PIC 0: Anika appears on a classroom background.
ANIKA: Have you ever had the feeling that you’re saying everything you can to help your student feel comfortable and they still don’t share what’s bothering them? You could tell there was something on Cara’s mind, but she didn’t open up right away.
Even though Cara was hesitant, she came to me because she thinks of me as an adult she can trust.
She ended up talking to me about her friend Jake who was struggling with a problem and said some troubling things to her.
She was worried he might turn to violence.
There were probably a million things that went through Cara’s head before she came to talk to me.
PIC 1: An image of Cara appears on an abstract background. Next to Cara, a thought bubble appears with the following narration.
CARA: Jake’s just blowing off steam. It's not a big deal. He's not actually gonna do anything. And, I don’t want to get him in trouble. I’m not a snitch.
And, if I do tell someone and he finds out, he might never trust me again.
I mean, it's not like Jake said, “I’m going to bring a gun to school,” or “I’m going to kill myself, then they’ll regret it.”
So I could just talk to him right? But do you really always mean what you say, or say what you mean?
I just want to make sure my friend is okay.
PIC 2: Jake’s image appears in the thought bubble along with the last sentence: “I just want to make sure my friend is okay.”
PIC 3: Anika reappears on screen.
ANIKA: So how do we overcome these barriers to help our students know they can come to us? That we're here to help.
PIC 4: Next to Anika, the words “How can we help our Students” is displayed along with a large blue question mark icon on top.
Let’s be real, I have 117 students this year alone, and countless others I’ve taught or supervised.
So, I work to build up trust in small ways, day by day in my classroom.
PIC 5: The words go away as the screen zooms in on Anika.
Making myself available, acknowledging my students’ successes, letting them know they can talk to me, and that I'll listen and take their concerns seriously.
I’d like to think that’s why Cara came to me.
PIC 6: Cara reappears in an abstract background. Next to Cara, a thought bubble appears with the following narration.
CARA: I need to do the right thing to keep us all safe. Jake is in a bad place and needs someone to talk to. Someone more than just me. I think Ms. Powers can help.
PIC 7: Anika reappears on screen.
ANIKA: When students come to me to talk about their struggles or those of their peers, I try to remember to ask open ended questions to encourage sharing, summarize what they're saying to show I’m listening and that I fully understand what they’re telling me, and show empathy for what they're going through.
PIC 8: Next to Anika, the words “Ask Open Ended Questions” is displayed and represented by an icon of a speech bubble with a question mark inside. Below that is the word “Summarize,” represented by an icon of a speech bubble with a bulleted list within. Finally, below that are the words “Show Empathy,” represented by an icon of a small heart within a larger heart.
I don’t know about you but most of the time, when I ask questions that can be answered in one word, I'm lucky if I get a “yes,” “no,” “maybe.” I usually end up with that all too familiar grunt.
So I try to ask open ended questions. The ones that encourage sharing.
PIC 9: The list fades except for the first entry “Ask Open Ended Questions.”
PIC 10: A fullscreen collection of instructions and examples is displayed. Each example is encapsulated by a green speech bubble.
Here are some questions I've found helpful. Take a minute and jot down the ones you'd like to use with your students this week.
Laying the foundation of open communication:
PIC 11: Another fullscreen collection of instructions and examples appears. This time, each example is encapsulated by a blue speech bubble.
Helping students open up about stressors:
PIC 12: Anika reappears on screen.
ANIKA: Just be careful when you’re having those one on one moments you don’t throw question after question after question and turn it into an interrogation.
I've also had those moments when students give me that evil glare of 'you just don't get it.'
PIC 13: The list fades except for the second entry “Summarize.”
So I remind myself to take a moment and summarize what they've been saying. It helps show that I'm listening and that I understand.
I know one of hardest things for me is to make sure my summaries don’t minimize their experiences or place blame.
No surprise, I’ve found that students don’t like sharing if you’re giving them a lecture.
Let’s take a look at a few examples of summaries.
PIC 14: A full screen scenario is displayed in a blue background.
Scenario: Reid
Lisa came to me worried about her classmate Reid. Reid’s sister was recently convicted of armed robbery and his classmates have been teasing him about it, saying things to him like, “You gonna rob me too? I'm soooo scared.” and laughing as they walk away. Before his sister went to jail, she gave Reid a butterfly knife to defend himself, and he’s been learning knife tricks.
Let’s see a couple ways to summarize this.
PIC 15: In the next screen, two thumbnails are shown, one representing Mr. Frank and the other Lisa. Their captions are encapsulated in green and blue speech bubbles.
