Page 6

Number three: don’t criticize. No one likes to be criticized. It won’t make your friend want to keep talking to you. Instead, stick to the facts and keep it neutral. Here are examples of how to use neutral words and facts instead of criticizing.

• Instead of saying, “You were mean to Robby,” say, “You raised your voice a little at Robby.”
• Instead of saying, “You’re never around,” say, “You didn’t come out last Friday.”
• Instead of saying, “You’re acting crazy,” say, “You seem like you’re stressed.”

Here’s an example of how criticizing could be interpreted by a friend:

YOU: Sounds like you’re stressing way too much.
YOUR FRIEND: You would too if you lived in a house where people were throwing stuff and screaming at each other! I can’t remember the last time it was quiet in my house.

Telling your friend that they have been “stressing too much” makes it sound like you are judging them. And even if you’re not trying to criticize, it’s also easy to say something that sounds like your labeling.

YOU: You seem like you might be depressed.
YOUR FRIEND: Saying that is really not helping me right now.
YOU: I mean, you’re really tired, and you’re talking about how your life sucks. I’m just worried about you.

Even if your friend doesn’t argue back, this may shut them down from sharing more with you. Here’s an example of bringing your concerns without criticizing:

YOU: I've been noticing some of your posts online with the song lyrics.
YOUR FRIEND: Yeah, I’ve really been getting into this band “River of Tears”.
YOU: I like them too. But the lyrics you post are really sad.
YOUR FRIEND: Well, that’s just how I’ve been feeling, you know? Like, my life kind of sucks.

In this example you brought up what you noticed in a non-judgmental way by sticking to the facts of what you’ve seen.