Now, let’s hear an example of what happens when Brandon shows genuine interest in Sam’s experience, has empathy for Sam’s situation, and explores ways to help him adjust and make friends.
BRANDON: I saw you get angry in there. Fill me in on what happened.
SAM: Evan made fun of my drawing, so I told him to shut up.
BRANDON: I see.
SAM: He wouldn’t leave me alone.
BRANDON: What’d Evan say that got under your skin?
SAM: He said my drawing looked like a little kid’s drawing, and he wouldn’t stop.
BRANDON: It must’ve hurt when Evan insulted your drawing. It looked like you were putting a lot of effort into it. What were you drawing, by the way?
SAM: A picture of George Washington for my book report.
BRANDON: Wow! That sounds pretty tough to draw.
SAM: I was trying to copy the picture from our textbook.
BRANDON: That’s a great idea! Good for you for trying.
SAM: It’s a stupid project. I HATE this new school!
SAM’S THOUGHT: Mom said it will only get better, but it’s only gotten worse!
BRANDON: What did you mean when you said you hate your new school?
SAM: My old school was so much better. I didn’t want to move here.
BRANDON: Thanks for telling me, Sam. I didn't realize that. I know you're new to this program, but I didn't realize you're new at school, too. What else is happening that's new?
SAM: My mom has a new job. Before we moved, she didn't work this late and I didn't have to come to a program like this.
JACKIE TORRES: Because Brandon thanked Sam for sharing and showed genuine interest in his situation, Sam told him even more about what he’s going through. Part of Sam’s anger might be because he doesn’t get to see his mom very much any more. Brandon can try asking about that.
BRANDON: Not seeing your mom as much, that must be a big adjustment. What else has changed with her new job?
SAM: She used to have time to help me with my homework.
BRANDON: And now she’s working during your homework time.
SAM: Yeah. And I had to change schools again.
BRANDON: You said you changed schools “again.” This isn’t the first time your family’s moved?
SAM: No, it’s the third. No, wait… fourth. But the first time I was a baby.
JACKIE TORRES: Great question! By asking if this is the first time he’s moved, Brandon learned that Sam has been through this before. And frequent moving could be a clue that he’s a military child.
BRANDON: You’re a really strong person to start over that many times.
SAM: Not like I had a choice.
BRANDON: No, seriously. Moving that many times… My parents would’ve had to scrape me off the floor with a spatula just to get me to school.
SAM: (snorts) My mom said she’d throw out my video games if I didn’t get out the door this morning. (Brandon gives a sympathetic smile)
JACKIE TORRES: Great! Brandon pointed out to Sam that he’s triumphed over challenges in the past. By affirming his strengths, Brandon reinforces Sam’s sense of competence, which is one of the most important things he can do for him. Over time, this can help Sam realize his ability to handle new challenges.
BRANDON: In places you lived before, did you know other military families?
SAM: We lived on base, so ...kids at school were military, too... not like here.
BRANDON: There are some other kids here who have a parent in the military. What do you think about meeting them? I can probably help you with that.
SAM: Army kids?
BRANDON: I don’t know, but we can find out.
SAM’S THOUGHT: I didn’t know there were other military kids at this place. I wonder where they used to live.
JACKIE TORRES: Some schools near military installations have military family support groups and specific steps for helping military children arrive and leave. If your school doesn’t have this sort of program, consider creating one. Also, think about making it a part of your enrollment process to ask if a new child is in a military family.
BRANDON: When you lived on base, you saw other kids come and go, too. (Sam nods) What’d you do to welcome them?
SAM: At school we made welcome cards. New kids would tell us about where else they’d lived. And we’d talk about that.
BRANDON: Sounds like something we could try doing here. What do you think?
SAM: Yeah, I could tell them about my old town.
BRANDON: I think that’d be great. And they could tell you about this town.
BRANDON: What was it like when you found out you were going to move this time?
SAM: We weren’t supposed to move again until next year! That’s what my dad said... but then he got orders to come here.
BRANDON: You didn’t think you’d be moving again so soon.
