Module 4: Hector
NATE: Hector is a great guy. He’s a senior E.O.D. tech, so he’s crazy-smart.
Though last week, he seemed kinda zoned out. He was forgetting assignments, missing classes, not talking, staring off into space. I sat with him at lunch a couple times and he would stare at his food, not eating.
And this week I haven’t seen him at all, and neither have his other friends. I even asked some of his profs, and he hasn’t been in class. It’s weird, because he’s been doing really well in school and he’s excited to get a business degree and do something different… says he can’t stand to look at colored wires anymore.
We go running three times a week, but the last couple of weeks, he’s been a no-show. And his only excuse was a text saying that he didn’t feel good. It struck me as odd… ‘cause he always runs, no matter what.
Question:
Which of the following should you be concerned about?
- A senior E.O.D. tech
- Recent trouble concentrating
- Loss of appetite
- Sudden isolation
- Stopped going to class
- Does very well in school
- Can’t stand his job
- Goes running three times a week
- Didn’t feel well and backed out of runs
None of these are patterns of negative behavior. Hector’s troubles all seem to be recent.
“Recent trouble concentrating,” “Stopped going to class,” “Loss of appetite,” and “Sudden isolation.” are a lot of significant changes in behavior. When people suddenly lose interest in things they used to enjoy, or when their performance takes a dive, that should be a red flag. Eating problems and sudden isolation can also be signs that something is going on.
“Didn’t feel well and backed out of runs.” It’s unusual for Hector to back out of a run. Given his recent behavior, could it be serious? What does your gut say?
What could keep Hector holed up in his apartment for so long? My gut tells me that it’s more than just a Scooby-Doo marathon… I’ve been meaning to return some movies to him anyway, so I can check on him when I drop by.
Conversation Goal
- Help Hector through whatever is going on.
Example of a Weak Conversation that Does Not Achieve the Goals
NATE: Hey, thanks for loaning me those kung-fu movies. Nothing like a badly-dubbed, cheesy fight scene to take my mind off midterms.
HECTOR: (weak laugh) Eh, I guess.
NATE: Hey, hold up. You’re not gonna defend your goofy old movies?
HECTOR: Whatever, man. I know they’re cheesy. (pause) Look, I don’t really feel like hangin’ out… maybe later, okay?
NATE: No way. I haven’t seen you all week. What kind of friend would I be if I left without catching up?
Look, man. Cut the crap. It’s obvious something’s up with you. So what is it?
HECTOR: (pause) I’m just dealing with my own shit, okay? I don’t need to “talk about it.” So just… drop it.
PROGRESS UPDATE: It’s tempting to cut to the chase and demand to talk about whatever is happening. The downside is that it can turn the conversation into a confrontation. Let's see a different approach.
NATE: So, man... what’s new with you?
HECTOR: Ummm... nothin’.
NATE: Nothing?
HECTOR: Yup. Been pretty quiet around here.
HECTOR (thinking to himself): Just go, already… When are you gonna get the hint?
NATE: Seems like you haven't been in class lately.
HECTOR: Oh. Yeah. I been, umm... I’ve been taking a little break, is all. You know. Just need a little “me” time.
NATE: Yeah, well, I gotta tell you--your “you time” is getting out of hand. I mean, you’re wasting time, just sitting here. It’s time to wake up, stop spinning your wheels.
HECTOR: (shrugs) Whatever, man. I’m wasting time no matter where I am.
HECTOR (thinking to himself): The last thing I need is you giving me shit. Maybe if I pretend everything is okay, you’ll get off my back.
NATE: So how are you keeping up with school, if you’re not in class?
HECTOR: I’m, umm... I’m not. My grades are okay this semester... they can take the hit. I just... need to check out for a while.
NATE: Okay, that’s cool, but uh... why do you need to check out? I mean, what’s up?
HECTOR: Nothin’s “up”... there’s nothing serious. It’s just… personal stuff, y’know? Nothing to worry about.
NATE: Now, I know you don’t want me to worry. I get it. But what if I disappeared from classes, holed up in my apartment, and you came over and saw me surrounded by a bunch of empty beer cans? I mean, what would you think?
HECTOR: I... guess I would be worried.
NATE: Right. So let’s have it... what’s up?
