Module 3: Jay's Story
JAY: When Matt says he’s bisexual, he’s talking about his sexual orientation: who he’s attracted to. My experience on campus is a bit different, because I’m transgender—my gender identity is different than the sex I was assigned at birth. Think of it this way: When a baby’s born, the doctor declares the baby’s sex. There are generally two options, male or female. But gender is different from biology, it’s about how we think and feel.
KALLIE: There’s a lot of diversity in how people identify. In fact, many people believe that gender and sexuality vary across different spectra.
JAY: This is a subject that makes some people uncomfortable, and for others, raises a lot of questions.
MATT: Obviously, it’s important to us that people understand this topic better. First, because Jay’s our friend and we want people to treat him with respect. But also, because data show that more than a third of all transgender students, faculty, and staff fear for their physical safety on campus and have seriously considered leaving their institution due to the challenging climate.
JAY: So there’s a lot of transphobia out there – fear or hatred of transgender people. Which I think—I hope—just comes from a lack of understanding. So, although I can’t speak for other people’s experiences, for the next few minutes I’m happy to share my story.
MATT: Here are some common questions I’ve heard people ask Jay about his trans identity. Some show respectful curiosity, and some feel a little more invasive.
Is it awkward when people ask you questions about being trans?
JAY: (Jay laughs) Sometimes. I’m not always comfortable talking about being trans. Sometimes I have to, like at the beginning of every semester, I have to ask professors to call me Jay and to use male pronouns when they refer to me, because I’m listed as my birth name on the roster. But, like, when I’m flashing my ID card to get into the student center, I just pray the security guard won’t see the name and start asking questions.
I guess I’d say, in general, if you’re not sure if a trans person would be cool fielding questions, don’t be afraid to say something like, “Hey, is it OK with you if I ask you about your identity?” If that person knows you’re coming from a respectful place, they’ll be more likely to share.
What pronouns do you prefer?
JAY: Good question. I’m male, so please refer to me as “he” or “him.” There are alternate pronouns out there for different identities, and some people don’t prefer any pronouns. It may feel awkward or silly to you at first, but using a person’s desired pronouns is hugely important to making them feel respected. Ask which pronouns they prefer and in which contexts you should use them, because there may be some times when they don’t feel safe expressing their trans identity.
Do you feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body?
JAY: So, this isn’t usually an appropriate question to ask someone, but it is a common misunderstanding. Personally, I’m comfortable in my body; it’s just one part of my identity. Some transgender people do take steps like hormone therapy or surgery to bring their bodies in line with their gender identity.
MATT: I’ve also heard you say that when people express their gender through the clothes they wear, they’re not doing drag or cross-dressing. They’re just… wearing their clothes.
Because you’re transgender, are you gay?
JAY: Nope. My gender identity has nothing to do with who I’m attracted to.
KALLIE: We know trans people who identify as gay, straight, or queer… it’s best not to make any assumptions.
Have you transitioned to a man yet, or are you still a woman?
JAY: So, this typically isn’t something to ask a trans person, just like you wouldn’t typically ask a person for their medical history. But I will say this: I’m not “still a woman” because I never was a woman. I was always a man, even before I understood my identity.
How and when did you know you were transgender?
JAY: Well, how did you know that you were male or female? It’s not because of how you choose to dress or your hobbies, right? It comes from your internal sense of yourself, and it’s something I’ve always known, even before I had the language and information to understand it.
In high school I was on student council, I did sports, I ran track, I threw the javelin (laughs), I went to the prom… on the outside, I acted like everyone else, but I always felt like something didn’t fit; something was missing. When I started to understand I’m transgender…
I’m from a pretty traditional community so, you know, there was definitely the possibility that if I came out as trans, something bad could happen. So I waited until college for a fresh start, and—and I’ve met some pretty cool people here who accept me for who I really am, as cliché as that sounds.
MATT: Thanks for sharing that.
JAY: Hopefully my answers were helpful. You know, not everyone knows what’s appropriate to ask and what questions are a little more uncomfortable. The other day, for example, I was in the ID center at the registrar’s office, trying to get my name changed on my ID….
JAY: …It was clear that the staff member, Ms. Frank, was a little shocked when I told her I was trans. In the end, she told me it was school policy to use my legal name on my ID.
MS. FRANK: I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.
JAY: But actually, there were things she could have said and done to make me feel more supported. Like, she could have referred me to a person or office that specializes in LGBTQ issues. If she didn’t know where to refer me, maybe she could have asked her supervisor.
MATT: So, now let’s go back in time and you can experience the perspective of the staff member in this conversation. At times, you’ll hear me comment on the conversation.