SAM: No. And now everything’s messed up. I have to go to a new school, and I have to come here too ‘because of my mom’s new job. And my dad gets back really late now. (pause and as if confessing) Mom and Dad are arguing a lot and I heard them say Dad might get deployed soon. My mom was crying and... (Sam is almost crying) I wish we could just go back home.
JACKIE TORRES: Because Brandon showed interest in his experience, Sam shared more about what he is experiencing, which is obviously emotional for him. As he opens up, Brandon can empathize with him to help him feel heard and understood.
BRANDON: There’s been a lot of change recently, and now things might change again. That sounds like it’s stressful for you and your family.
SAM: … Yeah. Last time, we missed him real bad.
BRANDON: Of course. It hurts when someone you love is far away.
JACKIE TORRES: Before a deployment, military families often experience worry and tension. Brandon respectfully showed an appreciation of that. Having established a better understanding of Sam’s situation and supportively listened to his frustration, Brandon can return to the topic of Sam’s outburst.
BRANDON: It’s never easy to have someone make fun of your drawing, and it’s especially tough when you’re new and somebody you don’t know very well teases you. That can hurt and make anyone upset.
SAM: (kind of sad, thinking about the fight he had) Yeah.
BRANDON: What do you think about what happened with Evan?
SAM: I was upset. I shouldn’t have pushed him. I’m sorry.
BRANDON: Thanks for apologizing. Maybe later you can also tell Evan you’re sorry. (pause) You know, Sam, I really appreciate what you’re telling me because now I have a better idea of how you’ve been feeling.
JACKIE TORRES: It's great that Sam has apologized for this incident. Brandon’s next goals are to discuss Sam’s behavior in general and then help him to explore ways to adjust and make friends.
BRANDON: When you’re feeling mad or upset, that’s okay. What’s not okay is to act hurtful to others. There are things you can do and things you can’t do.
SAM: I know.
BRANDON: Okay, so what are some of the things you can’t do?
SAM: (sigh) Hit or push.
BRANDON: Right! We want everyone here to be safe and to be respectful to each other. What else do we not want you to do?
SAM: Ummmm..
BRANDON: What about what Evan did? What he said about your drawing really hurt you.
SAM: Yeah. We shouldn’t say mean things.
BRANDON: That’s totally right! We don’t want to make fun of each other or use hurtful words like “stupid” or use language that’s disrespectful.
BRANDON: So you came up with three things we don’t do. We don’t hit, push, or use hurtful words. You’ve done some of that in the past, and I know you can do better next time. What do you think?
SAM: Yeah.
BRANDON: What can you do instead? Let’s say Evan teases you again.
SAM: Umm... I could ignore him... or move away from him.
BRANDON: Yeah, and if it’s difficult, you just talk to me or another staff person here and we’ll work it out.
JACKIE TORRES: Brandon was clear and specific with Sam about his unacceptable behavior, discussed what he could do instead, and let him know that he believes Sam can do better. Next, Brandon can help both of them better understand Sam’s emotions or he can explore ways to help Sam adjust and make friends.
BRANDON: I’m so glad you’ve told me more about what’s going on. Now a lot of things are making more sense to me. Can we talk about some other things I’ve noticed?
SAM: (still looking down; nods)
BRANDON: This wasn’t the first time you’ve been upset during the program. The other day when we were playing basketball and one of the other kids asked you if you’d like to join us, you said it was stupid. Now, what did you mean when you said it was stupid?
SAM: I don't care about them. I don't have to play with them.
BRANDON: You didn’t want to feel forced to interact with the other kids, and it sounds like you’ve been upset about some other things, and that might make it harder to hide your frustration with the other kids after school.
(Sam gives this serious, silent consideration)
BRANDON: With all of these changes going on, how have you been feeling?
SAM: I don’t know. Mad, mostly. Like, other kids’ dads don’t have to do this. Why does mine?
BRANDON: It makes sense that you feel mad.
SAM: It’s not fair! I thought I was gonna start fourth grade with my friends... instead of in this stupid place.
BRANDON: A lot of times, when we’re really sad or scared, we don’t want to feel that way, so we get angry instead. (Sam looks at him, surprised) If you feel mad enough, then maybe you don’t have to feel anything else. You don’t have to get hurt.
(Sam is quiet, thinking.)
BRANDON: What do you think about that?