HECTOR: You really want to hear it?
NATE: I do.
HECTOR: (sigh) Okay, well... this kinda comes up every year, but... a buddy of mine died around this time, four years ago. I don't know, it... hit me pretty hard this year. Maybe...
Well, someone on Facebook posted a picture of him on the anniversary. And I realized I was the one who took that picture. (shakes head) I dunno, that really got me. I know I’m bein’ pathetic, but… I just need some time. Alone.
NATE: Pathetic? I don't know… what’s pathetic is you sitting on your ass and failing out of school over something that happened years ago… something you can’t change. You gotta move on and do the best you can right now.
HECTOR: (shakes head) Whatever, man. School is… it doesn’t matter anymore. (pause) Look, it’s obvious you don’t get it, so why don’t you just get off my back.
PROGRESS UPDATE: Hector is probably at one of the lowest points of his life right now. The last thing he needs is criticism from a trusted friend, and this “tough love” approach made him shut down. Let's see a different approach.
NATE: I hear you, man... sometimes I need some alone time, too. But two weeks just seems like more than I’ve known you to take... I mean, how’s it going?
HECTOR: I don't know, man… I still feel like shit. (weak laugh)
NATE: Well if this isn’t working, then… maybe it’s time to try something new.
HECTOR: Like what?
NATE: Well, what would you think about counseling?
HECTOR: No way, man. I don’t want to go through all that… things suck enough already. I just… I just want to make it stop.
NATE: Are you thinking about killing yourself?
HECTOR: At some point… don’t we all?
NATE: Look, I know that you’re not serious about… killing yourself. I know you wouldn’t do something like that.
HECTOR: (looks down)
NATE: Right? I mean, like- like, it’s one thing to say it, but there’s a big difference between saying something like that and actually doing it.
HECTOR: Yeah… whatever, man.
PROGRESS UPDATE: What if Nate is wrong and Hector really is going to kill himself? Or what if Nate has embarrassed Hector into answering dishonestly? Since a life is at stake, you have to assume any suicidal comments are serious.
NATE: Just remember, you’re not alone, man. Let me know if you ever need to talk, okay?
HECTOR: Yeah, man. Thanks, I’ll do that.
NATE: Okay, cool. Well uh… I better get going.
HECTOR: Okay.
(Next Semester)
NATE: So, uh, about Hector… he… I mean, I came so close. I was there, I knew something was wrong. I knew it. And… I don't know. I checked out. Autopilot. Didn’t want to make waves. (pause)
I dropped by the hospital last week to check up on him. He’s… doing better. Should be outta there soon. (pause) I’m glad he’s getting the help he needs now, but… I never wanted it to happen like this.
Example of a Good Conversation that Achieves the Goals
NATE: Hey, thanks for loaning me those kung-fu movies. Nothing like a badly-dubbed, cheesy fight scene to take my mind off midterms.
HECTOR: (weak laugh) Eh, I guess.
NATE: Hey, hold up. You’re not gonna defend your goofy old movies?
HECTOR: Whatever, man. I know they’re cheesy. (pause) Look, I don’t really feel like hangin’ out… maybe later, okay?
NATE: No way. I haven’t seen you all week. What kind of friend would I be if I left without catching up?
Y’know, you’ve been missing our runs lately. That’s not like you... I mean, remember that time you came for a run with a 103-degree fever?
So... what have you been doing to pass the time?
HECTOR: Well... not cleaning my apartment, that’s for sure.
NATE: (chuckles) I wasn’t gonna say it, but yeah. That’s for sure. What… what else you been up to?
HECTOR: (sigh) Oh, y’know... watching TV. Trying to sleep. Just needed to check out for a bit.
NATE: Okay, that’s cool, but uh... why do you need to check out? I mean, what’s up?
HECTOR: Nothin’s “up”... there’s nothing serious. It’s just… personal stuff, y’know? Nothing to worry about.
PROGRESS UPDATE: It was a good choice to keep a neutral tone and stick to open-ended questions. It can take time to get people to open up, but it seems like Nate is making progress.
NATE: So you said you were “trying” to sleep... are you having trouble sleeping?
