JACKIE: When there’s a death in the community, younger children might not have the words to describe their emotions. Or they might struggle to understand concepts like death or loss. This confusion can be as painful as the death itself. If we help them find words for their feelings, it can ease that pain.
In this scenario, you'll play as Ms. Bryant, a 3rd-grade teacher at Hillchester Elementary School. Two weeks ago, one of your students, Jackson, drowned while on a family camping trip. The news shook up the staff, and students had a wide range of reactions. Some were so emotional they had to go home; others were quiet or didn't want to leave their teachers' side. It was especially hard for your class to deal with Jackson’s empty chair.
With some guidance from the crisis response team, you started to help your students process the death.
Most of your kids are starting to do better, but a few... might still be having trouble. Aiden, has always been quiet and generally gets along with people. But today at recess, Aiden yelled at another student and pushed him. The students were quickly separated, and you decided to sit down with him.
Your goals are: first, check up on Aiden and find out why he got upset. Then, help him find words to express how he’s feeling. Finally, if you identify any warning signs of distress, talk to him about seeing a school counselor.
MS. BRYANT: Mr. Bradley told me that you and Jamal really got into it out there.
AIDEN: (still hot from the scuffle) I wasn't the... one who... I just... (looks away... gives a frustrated sigh)
MS. BRYANT: Aiden... that's not something I've seen from you before. I just want to talk to you a little. See how you're doing. (tries to make eye contact while he avoids it) That okay?
AIDEN: (looks back at Ms. Bryant, then back off, brow furrowed... his leg bouncing... shrugs) I... I guess.
COACH: Aiden is still frustrated. Calm him and ask what's bothering him.
MS. BRYANT: What happened out there?
AIDEN: I didn't-... (getting agitated) Why aren't you, like... talking to Jamal? He's the one who... (sighs) I was just hanging out with Frankie, we were DOING something, but... Jamal kept being, like, "C'mon, c'mon... C'MON"... He wouldn't stop, so... (sigh).
COACH: “What happened at recess” is an open-ended question. This shows you were listening and gives Aiden space to answer however he wants.
MS. BRYANT: What did Jamal want you to do?
AIDEN: They were playing soccer, and... He was telling me to get in and play.
MS. BRYANT: Okay…
AIDEN: I told him... no. But, he kept saying I was... ruining it if I didn't play or something... (shakes his head) I was like, fine... okay. But I didn't-... It didn't... feel good.
COACH: Good! Asking what Jamal said followed up on something Aiden shared, helping him feel heard.
MS. BRYANT: What didn't feel good about it?
AIDEN: I... I dunno. I was... standing there. And Jamal... kicked the... y'know, the ball to me and I didn't... (pause) I just held it.
MS. BRYANT: You just held the ball.
AIDEN: I... just held it. Jackson knew not to... kick me the ball when I didn't... feel like it. But Jamal was calling for it until... he came over and just... kicked it away, over to D'Angelo. Then I... (struggles, then-) I guess I... pushed him.
COACH: “What didn’t feel good?” is an open-ended question. This encourages Aiden to share.
MS. BRYANT: So... you were angry that Jamal kicked the ball away from you.
AIDEN: He MADE me play. I didn't want to... and he made me, then took the ball away from me! (beat) I was, like.. this isn't fun anymore without... without, y'know... Jackson.
COACH: Good reflection! “Your angry Jamal kicked the ball from you” repeats back what you heard and prompted Aiden to share more.
MS. BRYANT: So, you were thinking about Jackson and it made you upset.
AIDEN: I, um…
COACH: Aiden let you know that Jackson's death is affecting him, but he's having some trouble expressing it. Support him by giving him words to describe his feelings.
AIDEN: (pause, in a small voice) Yeah.
MS. BRYANT: How much have you been thinking about Jackson?
AIDEN: I... I dunno.
MS. BRYANT: Do you think about him places other than, like... at recess?
AIDEN: (pause, then nods).
MS. BRYANT: Do you think about him at times other than when you're at school?
