PIC 0: Priya appears in her living room background.
PRIYA: You tried to lighten the mood and find out what’s going on, but it didn’t seem to help Cara open up.
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re saying everything you can to help your child feel comfortable and they still don’t share what’s on their mind? You can tell there’s something bothering Cara, but she didn’t open up right away.
Even though Cara was hesitant to talk at first, she ended up talking to me about her friend Jake who was struggling and said some things that had her worried he might turn to violence.
PIC 1: Next to Priya, an image of Cara is displayed with the captions: “Cara was hesitant to talk and open up.”
There were probably a million things that were going through Cara’s head before we talked.
PIC 2: An image of Cara shows up in a blue gray background. A thought bubble appears besides her with the following narration.
CARA: Jake’s just blowing off steam. It's not a big deal. He's not actually gonna do anything. And, I don’t want to get him in trouble. I’m not a snitch.
And if I do tell someone and he finds out, he might never trust me again.
I mean, it's not like Jake said, “I’m going to bring a gun to school,” or “I’m going to kill myself, then they’ll regret it.”
So I could just talk to him right? But do you really always mean what you say, or say what you mean?
PIC 3: An image of Jake appears within Cara’s thought bubble.
I just want to make sure my friend is okay.
PIC 4: Anika reappears on screen. Next to her are the words “How do we help?” with an icon of two holding hands resembling a heart.
So how do we overcome these barriers to help our children know they can come to us? That we're here to help?
A few years back, a friend who’s a counselor gave me some great advice.
When Cara comes to me to talk about her struggles or those of her peers, I try to remember to ask open ended questions to encourage sharing and show empathy for what she’s going through.
PIC 5: The words change to “Ask open ended questions” (associated with an icon of an exclamation mark inside a speech bubble) and “Show empathy” (associated with an icon of a small heart inside a larger heart).
I don’t know about you but most of the time, when I ask questions that can be answered in one word, I'm lucky if I get a “yes,” “no,” “maybe.” I usually end up with that all too familiar grunt.
So I try to ask open ended questions. The ones that encourage sharing.
Just be careful you don’t throw question after question after question and turn it into an interrogation.
Let’s look at some helpful questions to encourage conversation:
PIC 6: A list of open ended question examples are shown in a full screen grey background. The header “Open Ended Questions” has the icon of a question mark inside a speech bubble. Each example is encapsulated by it’s own blue speech bubble.
Open Ended Questions
PIC 7: Priya reappears on screen. The words “Ask open ended questions” is faded out, while “Show empathy” is displayed.
By showing empathy we’re acknowledging their thoughts, feelings, or experiences. Teenagers face a lot of stressors, so it’s important to let them know you’re listening. Empathy helps us to build trust and demonstrate understanding.
When we model empathy, we show we care and teach our children to do the same. That encourages them to connect with others, and become aware if someone is struggling emotionally.
PIC 8: The words change to “Show you care.” The “o” in “you” has a heart symbol inside.
Statements that minimize your child’s experiences with generalizations like, “everyone gets stressed from time to time,” and “high school is hard for everyone” are not empathetic.
Avoid generalizations that are dismissive of feelings and concerns.
See if you can find the most effective ways to show empathy in this example.
PIC 9: A fullscreen blue background appears with the following scenario text.
Scenario: Diana
Your daughter, Diana, came to you and told you about her friend Emily. Emily is usually an easy going, friendly person. But, Emily was devastated when she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her and all of her friends knew. She flipped out on them for not telling her, and has stopped hanging out with everyone.
PIC 10: A thumbnail of a parent (represented by Priya’s face) can be seen with a green speech bubble.
PARENT: “I know Emily is going through a lot, but she probably just needs some space to regroup.”
PRIYA: It’s easy for us to minimize our teen’s concerns. But Diana needs us to acknowledge her worry and show we’re there to help both of them.
PIC 11: Next to the parent thumbnail, the caption within the green speech bubble changes to the next example.
PARENT: “I can see you’re really worried about Emily.”
PRIYA: This answer acknowledges Diana’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This makes her feel understood.
PIC 12: Next to the parent thumbnail, the caption within the green speech bubble changes to the next example.
PARENT: “It sounds like Emily is overreacting.”
PRIYA: You need to make sure not to sound like you’re judging Emily’s reaction by saying she’s overreacting. While this might be empathetic to Diana, it isn’t empathetic to Emily.