HECTOR: Well, I’ve never slept great, but... yeah, I’ve kinda been tossing and turning. The booze helps a bit, at least with sleeping.
NATE: I know you don’t want me to worry. I get it. But still, what I see kinda worries me. And —I’ve got your back, so what’s really going on?
HECTOR: You really want to hear it?
NATE: I do.
HECTOR: (sigh) Okay, well... this kinda comes up every year, but... a buddy of mine died around this time, four years ago. I don't know, it just hit me pretty hard this year. Maybe...
Well, someone on Facebook posted a picture of him on the anniversary. And I realized- I realized I was the one that took that picture. (shakes head) I dunno, that- that just really got me. I know I’m bein’ pathetic, but… I just need some time. Alone.
NATE: Do you want to talk about what happened to your buddy? I mean, it’s cool if you don’t, I’m just asking.
HECTOR: (sigh) Not much to talk about. (pause) We were working a convoy and spotted an I.E.D.... John got out to work the robot. I was digging through my pack for a candy bar, and… I heard the sniper round, I looked out, and... he was already dead. (pause)
But it was my turn to drive the robot. He was only doin’ it because he wanted to log more time on it… but otherwise it woulda been me. I shouldn’t have let him drive it.
HECTOR (thinking to himself): And here I am, all broken up about it. A real warrior would be angry, would want… revenge. But I’m… but I’m not a warrior. Just some sad nobody.
NATE: It sounds like you feel responsible for his death.
HECTOR: Well… it is my fault. ‘Cause if I’d driven the robot like I was supposed to, he’d still be alive.
PROGRESS UPDATE: Nate's paraphrase, stated in a neutral tone, kept the conversation moving forward and got Hector to start examining his beliefs. Nate's moving towards helping Hector process some of his grief.
NATE: It sounds like you’re blaming yourself for what the enemy did. I mean, how can you hold yourself responsible for stuff you didn’t do, or things you didn’t know?
HECTOR: Okay, maybe I didn’t know about the sniper, but… I’m still the one who put him in harm’s way.
NATE: Well, you and John, you probably went back and forth with the robot, right? Like, both of you spent a lot of time driving it.
HECTOR: Yeah…
NATE: So really it was just a chance, then. Like, things could have been different if the sniper had picked a different time.
HECTOR: (shrugs) I guess. I mean… I wish to God it had been me. I got nothing going for me, y’know? I’m not doin’ anything… just takin’ up space. If I could take his place, I would… I would do it in a heartbeat.
NATE: Are you thinking about killing yourself?
HECTOR: Well… it’s maybe not the worst option at this point.
NATE: So that’s a “yes”?
HECTOR: ...Yeah.
NATE: Do you know how you’d kill yourself? Have you thought about how you would do it?
HECTOR: Got my trusty .45, right? That’s how I’d do it.
NATE: Thought about any other ways?
HECTOR: No, man…Just get my gun and… you know (trails off)....
PROGRESS UPDATE: It’s not enough to just find out whether or not Hector is suicidal. A key step in helping him is finding out if he has a plan or plans for how to do it and the means to carry out that plan, so you can intervene.
NATE: I should stash the gun in my car, since you’ve been drinking and all.
HECTOR: No way.
NATE: Now, come on, man. That’s Common Sense 101. Now, guns and alcohol don’t mix.
HECTOR: No frikkin' way. That's my weapon we're talkin' about.
NATE: Okay.
NATE: Alright. Now, what if you just gave me the key to the gun safe?
HECTOR: I don't know... I...
NATE: I'll give it back to you when you're feeling better, okay?
HECTOR: (sigh) ...Okay. Top-right drawer in my desk. (pause) I do appreciate what you’re trying to do.
NATE: Hey, you’d do the same for me.
HECTOR: (nods) So… what now? You headed out, then?
NATE: No way. As long as you’re talking like this, I’m not going anywhere. I mean, I’ll stay here all day, I’ll crash on your, couch… hell, I’ll even skip class tomorrow, if that’s what it takes.
HECTOR: You can’t be serious.
NATE: I’m serious, man. I’ll do it.
HECTOR: (sigh) Okay… so what’s it gonna take to get you off my back?
HECTOR (thinking to himself and sounding tentatively hopeful) Maybe I’m not trapped… maybe you are offering me a way out.