AIDEN: (nods) Like, on the bus. Or when I'm watching TV. Or having dinner.
MS. BRYANT: Okay... well, remember when we read THE ANGRY GIANT in class?
AIDEN: (nods)
MS. BRYANT: And remember we talked about how the Giant was sad…
AIDEN: Y-yeah... (brightens) because his best friend was a normal-sized person who had to go to a school for normal-sized people an'... an' the Giant had to go to school for giants.
MS. BRYANT: Right. And what did the Giant do when he got to school?
AIDEN: (thinks... quickly remembers) He wanted to leave an'... an' he... he got mad and ran through the wall, 'stead a' using the door.
COACH: Aiden is starting to identify his own complex feelings. Help him find words to communicate with more confidence.
MS. BRYANT: We can feel different emotions at the same time.
AIDEN: I... (cocks his head) Really?
MS. BRYANT: Like with the Giant, he was ACTING mad because he was FEELING sad.
AIDEN: (thinks, then nods) The Giant... smashed up all the cars on the highway between his school and his friend's school because he was... sad that he didn't get to go to the same school as his friend.
MS. BRYANT: That's right.
MS. BRYANT: What are some other times you can remember seeing someone feel sad, but act mad?
AIDEN: When... (thinks) When my dad... left. I saw my mom... crying like she was…
MS. BRYANT: (nods, encouraging him to continue).
AIDEN: ...like, she was sad but she slammed the car door like she was... mad.
MS. BRYANT: Do you think your mom might have felt both feelings at the same time? (he nods) So... you're not the only one who sometimes feels sad but acts mad. You're not alone in this. That's the lesson of the book.
AIDEN: O-okay.
MS. BRYANT: You think about how Jackson drowned.
AIDEN: I... (beat) well, my mom said he died because he breathed in too much water. She said it can't... happen when I take my bath. But, I... can't stop thinking about it. I... think about Jackson breathing in water and I wanna run away and... (releases a frustrated groan).
MS. BRYANT: You get that picture of Jackson stuck in your head.
AIDEN: And it's... really scary.
MS. BRYANT: That's a really terrible feeling to have all by yourself.
AIDEN: Y-yeah. It's, like... the worst.
MS. BRYANT: Do you know anyone else who's died?
AIDEN: My cat and... my grandpa.
AIDEN: I only met him a couple of times, so I wasn't very sad. Plus, he was old an'... I know that old people die. But Jackson he... wasn't old.
MS. BRYANT: I know it doesn't seem right... but people don't have to be old to die. We all hope that we live good, long lives... but sometimes accidents happen that are out of our control.
AIDEN: Could I... (pause, searches for it) It could happen to me too.
MS. BRYANT: What happened to Jackson was an accident... and there are people all around you... like your mom... or me... whose job it is to protect you and help you feel safe. Do you understand?
AIDEN: I... I think so.
MS. BRYANT: Do you remember when the whole class drew pictures of our families and showed them to each other?
AIDEN: (nods)
MS. BRYANT: Do you remember what Rachel drew?
AIDEN: She drew her family... and her brother who died.
MS. BRYANT: That's right. Her older brother died a couple of years ago. But Rachel still drew him in the picture of her family. What do you think about that?
AIDEN: I... (thinks seriously) I didn't really understand. It made me feel... (he doesn't have the words, so he shakes his head)
COACH: Aiden is starting to identify more complex feelings. Help him gain comfort with other words and feelings related to death and dying.
MS. BRYANT: It's ok to feel sad when someone close to us dies. ... even sad for a long time. It's called grief.
AIDEN: (nods) That's what it means? Being sad for a long time?
MS. BRYANT: It means... feeling a lot of the confusing feelings we've been talking about after someone dies. These feelings can last for... more than a day... more than a week. Maybe more than a month.
AIDEN: (nods) Oh... Okay.
MS. BRYANT: Can you think of times when someone you know has been grieving? When they've been really sad because someone they love is no longer there?
