI: I just wanted to see the book and I couldn’t see and I said I can’t SEE to Marcus but he didn’t move and I didn’t mean to hurt him and it’s not fair.
MS. KELLY: It sounds like you were excited about the ocean.
ELI: Yeah. The ocean is big! And whales are BIG! And I wanted to see, but Marcus was in the way and I didn’t like it.
COACH: Asking about Eli’s interest in the ocean is helping him feel comfortable talking with you.
MS. KELLY: How does your body feel when you feel excited?
ELI: I like to go like this! (shakes the ball)
MS. KELLY: Ooh, so all the excitement turns into wiggles in your body and all those wiggles just wanna explode out!
ELI: Yeah!
MS. KELLY: Because you were excited about the ocean, you were worried about not being able to see.
ELI: Yeah.
MS. KELLY: And what else happened?
ELI: Marcus didn’t move. I just wanted to see.
COACH: Asking about the incident in a neutral tone made Eli more eager to open up.
MS. KELLY: Are you ready to talk about what happened?
ELI: Yeah.
MS. KELLY: So, you wanted to make sure you could see everything.
ELI: Yeah.
MS. KELLY: Because learning about the ocean is very exciting.
ELI: Uh huh.
MS. KELLY: And because you got excited, your body got excited, too.
ELI: (nods)
COACH: You helped Eli connect his emotions to his physical state. You’ll be able to work with him to create a plan for the future.
MS. KELLY: What are our rules for being on the rug?
ELI: Uhhh...
MS. KELLY: Always make sure...
ELI: Make sure to have space. And to sit comfy.
MS. KELLY: Remember - the rules are there so we’re all safe.
ELI: Yeah.
MS. KELLY: So we’ve got to make sure our friends are safe - and that you’re safe, too.
ELI: (nods)
ELI: It’s good to be excited, and for our bodies to wanna wiggle, but when we’re around our friends, we need to make sure our bodies and our friends’ bodies stay safe. So let’s think together about other things we can do in those moments.
MS. KELLY: What can you do if someone’s in your way?
ELI: Tell THEM “Move, now”!
MS. KELLY: That’s one way of saying it... but what if you said “Move, please” instead? Can you practice saying that?
ELI: Okay... Move, pleeeeeease.
MS. KELLY: Great job! It makes me feel good when you say please. Now, what happens if you ask very nicely and that person still doesn’t give you space?
ELI: Uhh...I move?
MS. KELLY: That’s a great idea, Eli. You can also raise your hand and me or Ms. Zoe will come help out. How does that sound?
ELI: Good.
COACH: By allowing Eli to come up with a plan, you helped him practice problem-solving. Now he feels more ready to manage his feelings in the future.
MS. KELLY: Now, if someone is in your way, what will you say to them?
ELI: “Move, please”
MS. KELLY: One more time -
ELI: “Move, please”
ELI THOUGHT: I’m good at this.
COACH: Practicing helps instill patterns in children.
MS. KELLY: If you’re getting really excited or angry, maybe you can do some breathing.
ELI: (nods)
MS. KELLY: Let’s practice breathing together now. Breathe in...
ELI: (breathes in)
MS. KELLY: And breathe out out out like you’re blowing out your birthday candles!
ELI: (breathes out) I like breathing.
ELI: Can I look at the book now?
MS. KELLY: Where would you like to look at the book? You can look at the book here or on the rug with all the other books.
ELI: (thinking hard) I wanna look at the book... Here.
MS. KELLY: Okay, you can look at the book here in the cozy corner. And when you’re ready to pick a new activity, please bring the book back to the bookshelf.
ELI: Thank you!
COACH: Letting Eli think through a choice helps him understand what works best for him.
MS. KELLY: I’m glad we talked, Eli.
Ms. Kelly helped Eli debrief. She assured him he wasn’t in trouble and helped him feel comfortable sharing his feelings. This helped him focus on how to use the calming skills they discussed.
As a result, Eli rejoined the group. Later he got excited again, but he was able to regulate himself using the skills they talked about.