WES: So, should we start with the delights of microbiology, or delve into the world of urban economics?
BECKY: Hmm? Oh, uh, yeah.
WES: Wait, which one?
WES: Uh, Becky?
BECKY: Huh? Right, sorry. Just thinking too much.
WES: You’ve been acting pretty weird since we passed Tom on the way over. Are you mad at him, or something?
BECKY: Jeez. I mean, I don’t know. I wouldn’t use the word “mad” exactly. It’s, it’s more than that.
COACH: Labeling Becky’s behavior as “pretty weird” puts her in an uncomfortable position and does not give her space to open up.
WES: Didn’t I warn you about Tom?
BECKY: Huh?
WES: I said, “this guy is bad news.“ So I hate to say I told you so, but.
BECKY: But you told me so?
WES: I mean.
BECKY: Forget it.
COACH: Instead of making this moment about yourself and blaming Becky for not listening to you, show support by listening to her and understanding where she’s coming from.
WES: Becks, just tell me what’s going on.
COACH: It’s good to let Becky talk. Just make sure you’re not pushing her to share more than she feels comfortable with.
BECKY: Well, what’s “going on” is, I dunno.
BECKY: It was confusing? I thought we were okay. We were just hanging out, everything was fine, but then I said no, but he still kept going. I don’t want to get into details or anything, but yeah.
WES: How could you even put yourself in a situation like that? Guys like Tom are— I don’t know. It just happened. I mean, I’d been to his place before, and he never. It’s not my fault.
COACH: Tom is responsible for his actions. Holding Becky at fault is a form of victim blaming which is unhelpful and hurtful.
WES: I mean, did you tell him you didn’t want to? Did you like, fight back?
BECKY: Why does any of that matter?
WES: I’m just trying to understand.
COACH: By asking if Becky made it clear she wanted to stop, you imply it’s her fault she was attacked. It’s not the responsibility for her to fight back. Also, you might cause her to re experience painful memories. Your job is to listen.
BECKY: Can we just! The details don’t matter. Okay?
WES: Okay. You’re right.
BECKY: See, this is why I’ve been kinda scared to say anything to, I really don’t wanna keep answering a bunch of questions, being judged. But I do want, I don’t know, some kind of help?
WES: We could talk about possible options now, if you want.
BECKY: Yeah, I think talking a little now would be good.
WES: You need to see a counselor.
BECKY: I need to? Why?
WES: You know, trauma can make you, I don’t know. It can help to see a counselor.
BECKY: Uh, Okay?
COACH: It’s fine to bring up suggestions, but make sure you let Becky lead this conversation. She is the only one who knows what she needs and what options are best for her.
WES: If you don’t see, like, a professional, I’m worried stuff could get worse, and I mean, you don’t want that.
BECKY: Uh, okay.
WES: I just think it’s really important that you see someone.
BECKY: I’ll think about it.
COACH: Becky seems hesitant. Don’t pressure her. Just be there to help her find information and support her in whatever she chooses to do.
BECKY: I’m just, not sure how I feel about counseling.
WES: Were there other options you’d thought about?
BECKY: I dunno. Like what?
WES: Maybe if we report Tom, we can get him expelled.
BECKY: I don’t know. I’m not up for all that.
COACH: Instead of focusing on revenge or on what you’d personally like to see happen, help Becky find someone who can talk her through the options for support, like a Title IX coordinator or confidential advocate.
WES: You have to tell the school about Tom.
BECKY: No, I don’t.
WES: But what if he tries to do it again? Or what if you get put in the same class next semester, or— Look, I really wanna just put this thing behind me, okay?
WES: Okay.
COACH: There are many reasons to tell the school about Tom, but that’s a choice only Becky can make. Instead of pressuring her, try to support her in whatever decision she makes.
BECKY: I don’t want to keep talking about, I don’t wanna tell the school right now.
WES: Okay.
BECKY: I feel like I have a pretty good sense of things, but is there anything else you can think of?
WES: If you don’t tell the police about this, Tom could attack someone else.
BECKY: Yeah, I know.
WES: And by stepping forward, you could protect them. We don’t want this happening to other people, right?
BECKY: Okay, I get it. Whatever I do, I don’t need you making me feel guilty about it.
COACH: By suggesting Becky is responsible for the safety of other people, you put unfair pressure on her to do something that she might not be ready to do.
WES: You have to press charges. Tom’s gotta pay for what he did to you.
BECKY: I don’t! I need more time to think it over, okay?
COACH: Instead of focusing on revenge or on what you’d personally like to see happen, help Becky find the support she feels most comfortable with.
BECKY: I’m not going to the police right now. And please, don’t try to convince me otherwise. It feels awful.
WES: Sorry, I didn’t mean to.
BECKY: Whatever.
BECKY: That’s probably enough to think about for now.
WES: I think that’s it. So.
WES: You’re feeling a little iffy on counseling.
BECKY: I wouldn’t say that. I’ll check it out on my own.
WES: Okay.
WES: You’re not sure about telling the school.
WES: You’re not going to the police. I’m sorry for pressuring you about that.
BECKY: It’s okay. I know you’re mad at Tom.