AIDEN: Um... like Wolfblade?
MS. BRYANT: What's a Wolf Blade?
AIDEN: Wolfblade? The superhero?
MS. BRYANT: (shakes her head and shrugs, a la "I dunno.")
AIDEN: His parents died a long time ago, but he still feels really sad about it. So, he fights crime to help him with his (has the word now) grief... y'know, like you said.
MS. BRYANT: (nods encouragingly)
AIDEN THOUGHT: Wolfblade is so totally cool.
MS. BRYANT: When someone says they "lost" someone... that's just a way of saying that someone's died.
AIDEN: (wrapping his head around this meaning) Oh. Really?
MS. BRYANT: But it's okay for us to say that someone died, because we know what happened to them. We didn't lose them. What do you think about that?
AIDEN: That... makes sense.
MS. BRYANT: Earlier... you said you think about Jackson after school too.
AIDEN: I, um... (pause) It gets... bad at night.
MS. BRYANT: What happens at night?
AIDEN: I have... dreams.
MS. BRYANT: What kind of dreams?
AIDEN: Umm... in this dream, Jackson's, like... there.
MS. BRYANT: Does something happen in the dream?
AIDEN: (nods)
MS. BRYANT: Well... what do you remember about your dreams when you wake up?
AIDEN: That... that Jackson's alive. B-but... (gets sad, withdraws) m-my mom is... she's not... she's not.
MS. BRYANT: So, in these dreams you're having... your mom's died.
AIDEN: (nods) And it just makes me... so sad... and when... when I wake up.. (beat, as he works through what he wants to say) I feel like I miss her like... like she's no longer around.
MS. BRYANT: These dreams sound really scary. And acting mad... because you're struggling with really strong feelings.... that sounds scary too. Can I tell you what has helped some of the other students when they've felt that way?
MS. BRYANT: They've found it helpful to talk to Ms. Patel. She's the school counselor.
AIDEN: Is she... (struggles) Is she nice?
MS. BRYANT: Oh, I think she's very nice. And she's a great listener too. She can help when you feel confused by what you're feeling.
AIDEN: (unconvinced) Maybe...
MS. BRYANT: It's a pretty good idea to talk to someone about it. Sometimes just talking can make you feel better. But Ms. Patel can also show you things you can do to feel better if you get upset.
AIDEN: I don't... (pause) I wouldn't... know what to say.
MS. BRYANT: You could just... y'know, talk. Like we're doing. Would you like that?
AIDEN: (thinks) I dunno... maybe.
MS. BRYANT: How about this? I'll give your mom a call and tell her what we've been talking about. Then, I'll walk with you to go meet Ms. Patel. Does that sound okay?
AIDEN: (thinks, then-) I like thinking about Jackson sometimes. I won't have to stop doing that, will I?
MS. BRYANT: Not if you don't want to, no.
AIDEN: (considers) O-okay…
MS. BRYANT: Do you want to go see Ms. Patel right now?
AIDEN: (tentatively) I... guess? (thinks) I mean…
AIDEN: (looks around... considering) Okay. Thanks, Ms. Bryant.
MS. BRYANT: Mr. Bradley told me that you and Jamal really got into it out there.
AIDEN: (still hot from the scuffle) I wasn't the... one who... I just... (looks away... gives a frustrated sigh)
MS. BRYANT: Aiden... that's not something I've seen from you before. I just want to talk to you a little. See how you're doing. (tries to make eye contact while he avoids it) That okay?
AIDEN: (looks back at Ms. Bryant, then back off, brow furrowed... his leg bouncing... shrugs) I... I guess.
COACH: Aiden is still frustrated. Calm him and ask what's bothering him.
MS. BRYANT: You can't... be starting fights like that, Aiden. You know that, don't you?
AIDEN: (looks down) But, I…
MS. BRYANT: Don't you?
AIDEN: (still looking down, barely nods his head and mumbles) I just wanted to talk to Frankie, but Jamal wouldn't shut up.