NATE: I’m only gonna get off your back when you’re feeling better. And I don’t mean just seeing you through this one thing… I’m talking about really getting this stuff taken care of. For good.
HECTOR: (wary) Uh… what are you getting at?
NATE: Have you thought about seeing someone about this?
HECTOR: Uh-uh. No, no, no, no. This is my problem to deal with. I’ll talk with you about it because we’re cool, you know, but... and you been there... but a shrink? No.
NATE: Okay, but, you know, our school counselors, they’re trained on some of the stuff we faced... y'know, overseas. One of them is actually a veteran. They get it. And, there’s no reporting anything to anyone… it’s all strictly private, the way it should be.
HECTOR: I… I didn’t know that. I’m just… not sure.
PROGRESS UPDATE: Some problems are best handled by a trained professional. It’s unfortunate Hector doesn’t want expert help; but, as his friend, it’s Nate's job to connect him with the resources he needs.
NATE: I know what you mean... a while ago, I was dealing with a lot of stuff, too, and I did not want to talk to anyone, either. But I did. Well, I had to, to get straightened out.
HECTOR: But, weren’t you embarrassed? I mean, you were kickin’ in doors in Fallujah, and now you had to go cry to a shrink?
NATE: (laughs) Hell, yeah, I was embarrassed. But this stuff was just eating me alive... like a wound that never got treated. Like a broken leg. You know, somebody can tell you all day to just walk it off... what good does that do you?
HECTOR: I hear that, man.
NATE: And I got to a point where I just realized that I had to do something. So I got it taken care of. And it’s not perfect now, but it’s better.
HECTOR: And that stuff... works? I heard some stories, man....
NATE: Well, it’s been proven with research and stuff, but it’s not guaranteed, and... it’s definitely work. It took me a couple of tries, actually. But, you know, it’s a hell of a lot better than doing nothing and just feeling bad for the rest of your life.
HECTOR (pointing to his beer): I don't know, I think I like my therapy better.
NATE: (laugh) I like your therapy better, too. But how’s it been working? And be straight with me.
HECTOR: Eh, helps me sleep.
NATE: Make you feel better?
HECTOR: (faint smile) Nothin’ can do that.
NATE: It sounds like drinking just lets you limp along, but it doesn’t make you feel any better.
HECTOR: Yeah, it’s… it’s just a band-aid. But a good one.
NATE: Yeah, but no matter how good the band-aid is, it’s still a band-aid. So, if there was something that could actually fix things... would you wanna give that a shot?
HECTOR: (pause) I dunno… I’m not convinced there is anything better.
NATE: How do you know if you don’t try?
HECTOR: You’re really not gonna let this go, are you?
HECTOR (thinking to himself): Is there anything better? I mean, you’re right that this isn’t going so great. Could be that… maybe… maybe it’s worth trying something else.
NATE: It took me a long time to figure out that... I didn’t deserve to feel bad. And I don’t think you do, either.
I mean, you can’t help feeling bad because this awful thing happened to your buddy... anyone would feel bad about that. But… you know, you don’t deserve to feel bad about yourself.
HECTOR: Thanks, but... I do, man. I do anyway.
NATE: Well, that’s where therapy comes in. They can help you wrap your head around it... you know, sort it all out. It’s probably what your buddy would want you to do.
HECTOR: Well… you’re probably right about that.
HECTOR (thinking to himself): I guess… I guess I have to believe that John wouldn’t want me to feel like shit the rest of my life.
NATE: Let’s get this taken care of, man. Let’s get you to a counselor or whatever… an expert.
HECTOR: What, now?
NATE: Yeah. Right now.
HECTOR: Aw, man. You gotta be kiddin’ me.
NATE: Just come with me. We’ll take a ride. It’ll be okay.
HECTOR: (pause) It better be.
NATE: It will be.
(Next Semester)
HECTOR: He might not know it, but Nate saved my life that night when he dropped by to talk. He was right to get me to a counselor. Therapy ain’t easy or anything, but it’s working. And it’s something I’m willing to work at.
HECTOR: The nightmares are getting better. Now I’m focused on getting a degree, opening a business… doing some good in the world. If not for myself, then… then at least for John.