WES: And, I just want you to know I’m always here for you, if you wanna talk more or, anything. I care about you, and I’m so sorry he hurt you.
BECKY: Thanks, Wes. I’d kinda like to stop talking about it now.
WES: So, should we start with the delights of microbiology, or delve into the world of urban economics?
BECKY: Hmm? Oh, uh, yeah.
WES: Wait, which one?
WES: Uh, Becky?
BECKY: Huh? Right, sorry. Just thinking too much.
WES: I feel like for the past few days, well, you seem to be a little shaken up. Like something’s been bothering you.
BECKY: Is it that obvious?
WES: I’ve known you since middle school.
BECKY: True.
WES: Just checking, in case there’s anything you want to talk about.
BECKY: Yeah. Tom’s been, it’s hard to talk about. Uh.
COACH: Noticing Becky’s behavior and gently asking about it gives her space to open up if she wants.
WES: If you want to talk about it, I’m here. Or we can just drop it and study why mitochondria is the powerhouse of a cell. It’s totally up to you.
BECKY: Thanks, Wes. I think. I do wanna talk about it.
WES: Okay.
COACH: By giving Becky the space to share as much or as little as she wants, you encourage her to feel comfortable and open up.
BECKY: Okay.
BECKY: It was confusing? I thought we were okay. We were just hanging out, everything was fine, but then I said no, but he still kept going. I don’t want to get into details or anything, but yeah.
WES: Whoa. Becky, I’m so sorry. That’s awful.
WES: You don’t have to tell me any more if you don’t want to.
BECKY: Thanks, Wes. I appreciate you not pushing me.
COACH: Letting Becky know it’s okay if she doesn’t want to share the details of what happened makes her more comfortable.
WES: I can’t imagine how hard it is to be sharing this. This stuff is really serious, and scary. It means a lot you’re telling me, so I can try to help.
BECKY: Thanks. I appreciate that.
COACH: It can be very difficult for assault survivors to talk about their experiences, even with close friends. By acknowledging how hard it must be for her, you make Becky feel believed and understood.
BECKY: I’ve been thinking about talking to someone about this, doing something, but I don’t really know what.
WES: We could talk about possible options now, if you want.
BECKY: Yeah, I think talking a little now would be good.
WES: What do you think about seeing a counselor on campus?
BECKY: Hmm. One of my friends saw someone once or twice last semester when her granddad died. She said it helped her a lot.
WES: Yeah, my roommate is there like every other week. He said it’s helpful to have someone he can meet with on campus.
BECKY: Mhm.
COACH: Counseling services can be a good option for students who are struggling through a difficult time. It also might help Becky decide if she wants to take further steps like reporting. If she’s interested, you can find more information on the school website, or go with her if she makes an appointment.
WES: If you want to go the counseling office to check it out, make an appointment or something, I’m happy to go with you. If it’d help.
BECKY: Maybe. Thanks.
COACH: Offering to go with Becky to learn more about counseling is a good way to support her as a friend. You can also offer to find the info online too.
BECKY: I do think I might want to talk to a counselor.
WES: Were there other options you’d thought about?
BECKY: I dunno. Like what?
WES: How would you feel about going to the school?
BECKY: Hm. I’m not really sure what they’d actually do.
WES: I think they have people who know your options; people who can talk to you about your choices. Like, the person who handles harassment complaints, I think they’re called the Title IX coordinator? Or someone like that. We could check their website, if you wanted.
BECKY: Oh, okay. Maybe I could do that.
COACH: The Title IX coordinator is a good choice for students who want to hear about their options for next steps.
WES: If you decide to find out more about what the school can do, maybe talk to someone at the Title IX office. I could go with you to check it out.
BECKY: Thanks. I’ll let you know.
COACH: Offering to help Becky learn more about the school’s resources is a good way to support her as a friend. Federal law requires that Title IX resources be easily accessible from your school’s website.
BECKY: I think I might want to talk to the Title IX office. Lemme just think on it a little more.
BECKY: I feel like I have a pretty good sense of things, but is there anything else you can think of?
WES: Well, what do you think about going to the police?
BECKY: I can’t even start to think about, like, starting an investigation, or pressing charges. I don’t think I’m really ready for that.
COACH: Going to the police could be a good option if Becky feels comfortable with that. It’s also okay if she doesn’t want to. Often people will prefer to see a counselor or a Title IX coordinator as a first step, but whatever Becky wants to do is the right answer for her.
WES: You don’t have to make a decision about going to the police yet. And if you end up not wanting to go at all, that’s okay too.
BECKY: Mhm.
COACH: You heard that Becky isn’t interested in pressing charges right now, and you let her know it’s okay to take more time to think about things.
BECKY: Thanks for understanding. I don’t think I’m gonna go to the police, at least for now.
BECKY: That’s probably enough to think about for now.
WES: I think that’s it. So.
WES: You think counseling might be good.
WES: You think you might wanna check in with the school.
WES: You’re not gonna go to the police right now, which is totally valid.
WES: And, I just want you to know I’m always here for you, if you wanna talk more or, anything. I care about you, and I’m so sorry he hurt you.
BECKY: Thanks a lot, Wes. This whole thing has been really, really hard to deal with. But it means a lot I have someone like you to help me through it.