CASEY: It’s not easy to know how to step in and speak up when you hear hurtful statements or see mistreatment. But it’s important to do something. Next, you’ll hear Ms. Yazzie reach out to Zach, that student who got teased for his question in class. He’s really shy, but he’s really smart. Sometimes Ms. Yazzie gives him articles from science magazines that she thinks might interest him, and he stays after class to talk about them.
Lately though, he’s been off. He’s been absent a few times, and there are some homework assignments that he hasn’t turned in yet, which is weird because he’s usually really conscientious about his work.
It’s been a couple days since the incident in class, and Ms. Yazzie asked Zach to stop by her room after school.
First, let’s hear an interaction that goes poorly. At times, we will comment with observations and advice, and there will be times that you will get to hear what Zach is thinking.
MS YAZZIE: Thanks for coming in, Zach. I’ve been hoping we’d get a chance to talk.
ZACH: Yeah, um… What did you want to talk about?
MS. YAZZIE: You know, you’ve been acting a little out of it lately.
ZACH: What?
MS. YAZZIE: Well, you seem a little depressed.
ZACH: (defensively) I’m not depressed. I‘m going to get you the homework as soon as I can, okay?
CASEY: Instead of negatively labeling behavior as “out of it” or “depressed,” talk about specific, observable behaviors that cause you concern.
MS. YAZZIE: I just want to make sure you’re doing OK.
ZACH: Oh.
MS. YAZZIE: Are you doing OK?
ZACH: Um… sure.
DANI: If you want to start a conversation, ask open-ended questions. So, instead of “Are you okay?” which is easy to blow off with a simple “yes,” you could ask “What’s going on lately?” or even, “How are you feeling about what happened in class?”
MS. YAZZIE: I wanted to talk to you about what happened in class the other day. Jayda was saying that you’re gay?
ZACH: Why don’t they all just mind their own business? I hate it here.
ZACH’S THOUGHT: Why is she so interested anyway? Does she want more gossip for the teachers’ water cooler?
MS. YAZZIE: Maybe if you were friendlier to the other kids, smiled at them once in a while, you’d fit in more and they wouldn’t pick on you so much.
ZACH: It doesn’t matter what I do. They hate me! You don’t get it.
TYLER: Ms. Yazzie was trying to help Zach, but that sounded like criticism, like she was trying to change him. Instead, she should see if she can empathize with him and let him know she’s on his side.
MS. YAZZIE: Well maybe if you just told the other kids you’re not gay-
ZACH: That’s not gonna make… you don’t get it.
MS. YAZZIE: Well, if they thought you were straight, your life would be a lot easier around here. Think about it. If you acted a little tougher or fought back…
ZACH: OK. Great. I really have a lot of studying to do, So I’m going to go. OK?
TYLER: Zach and his perceived sexual orientation are not the issue here. The issue is how the other students are treating him. Ms. Yazzie could try to be more supportive of who he is.
MS. YAZZIE: Well, if you are gay, you should be out and proud!
ZACH: You think I’m gay, too?
MS. YAZZIE: No, I wasn’t necessarily saying that. But if you are, you need to speak up. Teach these kids a thing or two about tolerance.
ZACH: YOU teach them about tolerance! I don’t want to teach anyone anything!
TYLER: We don’t know if Zach’s gay, but in general when to come out and who to come out to is a very personal decision. Don’t ever pressure a student to come out before he or she is ready. Plus, even if someone is LGBTQ, it shouldn’t be their responsibility to be a spokesperson.
YAZZIE: Based on everything you’ve been telling me, I think you should find some time to talk to Ms. Lurie, the counselor.
ZACH: The counselor? I shouldn’t have said anything. Now you think my head’s all messed up.
CASEY: Seems like Zach’s feeling defensive because she gave him advice he didn’t ask for when he’s already feeling vulnerable. Instead of telling a student what they "should" or "should not" do, see if you can present the counselor as a resource they can use if they ever want to talk. Now let’s hear a conversation that goes well and notice the difference.