COACH: “You can’t be starting fights” dismissed Aiden’s side of the story. Instead, ask questions about the incident to encourage him to share.
MS. BRYANT: You know... you never talked to me about how you felt about Jackson's death.
AIDEN: (bites his lip, shakes his head)
AIDEN: But that's not- (increasingly fidgety) Not what…
MS. BRYANT: Aiden-
AIDEN: I was... (beat) minding my own business. Jamal kept telling me to get in and play. He kept... (shakes his head) and I was like, fine... okay. But I- I didn't want to do it. (more agitated) I didn't want to!
COACH: Aiden feels frustrated after you brought up Jackson's death. He may respond to you in an angry way. Calm Aiden down before you ask how the death affected him.
MS. BRYANT: You... you're going to have to calm down, Aiden.
AIDEN: I... (frustrated sigh, simmers) Fine.
COACH: Telling Aiden “to calm down” made him feel uncomfortable sharing with you. Next time, help him open up by acknowledging what he's going through.
MS. BRYANT: Okay. Well... I will have to hear Jamal's side of this too.
AIDEN: (frustrated) Can't we just forget about it?
MS. BRYANT: No, we can't. I believe you that you didn't mean for things to turn out like they did, but... in this case, that's just not good enough.
AIDEN: (sinks into himself) Fine.
AIDEN THOUGHT: This isn't... about Jamal.
COACH: When you said “I’ll have to hear Jamal’s side,” Aiden felt like you weren't listening. Instead, keep the focus on Aiden by asking open-ended questions to encourage him to share.
MS. BRYANT: I can't help you if you don't tell me what you're feeling.
AIDEN: I don't... (frustrated sigh) I... I don't need... help.
COACH: “I can’t help if you don’t tell me” forces Aiden to give you an explanation. It also made Aiden feel like something was wrong with him. Next time, ask open-ended questions to encourage him to share what he’s feeling.
MS. BRYANT: Does talking about your feelings usually make you this uncomfortable?
AIDEN: (nervously fidgeting) I just... wanna go back to recess.
MS. BRYANT: After we're done talking about what happened.
AIDEN: (frustrated sigh, slumps in chair) Jamal just... kicked the ball away from me. Then I pushed Jamal. That's what happened.
COACH: “Does talking about feelings make you this uncomfortable?” sounds judgemental. It also makes Aiden feel like something is wrong with him. Next time, use a reflection to acknowledge his frustrations.
MS. BRYANT: It can really hurt when someone embarrasses you on the playground.
AIDEN: (frustrated) It's not that... It's just... not something Jackson would have done.
COACH: “It can hurt when someone embarrasses you” assumes how Aiden is feeling. It also implies that something is wrong with him. Instead, stick to what Aiden shared and acknowledge what he’s going through.
MS. BRYANT: Aiden... I know exactly what you're going through. You know that? (no response) I see you struggling and I... I just get it.
AIDEN: No! You don't get it. Grown-ups always say that but they just don't.
COACH: When you said, “I know what you’re going through,” you dismissed Aiden’s feelings. It also made him feel you weren't listening. Let's undo your last decision; acknowledge what Aiden is feeling and encourage him to share more.
MS. BRYANT: It sounds like you're feeling a lot of emotions... not just mad. Maybe sad too. Because you miss Jackson.
AIDEN: I... (thinks, tries to find the words, finally he lowers his head and nods)
MS. BRYANT: So, you were thinking about Jackson and it made you upset.
AIDEN: I, um…
COACH: Aiden let you know that Jackson's death is affecting him, but he's having some trouble expressing it. Support him by giving him words to describe his feelings.
MS. BRYANT: You just... won't be able to put some difficult feelings into words.
AIDEN: I... I just don't think I can do it!
COACH: When you told Aiden he “won’t be able to put feelings into words,” he felt discouraged. Next time, acknowledge his emotions, and, when needed, give him words to describe his feelings.
MS. BRYANT: So... why is thinking about Jackson making you so sad?
