Module 2: Chris

NATE: Chris served as a mechanic in the Army and he can fix just about anything he lays his hands on… got me out of a real bind with my car. I can tell he’s smart as hell, but his grades have been low all semester.

He talks a lot about his crew back in Afghanistan, the camaraderie. He misses it. As far as I know, I’m one of his few friends here.

In the past couple weeks, he’s seemed more frustrated and angry… like, I’ve seen him tell off students a couple times for being rude or lazy. Little things like that seem to set him off.

Otherwise he sets a good example, though. The guy is incredibly respectful to his professors, and he studies 24/7… but he doesn’t seem to do well on tests. Yesterday when he got a test back, he crumpled it up and left the room.

Question: Which of the following should you be concerned about?

Served in the Army
Can fix just about anything
Has had low grades all semester
Talks a lot about his friends from Afghanistan
Has few friends on campus
Irritable and prone to angry outbursts
Respectful to professors
Studies hard, but doesn’t do well on tests
Crumpled up test and left classroom

“Has had low grades all semester” and “Studies hard, but doesn’t do well on tests” are patterns of negative behavior. Throughout the semester, Chris has studied hard but gotten bad grades… it’s time to ask what’s going on.

“Irritable and prone to angry outbursts” and “Crumpled up test and left classroom” are significant changes in behavior. Recently, Chris has been more angry than usual, and it would be good to know why.

“Having few friends on campus” isn’t always a bad thing, but in this case it might mean that Chris has fewer people he can depend on to keep him grounded. What does your gut tell you?

It couldn’t hurt to talk to him and find out what’s going on. We take calculus together, so after class I’ll invite him to my favorite diner for a bite to eat.

Conversation Goals

Find out what challenges Chris is facing
Help talk through these challenges, or brainstorm solutions

Example of a Weak Conversation that Does Not Achieve the Goals

CHRIS: Man, I hope this place is quick, 'cause I have a test coming up on Friday. Lotta studying to do.

NATE: No worries, they're speedy here. Our food should be out in a sec. Now, I know you're busy, but, y’know... thanks for grabbing some chow anyway.

CHRIS: All you had to say was "gravy fries," and I was in.

NATE: I know... now there's a concept.

CHRIS: Seriously.

NATE: So you kinda freaked out in class the other day... what’s up with that?

CHRIS: I didn’t “freak out” or anything. I just... got a little mad. I didn’t want to stay anymore, so I left.

PROGRESS UPDATE: When Nate said Chris “freaked out,” that sounded like criticism and made him defensive. Instead of using terms like “freaked out,” it's important to try stating exactly what he did, without any judgment. That’s much more likely to get him talking.

NATE: So what’s tripping you up in that calc class?

CHRIS: You mean what isn’t tripping me up! Well, besides Professor O’Leary being a total stump, there are all these kids in the class that keep yapping and yapping while I’m trying to pay attention. They drive me insane. I can’t concentrate.

And then I study for hours and hours and still have no clue what the textbook is saying. Bullshit is flying at me from every angle, y’know?

NATE: Sometimes you just gotta man up and push through it. We all have to do that now and then.

CHRIS: Look, man, I’m not a slacker or anything. I- I’m running myself into the ground for this class. It’s not my fault I’ve got nothing to show for it!

PROGRESS UPDATE: By telling Chris he “just needs to man up,” Nate is minimizing his struggles. Nate is also suggesting he’s somehow weak for not finding easy success in this class. The overall message to Chris is that he doesn’t care about him and Nate thinks he’s weak. As a result, he’s resisting the advice.

NATE: So what is it about these kids that drives you insane?

CHRIS: They just don’t have any… perspective, y’know? They’ve never been anywhere and they don’t know how good they’ve got it. So they sit in class texting and Facebooking while the professor is lecturing.

CHRIS: I mean, that kind of disrespect would never fly in the Army, and I have no idea why people put up with it here. It makes me so angry I can barely think.

