JACKIE: Imagine a student who gets really nervous before big tests or projects. Even though she usually earns high grades, she comes to the teacher repeatedly with questions before and during tests.The teacher is concerned about her, and maybe a little frustrated. He might want to say something like: “You always panic about our tests. You need to calm down.” But that would probably upset her and not lead to lasting change.
When we’re concerned that someone may be in psychological distress, how can we bring up those concerns in a way that minimizes hurt feelings and defensiveness? I recommend the EASING process:
The first step to easing into a productive conversation about sensitive issues is to check your emotions and the other person’s. Pick a time when you’ll both be calm and when you can talk without interruption. Next, if you want to discuss something sensitive—like a student’s emotions about tests—it sets a respectful tone if you ask permission first.
For example, you could say to the student: “I’d like to talk about how you feel about our tests. Would that be okay?”
You certainly don’t have to do this every time. But asking permission is a helpful way to start some conversations. If the person says no, say it’s important to you and ask when would be a better time.
The last four steps of EASING help us find the right words to talk about our concerns. Let’s look at the original statement the teacher made--“You always panic about our tests. You need to calm down.”-- and modify it, step-by-step.
“S” stands for “being specific.” Words like “always” and “never” are exaggerations, so they tend to provoke a defensive response. If you say to the student: “You always panic about our tests. You need to calm down,” you’ll likely get a response like: “I don’t always panic!” Before the conversation, think of specific examples, so you won’t be tempted to exaggerate or speak in generalities. Let’s change the original statement to “You panicked about the last test. You were so nervous when you handed it in.”
“I” stands for “I” statements. Before talking to the person, you don’t know how they think or feel. “I” statements—those with phrases like “I think,” “I feel,” or “it seems like”—focus on your perception of the behavior, so they’re less likely to make the other person defensive.“I” statements also remind us to stick the facts. Ask yourself what you actually observed rather than making assumptions about the person’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions. If you say something like: “You panicked about the last test. You were so nervous when you handed it in.” You are assuming how they think or feel. So, let’s now change the sentence to “It seemed like you panicked about the last test. I thought you looked nervous when you handed it in because your hand was shaking.”
“N” is for keeping it neutral. Your body language and tone of voice should be neutral, and your words should be, too. Negative labels like “panic” or even “nervous” can hurt the other person’s feelings and make them defensive. You can convey the same idea using softer terms, like “a little stressed,” or “worried” and get a much more productive response. Now, let’s change the sentence to “It seemed like you were a little stressed about the last test. I thought you looked worried when you handed it in because I saw your hand shaking.”
The last step is “G”: having genuine curiosity about why the behavior is happening. Sometimes we feel like we have all the answers; it seems obvious why a person is acting the way they are. But we often don’t have all the information. So, once you bring up your concerns, ask the person to talk about what’s going on. For example, add the question “How have you been feeling about our tests?” to the end of your new statement of EASING. Then you might yield a response from your student, like: “I’m stressed. My parents really want me to bring up my grades.”
Look at the difference between where we started and where we ended up. Our original statement was “You always panic about our tests. You need to calm down.” By using using the EASING process, we changed it to “It seemed like you were a little upset about the last test. I thought you looked worried when you handed it in because I saw your hand shaking. How have you been feeling about our tests?” Now the teacher has eased his way into a conversation that, hopefully, will have a positive impact on the student’s emotional health and on his classroom.
Let’s look at another example. Sam, a fourth grader, often picks fights at school. His teacher might want to say, “You’re always fighting with your classmates. I don’t want to hear any more outbursts.” Sometimes you want to be direct in disciplining students who break class rules. But suppose you want to talk with this student to better understand his behavior and help him understand why this behavior was unacceptable. Let’s see how we could rephrase , “You’re always fighting with your classmates. I don’t want to hear any more outbursts,” while focusing on the last four parts of the EASING process.
Let’s focus on a specific incident, instead of generalizing. You might say: “You were really angry at Ryan today. You were screaming at him in class. I don’t want to hear any more outbursts.”
Now let’s use I statements and focus on your own observations. You don’t know if he was “really angry.” All you know is that he seemed that way. What did you see that made you think that? “It seemed like you were really angry at Ryan today. You were shaking your head and screaming that he doesn’t get it. I don’t want to hear any more outbursts.”
Let’s use neutral language. He might deny being “angry” and “screaming.” Are there more neutral terms you can use? Let’s try: “It seemed like you really disagreed with Ryan today. You were shaking your head and telling him he doesn’t get it. I don’t want to hear any more outbursts.”
Finally, let’s show genuine curiosity by asking for more information, instead of immediately moving to discipline, by saying: “It seemed like you really disagreed with Ryan today. You were shaking your head and telling him he doesn’t get it. What happened?”
Now, try one more. Maura, a kindergartener, cries almost every morning when her mother drops her off. The teacher may want to say to the mom, “Your daughter has tantrums every morning. She cries and really disrupts the class.” Let’s see how we could rephrase this statement, focusing on the last four parts of the EASING process.
First, let’s get specific.
You might want to say: “Maura has tantrums in the morning. For example, this morning she screamed for 30 minutes and didn’t want me to help her. It really disrupted the class.”
Now let’s use I statements and focus on what you actually observed. What did you see and hear that made you think Maura didn’t want your help?
Let’s change your statement to: “Marua seems to have tantrums in the morning. For example, this morning she screamed for 30 minutes, and when I tried to console her she said she wanted her mom. It really disrupted the class.”
Let’s use neutral language and remember there’s no benefit to exaggeration. Is it always a tantrum? Is she always screaming? And is it always “really disruptive” to the class?
Try saying: “Maura seems upset in the morning. For example, this morning she cried for 30 minutes, and when I tried to console her she said she wanted her mom. It sometimes disrupts the other children from their activities.”
Finally, let’s show genuine curiosity by asking for more information, instead of immediately moving to discipline.
Let’s say: “Maura seems upset in the morning. For example, this morning she cried for 30 minutes, and when I tried to console her she said she wanted her mom. It sometimes disrupts the other children from their activities. How do you think we can make her more comfortable in the mornings?”
Remember, EASING into a sensitive conversation does not mean giving up your authority or “dancing around” the topic. Quite the opposite! Checking your emotions, asking permission, being specific, using “I” statements, keeping it neutral, and showing genuine curiosity just means you’re bringing up your concerns in a way that will promote comfort and discussion and lead to a more successful outcome.