FRANK: “You said Reid has a knife, but hasn’t threatened anyone with it, or used it.”
LISA: “Oh okay, I guess then I shouldn’t worry about it.”
This summary minimized Lisa's concern. That could mean Reid doesn't get the support he needs. It also discourages her from raising concerns in the future.
PIC 16: In the next screen, the same two thumbnails can be seen but with a different summary example.
FRANK: “You said Reid has a knife. He shouldn’t have one, that’s against the rules and really dangerous.”
LISA: “I’m not trying to get Reid in trouble, I’m just worried about him. Forget it.”
This summary focused more on rule breaking than support. If Lisa feels that Mr. Frank only wants to get Reid in trouble, she’ll be unlikely to raise concerns in the future because she doesn’t want to feel like a snitch.
PIC 17: In the next screen, the same two thumbnails can be seen but features the last summary example.
FRANK: “Sounds like Reid is going through a hard time with his family and at school, and I can see why you’re concerned about him having a knife.”
LISA: “Oh man, okay, you get it. I’m not trying to get Reid in trouble, but I want to help him, and I’m worried.”
Lisa will probably continue to raise her concerns to a trusted adult, because she feels heard. When students feel like you understand and empathize, they’ll continue to open up about warning signs they see.
PIC 18: Cara reappears on screen.
Teenagers face a lot of stressors between school, home, and social relationships, just to name a few. So, it’s important to let students know we get where they’re coming from by displaying empathy.
PIC 19: The list fades except for the last entry “Show Empathy.”
We show empathy by acknowledging their thoughts, feelings, or experiences.
When we model empathy, we show we care about everyone in the school and expect students to do the same. That helps students open their eyes and ears to others, including those who are struggling emotionally.
PIC 20: The words “We Care” is shown next to Cara, and an icon of two holding hands resembling a heart is displayed on top.
Leading to moments when your students come to you with problems or concerns.
Statements that minimize your student’s experiences like, “everyone gets stressed from time to time,” “high school is hard for everyone,” are not empathetic.
Avoid generalizations that are dismissive of students’ feelings and concerns.
PIC 21: The words cut away and the screen zooms in on Anika.
See if you can find the most effective ways to show empathy in this example.
PIC 22: Another full screen scenario is displayed in a blue background.
Scenario: Diana
Your student, Diana, came to you and told you about her friend Emily. Emily is usually a chill, friendly person. But, Emily was devastated when she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her and all of her friends knew. She flipped out on them for not telling her, and has stopped hanging out with everyone.
Let’s see a couple of ways to show empathy.
PIC 23: The next screen shows a thumbnail of Mr. Frank with his captions encapsulated in a green speech bubble.
FRANK: “I know Emily is going through a lot, but she probably just needs some space to regroup.”
It's easy sometimes to minimize a student's concern as a quick attempt to ease their worry over a situation. But Diana needs us to acknowledge her worry and show we’re there to help both of them. This is one way we do our daily part in fostering safe and caring school environments.
PIC 24: The next screen shows the same thumbnail, but with another empathy example.
FRANK: “I can see you’re really worried about Emily. This isn’t like her at all.”
This answer acknowledged Diana’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This made her feel safe and heard.
PIC 25: The next screen also shows the same thumbnail, but with another empathy example.
FRANK: “It sounds like Emily is really overreacting, but how would you feel if your boyfriend cheated on you?”
You want to make sure not to sound like you’re judging Emily’s reaction. This can make Diana feel like you’re dismissing her concerns and her feelings are wrong, or not okay.
PIC 26: The next screen also shows the same thumbnail, but with one final empathy example.
FRANK: “Is this Emily’s first boyfriend? How has Emily reacted to relationship problems in the past? Have you talked to her about her reactions before this?”
You’re trying to get more background about Emily so you can understand more about what she’s going through. But asking too many questions in a row feels like an interrogation, and puts pressure on Diana to tell.
PIC 27: Anika reappears on screen.
ANIKA: You want to reassure students that when they let you know what’s going on, you can help get the support needed to prevent things from getting worse.
Thinking back to the conversation I had with Cara, getting Cara through the door took that foundation of trust I built up in my classroom.
But it was hard to know what to do and what to say.
Here’s your chance to practice, picking up where we left off with Cara before.
Try your best to encourage her to open up and show you’re there to support her. Finding out what’s upsetting her could be important to school safety, but we don’t want to damage the culture of open communication we’ve worked so hard to build.
PIC 28: Cara’s image is displayed on a light blue background. The header “Your Goals” is flanked by two speech bubble icons. A list generates below:
So try asking those open ended questions, summarizing what she shares, and empathizing with her feelings and experiences.