NATE: I hear you, man. Those kids are the worst... 18 years old, haven’t done a damn thing in their lives, and they think they know everything and they deserve everything handed to them on a silver platter.

CHRIS: Exactly. And they show up to class in pajamas--

NATE: --yeah, or like leggings and UGGs--

CHRIS: --right! At least put some clothes on! And they dick around in class. It’s just so disrespectful. Sometimes it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

NATE: Sounds like things are kinda rough but I- I’m sure you’ll be fine.

CHRIS: I guess I’ll figure something out. Anyway, it was good to talk about it.

NATE: Hey, did you catch the game last week?

CHRIS: Caught the second half of it. Total let-down. I thought for sure that dude was gonna get...

(Next Semester)

CHRIS: Just like I thought, it turns out I’m no good at school. I washed out at the end of the semester. Couldn’t remember anything, couldn’t concentrate… no way was I gonna make it. Anyway, turns out it’s pretty hard to get a job as a mechanic without any kind of certification.

CHRIS: Maybe I’ll re-enlist… I don’t really want to go back overseas, but I did a lot better in the Army than in school, that’s for sure.

Example of a Good Conversation that Achieves the Goals

CHRIS: Man, I hope this place is quick, 'cause I have a test coming up on Friday. A lot of studying to do.

NATE: No worries, they're speedy here. Our food should be out in a sec. Now, I know you're busy, but, y’know... thanks for grabbing some chow anyway.

CHRIS: All you had to say was "gravy fries," and I was in.

NATE: I know... now there's a concept.

CHRIS: Seriously.

NATE: So, man, how's that calc class treating you?

CHRIS: Man, that class is bullshit. Lady can't teach worth a damn. She's gotta pull it together, or... or something's gotta give, 'cause I'm not getting it.

NATE: Wow, man, that sounds kinda rough.

CHRIS: Yeah. You could say that.

NATE: I’ve had some tough professors here, for sure, and I thought I was gonna fail their classes. I actually, uh... came pretty close to washing out.

CHRIS: For real? You’re still here, though... I guess you, like, unleashed your inner Einstein or something?

NATE: (laughs) I wish! No, I just had to adapt and do the best I could. Like, way back in A.I.T., I had a ‘toon sergeant who was really boring. Guy talked forever. But I figured out pretty quick that if I wanted to get through A.I.T., I had to learn to deal with it. I mean, not everyone is gonna teach the way I like to learn, y’know?

CHRIS: Yeah... I guess that makes sense.

PROGRESS UPDATE: It would be easy to just take Chris’s side instead of being completely honest. Instead, Nate managed to take his side while still challenging him with the truth. This is a good step toward getting him to open up about the challenges he’s facing.

NATE: Y’know, I’m doing okay in calc and I’d be willing to study with you and whatnot… but there are some other students in the class who really seem to get this stuff. Have you thought about asking them for help?

CHRIS: I... I don’t think that would go well. Those kids drive me insane.

NATE: So what is it about these kids that drives you insane?

I mean, that kind of disrespect would never fly in the Army, and I have no idea why people put up with it here. It makes me so angry I can barely think.

NATE: Sometimes I don’t get the kids, either, man. But, what can you do about it?

CHRIS: I don’t know. Maybe one of these days I’ll just lose it and go off on them in class.

NATE: (laughs) Make sure it’s during calc. At least then it’ll help me stay awake.

CHRIS: (laughs) Yeah, I guess.

NATE: But seriously, though, what can you do about it?

CHRIS: Um. I don’t know... I don’t think I could go to the professor. She yells enough as it is and it doesn’t seem to matter. Maybe I could transfer to a different section of the same class? Ehh, probably be the same crap there too. I dunno, man.

NATE: Okay, well, we can keep thinking about it.

CHRIS (thinking to himself): Why am I having such a hard time here? Everyone else seems to have this figured out already…

NATE: When you say you don’t know what you’re doing here, what do you mean, exactly?