PIC 13: Next to the parent thumbnail, the caption within the green speech bubble changes to the last example.
PARENT: “Is this Emily’s first boyfriend? How has Emily reacted to relationship problems in the past? Have you talked to her about her reactions before this?”
PRIYA: You’re trying to get more background about Emily so you can understand more about what she’s going through. But asking too many questions in a row feels like an interrogation, and puts pressure on Diana to tell.
PIC 14: Priya reappears on screen.
It’s okay to not always know the right thing to say, just try your best to help your teen open up about what’s going on. Now you’re going to get a chance to navigate this difficult situation, playing as me talking to Cara.
You can use the techniques I talked about to help Cara open up about what she heard. Ask those open ended questions, and show empathy to demonstrate that we get it. Good luck!
PIC 15: An image of Cara appears on a blue grey background. The header “Your Goals” has an icon of two speech bubbles associated with it and a bulleted list beneath.
Your Goals:
CARA: I'm sorry, I'm probably just paranoid or something. Don't even worry about it.
PRIYA: Honey, did you do something wrong? Like we've talked about, I'd rather you tell me if you're in trouble.
CARA: No, mom. I didn't do anything.
PRIYA: Okay. Good. Then what's going on?
CARA: Well, (frustrated sigh, overwhelmed) My friend Jake is kinda freaking me out.
COACH: You asked Cara if she did something wrong before having all the information. If you say you're interested in talking without accusing your child of being in trouble, they will be more likely to open up when something is really bothering them.
PRIYA: I'm sorry to hear Jake had a bad day, but that's normal sometimes, you know? He'll probably feel better by tomorrow.
CARA: I don't know, he was pretty upset. His phone got broken this morning.
COACH: You tried to make Cara feel better by normalizing that people sometimes have bad days but missed the opportunity to acknowledge her feelings and empathize with her.
PRIYA: Jake can probably get a new phone, right?
CARA: No, he can't just, phones are expensive, and Jake's family doesn't have a lot of money.
PRIYA: Mm, gotcha.
CARA: And also like, Jake didn't break it himself, Jake's "friend" Wyatt was messing with him.
COACH: You tried to put Cara at ease by suggesting Jake could get a new phone. It's important to acknowledge how someone is feeling rather than simply trying to relieve them of it, especially when they are concerned about something.
PRIYA: It sounds like it might have been an accident. If it was on purpose, I feel like Jake would have told someone.
CARA: (shakes head) That's not how Jake saw it. And I don't think he told anyone because, I don't know. I think he wants to handle it.
PRIYA: What do you think Jake meant?
COACH: You focused on how it could have been an accident instead of acknowledging how Jake must have been feeling. You missed an opportunity to support Cara and for her to feel understood and that she was doing the right thing.
CARA: (nervous) I really don't want to get Jake in trouble, he hasn't done anything wrong, but I think he might be planning something intense.
PRIYA: Jake probably wasn't serious, he doesn't seem like the kind of person who would hurt anyone.
CARA: Yeah, that's what I thought too. But after talking with him, I dunno.
PRIYA: You think he meant it?
CARA: (nervous) Maybe.
COACH: You minimized Cara's feelings by saying you didn't think Jake capable of violence. Relying on your knowledge of one of your child's peers can be tempting but judging what they're capable of can be flawed. It's important to have a clear protocol and know when to share information with a counselor or administrator.
CARA: So what should I do?
PRIYA: Don't worry about it any more. I'll deal with it.
COACH: You told Cara not to worry, and that it wasn't her responsibility anymore which caused her to be confused and nervous about what would happen next. It would be better to involve Cara in the decision about how to handle this.
CARA: (frustrated) How am I supposed to stay calm? You're being all weird about what you're gonna do.
PRIYA: Easy, okay? Getting upset doesn't help anyone.
CARA: (almost panicked) I know, but I can't just,. I'm really worried about Jake, and now you're saying you're gonna tell some people.
PRIYA: Cara, it's okay. I'm gonna handle it.
CARA: (sigh)
CARA: Can we just drop it now? Talk about something else?
PRIYA: Sure thing.
CARA: I'm sorry, I'm probably just paranoid or something. Don't even worry about it.
PRIYA: Well, why don't you start by telling me whatever you're comfortable sharing? And we'll go from there, together.