SAM: I guess it makes sense. A lot of times I feel angry and I don’t know why. Sometimes the other kids are just being nice and it pisses me off.
BRANDON: Sam, earlier you said you didn’t want to get to know the other kids here. Tell me more about that.
SAM: It feels different here.
BRANDON: Why is that?
SAM: ’Cause they all know each other.
BRANDON: You really miss your friends. It’ll take time before anyone here feels as close to you.
SAM: Yeah, and it’s not like back on the base. Everyone here already has their group of friends. And I’ll have to leave again and be in some other new place, and they won’t.
BRANDON: I bet you’ve learned a lot from living in different places. Even though military families have to move around and that’s not easy, you meet many new people and learn about the world. I mean, how many schools did you say you went to? Three?
SAM: Yeah, three.
BRANDON: Three schools. In three different states?
SAM: Mm-hm.
BRANDON: Wow. That’s really impressive. Most kids here have only lived in this state... I bet they’d like to get to know you, Sam, and there is so much you could tell them about.
SAM’S THOUGHT: We’ve been all over. I swam in the Pacific and the Atlantic. I like the Pacific better.
BRANDON: Does your teacher know that your dad is in the Army and your family just moved here?
SAM: I don’t know.
BRANDON: Since you moved in the summer and started school with everyone else, she might not know you’re new to town. Who’s your teacher?
SAM: Ms. Cavanaugh.
BRANDON: Oh. I know Ms. Cavanaugh and I think she would be really interested to know about your move, Sam. I bet that would really help her because the more she knows about her students, the more she’ll know how to help them. Would it be alright if I discuss it with her ?
SAM: (nods) Yeah, that’s okay with me.
BRANDON: What can we do in this program to help you?
SAM: Umm… well, I could use more help with my math homework.
BRANDON: What are you doing in math now?
SAM: Fractions. In my old school we really didn’t talk about fractions much, but now I have to add and subtract them.
BRANDON: We can help you with that. What other subjects might we be able to help you with?
SAM: Lots of stuff I learned already, but the fractions are hard.
BRANDON: That’s good for your teacher to know, too. We can let her know what you need extra help with and what you already know.
BRANDON: In your old school, what did you like to do?
SAM: I dunno… (Brandon waits for a response) I was on a soccer team…
BRANDON: Tell me about your team.
SAM: I was goalie. (a bit bragging, due to his efforts as goalie) We were second in the league.
(Brandon looks impressed)
BRANDON: What do you say tomorrow I walk you over to the after-school soccer group? I could introduce you to the other kids and the staff member who runs it. It might be easier to get to know people in a smaller group.
SAM: Uh… (he hesitates, obviously interested, but not quite ready to give up being sullen yet)
BRANDON: (giving him an easy way to say yes) And if nothing else, you can at least have fun kicking the ball around.
SAM: Fine. Do they need a goalie?
BRANDON: (warm) Maybe. We’ll see.
JACKIE TORRES: Brandon can see Sam is interested, even though he’s trying not to show it. And it’s great Brandon is taking him to the soccer program because a child isn’t likely to follow up on a suggestion like that on their own.
BRANDON: We'd better go back in now. But you know, you can come talk to me or any of the other staff members. If you’re feeling down about something or worried or if you just want to talk, we can find time. How does that sound?
SAM: Sure.
BRANDON: I mean it. Instead of yelling or calling anyone names, we can work it out together. What do you think? (Sam nods) Alright, I can start introducing you to a couple other kids who are new this year, too.
SAM: Yeah?
BRANDON: Let’s go inside. I’ll let you know which ones they are…
(The conversation ends)
JACKIE TORRES: Whenever Brandon showed interest in Sam’s perspective, he opened up and Brandon learned more about the support he needs. Because Brandon showed a genuine interest in Sam and tried to understand what it’s like to be in his situation, Sam now feels like there’s another person who can understand what he’s going through.
Taking some time for a one-on-one conversation with a child about their situation and their feelings can make a big difference. It can help you understand and support the needs of any child you’re concerned about or who is new to your program, whether they’re in a military family or not. If Brandon didn’t speak with Sam, his pattern of behavior could have continued or even escalated to the point that he would have been asked to leave the program.