CHRIS: I mean... in Afghanistan, we had a job to do. There was a mission. We were heading out to fix vehicles... y’know, we got blown up, we kept driving on. What I did every day, it... God, I sound like a recruiter, but... it made a difference, right?

NATE: Yeah, man. I know what you mean.

CHRIS: But here... nothing needs to get done. No one cares if I show up to class. Every day I feel like I’m just killing time.

If I dropped out, I don’t think anyone would notice or care. I dunno. Maybe I’m stupid for getting worked up about something like this, but… I can’t shake it.

PROGRESS UPDATE: By continuing to ask questions and being curious about Chris’s feelings, Nate got him to open up about his frustrations. This is a good step towards helping him problem-solve his situation.

NATE: I don’t think you’re stupid for getting worked up about this.

CHRIS: (laughs) Are you sure? You don’t have to say that.

NATE: No, I really don’t. A sense of purpose is a big thing… I mean, look at all the crazy stuff you did in Afghanistan because you knew that it was really important. At least, all the mechanics I knew they worked, like, 14-hour days and stuff.

CHRIS: Yeah, that’s true. We used to push ourselves really hard ‘cause… like you said, we knew people’s lives were on the line.

NATE: Right. So when that big purpose isn’t there… all the little, everyday stuff creeps back in, becomes a big deal again.

CHRIS: Yeah…

NATE: …But…?

CHRIS: (sigh) I’m not even sure what I’d do with this education. I thought it would be practical, like learning to be a mechanic, but it’s all... I mean, I’m just taking a bunch of math courses. When am I ever going to use calculus? I want to build vehicles, not stare at equations all day.

PROGRESS UPDATE: By validating Chris’s feelings (“You’re not stupid for getting worked up”), Nate let him know that he gets where Chris is coming from. Now that Chris feels understood, he’s more likely to listen to Nate's ideas for making things better.

NATE: Now, I know I’ve talked to you a little about the S.V.O., and--

CHRIS: --yeah, I know. Still not interested. I’m done. I’m out. Don’t need to hang with a bunch of vets and talk about the war.

NATE: Okay, and I get that. I’m just saying that this is exactly the kind of stuff that we talk about.

CHRIS: (pause) ...really? I mean... I don't know. I’m not really feelin’ it, y’know?

NATE: Y’know, I hear you. The other students, they don’t get it. They don’t know where you’ve been. But we get it. We’re in it together, y’know? We go to the same V.A. Our DD214s... same form. We care what happens to you.

CHRIS: Okay, but… how will that help me with my grades?

NATE: You might be surprised. Like, it’s way easier for me to focus on school when I can talk to people who get where I’m coming from. If I don’t feel alone, that’s one less thing to stress about, y’know?

CHRIS: Okay, but... I dunno about hanging around the vet center. I’m really not into the whole sit-around-hugging-and-telling-war-stories thing.

NATE: You know, there’s another side to this, too. I mean, you really helped me out with my car, and you take a really practical view of things… maybe your brothers could use your help. You might be surprised what a difference you could make for someone.

CHRIS: I guess... I never really thought of it that way. I mean, sure, I want to help but... I don’t know... how much help would I really be?

NATE: Like I said, I think you could bring a lot to the table, but sometimes just being there is all it takes to make a difference. I know when I got here, it really helped me to know I wasn’t alone.

CHRIS: Well, if all I have to do is be there... (Nate laughs) I guess I could manage that.

NATE: Awesome! It’ll be great to have you there, man. Oh hey, look... here come the fries...

(Next Semester)

CHRIS: I didn’t realize how much baggage I was carrying until Nate started asking about it. I took Nate up on his offer and joined the S.V.O., and I met some really good folks there. Some of them even have the same problems with school, and I learned that I can get accommodations and stuff. Taking tests in a quiet room, tutoring, stuff like that.

Might not sound like much, but it’s really helped me. I still don’t like this calculus crap, but at least I can follow it now.