CARA: Insert groan here.
PRIYA: (laughs) I'm serious, even if it sounds cheesy. When I was younger there were times when I wished I had someone to talk to, and I'm here for you. If you want.
CARA: Uh huh. I mean. (cleansing breath)
COACH: You asked Cara to share what was going on and she opened up to you. Children need parents and caregivers they can receive adult support from. They'll be more likely to open up when something is bothering them when you consistently demonstrate that you're interested and available to talk.
CARA: Well, you know my friend Jake? I'm worried about him. I just talked to him, and he was like, super upset about some stuff that went down today. He was kinda freaking me out.
PRIYA: Thanks for telling me. I'm sorry to hear about Jake. You're a good friend so I understand why this is bothering you. I can tell you're upset about this.
CARA: Yeah, it was so weird, like not at all like him. I guess I sort of get it? Someone, I mean, his phone got broken this morning.
COACH: You sympathized with Jake's feelings and empathized with Cara's worries, reinforcing she was right to come to you. Modeling caring behavior shows your child they can share problems and you'll help them. This fosters a safe environment by directing appropriate resources to young people who need them.
PRIYA: I'd like to understand a little more about why you think Jake is feeling upset.
CARA: I don't know how it started, but I'm not sure if you know Wyatt in our grade?
PRIYA: (shrug) Not that well.
CARA: Like, last year, he and Jake used to be friends, but I guess something went down. Anyway, now Wyatt won't leave Jake alone.
PRIYA: (nods) Mm hm. What do you mean, "Wyatt won't leave Jake alone?" What's going on?
CARA: (shrug) I wasn't there, but this morning, Wyatt grabbed Jake's phone and was messing with it and the screen got cracked or something.
COACH: By asking open ended questions you are encouraging Cara to share more about how things have been between Wyatt and Jake, what's going on between them now, and why Cara is so concerned.
PRIYA: Wow, I see why Jake would be so upset if Wyatt broke his phone.
CARA: Yeah see, I was telling him you'd get it if he came to talk to you, but he didn't want to listen to me. He wants to deal with it himself.
PRIYA: "Deal with it himself" how?
COACH: You sympathized with Jake's feelings of being upset about his phone breaking and your questions and concern allowed Cara to share more about how her conversation with Jake went. Depending on the situation, you can also offer to go talk to the child of concern yourself.
CARA: (scared) I really don't know what he's planning to do to get back at Wyatt. Like, I feel like he might be planning to, I don't even know, something intense.
PRIYA: Tell me more about what you mean when you say Jake's planning something intense.
CARA: I'm not sure. When I talked to Jake, it was like, I think he wants to get back at Wyatt. Like really do something to him. (beat) Something bad.
PRIYA: What do you think Jake's planning to do?
CARA: I don't know. Hurt him maybe. Not sure how, he didn't say anything specific really.
PRIYA: (nods) Okay. I'm glad you told me, that's the right thing to do when you're worried about someone's safety.
COACH: You asked Cara to elaborate about her use of the world "intense" to get a better understanding of what she felt like Jake was planning to do. Cara told you she thought Jake was planning to hurt Wyatt and you reinforced her for telling an adult.
CARA: So what should I do?
PRIYA: Based on everything you've said, I'm concerned for Jake too. So I think we should talk to a staff person at the school who can help so they can get him the support he needs. Would you like to do that together, or would you rather me reach out?
CARA: I mean if you're cool with it, I think I'd rather you talk to them. But like, let me know if you need me to say anything about how Wyatt was bothering Jake or whatever.
PRIYA: Alright, that's good to know. I'll keep you in the loop about what happens.
CARA: Thanks. I'm feeling a little better.
PRIYA: Of course. This allows both of us to do our part in helping someone and keeping everybody safe.
CARA: Right. Yeah.
PRIYA: You did the right thing by trusting your instincts and telling me.
PRIYA: And you're brave for coming forward and being concerned for Jake even when it doesn't involve you directly.
CARA: Yeah?
PRIYA: Yeah. I'm glad you feel like you can talk to me about stuff like this. Sounds like Jake is having a hard time dealing with something, and now that you've told me I think we can get him some help.
CARA: Thanks. Today's been so weird. Think we could grab a "Quick Coffee" on the way home?"
PRIYA: Definitely. I think I could use one too.