AIDEN: I'm not... (frustrated) I.. I don't think it's sad.
COACH: “Why is thinking about Jackson making you sad?” made Aiden feel frustrated. Asking a “why” question can sound judgmental. Instead, use a reflection to acknowledge Aiden’s emotions.
MS. BRYANT: Aiden, the best thing to do is... you know, try not to think about it.
AIDEN: (frustrated) I can't... NOT think about it, y'know... HIM, like... not being able to breath.
COACH: When you advised Aiden to "not think about it," you dismissed what he's going through. Instead, try using a reflection to acknowledge his emotions.
MS. BRYANT: Why haven't you told an adult about this?
AIDEN: (gets antsy) I didn't... know how to explain... what I was thinking about.
COACH: Asking a "why" question like, “Why haven’t you told an adult?,” can sound judgmental. Instead, use a reflection to acknowledge Aiden's emotions.
MS. BRYANT: Do you know anyone else who has gone to heaven?
AIDEN: (shrugs) My cat's in cat heaven.
COACH: Careful! Asking Aiden if he knows “anyone who has gone to heaven,” assumes his belief system. Let’s undo your last decision; ask what he knows about death or loss.
MS. BRYANT: Do you know anyone else who's died?
AIDEN: My cat and... my grandpa.
MS. BRYANT: Did you really feed sadder over a cat than a family member?
AIDEN: Y-yeah. (Said defiantly) Bonzi was my family.
COACH: “You feel sadder over a cat than family” assumes something is wrong with Aiden. It also makes him feel judged. Next time, use a reflection to acknowledge what he shares.
MS. BRYANT: Well... death is something everyone has to deal with at some point.
AIDEN: I... (angry) I don't want to!
MS. BRYANT: No one does. But it's just the way things are.
AIDEN: (scared) Does... everyone have bad dreams too?
COACH: Advising Aiden to "deal" with death dismisses his feelings. Next time, encourage Aiden to share his dreams relating to loss and acknowledge his emotions..
MS. BRYANT: Aiden... what can we do to cheer you up?
AIDEN: Can you- Can you bring Jackson back?
MS. BRYANT: (no response)
AIDEN: Can you make my bad dreams stop?
MS. BRYANT: (looks down)
AIDEN: Then... there's nothin' you can do.
COACH: Aiden is clearly affected by Jackson's death. Asking how you can “cheer him up” is only a distraction. Instead, encourage him to share his dreams related to loss and acknowledge his emotions.
MS. BRYANT: Well... what do you remember about your dreams when you wake up?
AIDEN: That... that Jackson's alive. B-but... (gets sad, withdraws) m-my mom is... she's not... she's not.
MS. BRYANT: There's nothing wrong with your mom, Aiden. There's nothing to worry about.
AIDEN: I... (annoyed) I know that. It's just... weird.
MS. BRYANT: Nightmares... acting out. Aiden... why haven't you talked to the counselor yet?
AIDEN: (shrinks into himself) I didn't know... (sigh) um, I didn't know I was supposed to.
COACH: Asking a "why" question like, “Why haven’t you talked to the school counselor?,” can sound judgmental. It also makes Aiden feel like he’s not doing enough. Next time, introduce the idea of counseling and how it can help.
MS. BRYANT: Do you want to keep this just between us?
AIDEN: I... (looks down) no.
COACH: Suggesting Aiden to “keep this between us” won’t connect him to the support he needs. As a teacher, you can still support Aiden alongside his parents and the school counselor.
MS. BRYANT: Okay, let's just talk more about this tomorrow.
AIDEN: (shrugs) Okay.
COACH: Aiden needs support as soon as possible. When you said, “let’s talk tomorrow,” he’ll miss a chance to see the counselor. Instead, notify his parents and offer to go with him.
MS. BRYANT: I think you have to see the counselor immediately.
AIDEN: (shakes his head)
MS. BRYANT: Aiden, I really think this would help you.
AIDEN: (thinks, then shrugs and looks away)