Now let’s hear about an example of a military child in need of support. Brandon is an after-school program coordinator. Sam is a fourth grader who started in the program three weeks ago at the beginning of the school year and Brandon noticed he is having trouble fitting in. Sam is moody and sometimes aggressive and frequently refuses to join in activities.
Today, Sam got in an argument with another child at homework time, pushed him, and stormed out. Brandon’s goal is to make it clear that this behavior is not acceptable and balance this with helping Sam feel like part of the group. As with any child, it means a lot to help him feel welcome, connected, and understood. Here is what Brandon should aim to do in this conversation with Sam:
Remember, children’s negative behavior is a form of communication. It’s often how they express what they feel when they have heavy emotions or distress at home. By remaining mindful of Sam’s situation, you can help him face his feelings, so he can adjust and thrive in his new home.
After Sam got in an argument and stormed out, Brandon asked another staff member to watch the homework group while he speaks with Sam. Let’s hear an example of their conversation in which Brandon makes several missteps.
BRANDON: Hey, buddy. Something wrong?
SAM: (turns away) I’m fine.
BRANDON: (calm) You shouldn’t have yelled at Evan and pushed him.
SAM: He started it, he was making fun of me-
BRANDON: (interrupting) Sam, there hasn’t been one afternoon I haven’t had someone complain that you yelled at them or called them names.
SAM: Ugh! Who cares?
JACKIE TORRES: Rather than confronting Sam with his difficult behavior, it would have been more effective for Brandon to ask him what happened. Let’s hear Brandon make another misstep while trying to get Sam to open up.
BRANDON: (looks at Sam’s shirt, which has a soccer ball on it) You like soccer?
SAM: It’s okay.
BRANDON: Who’s your favorite team?
SAM: I dunno.
SAM'S THOUGHT: Why are you talking to me about soccer? Did you see what Evan did to me?
JACKIE TORRES: Sam is too upset right now to talk about anything else. Instead, let’s hear Brandon let him talk about what just happened and express how he’s feeling.
BRANDON: I saw you get angry in there. Fill me in on what happened.
SAM: Evan made fun of my drawing, so I told him to shut up.
BRANDON: I see.
SAM: He wouldn’t leave me alone.
JACKIE TORRES: It was good to let Sam express his perspective. But now Brandon makes another misstep.
BRANDON: Next time try ignoring Evan or whoever is bothering you.
SAM: I tried!
BRANDON: Okay, well, you can’t let these things make you so upset.
SAM: (sighs loudly)
BRANDON: And if you do, tell me or tell another staff member. You can’t go around pushing other kids.
SAM'S THOUGHT: I get in trouble no matter what I do.
JACKIE TORRES: Sam is still upset and not yet receptive to Brandon’s advice. Instead, let’s hear Brandon show he’s interested in how Sam feels and see if he can learn what’s driving his behavior. Then Brandon will be able to give better advice, and Sam will be more receptive to it.
BRANDON: It’s hard when people make fun of you. We don’t want people making fun of anyone in our program. We want everyone to treat each other with respect.
(Sam is thinking about this and still somewhat angry.)
BRANDON: It must’ve hurt when Evan insulted your drawing. It looked like you were putting a lot of effort into it. What were you drawing, by the way?
SAM: A picture of George Washington for my book report.
BRANDON: Wow! That sounds pretty tough to draw.
SAM: I was trying to copy the picture from our textbook.
BRANDON: That’s a great idea! Good for you for trying.
SAM: It’s a stupid project. I HATE this new school!
SAM'S THOUGHT: Mom said it will only get better, but it’s only gotten worse!
BRANDON: Starting at a new school can be tough. Tell me about your old school.
SAM: I liked the kids there better. I didn’t want to change schools again.
BRANDON: You said you changed schools “again.” This isn’t the first time your family’s moved?
SAM: No, it’s the third. No, wait… fourth. But the first time I was a baby.
JACKIE TORRES: Great question! By asking if this is the first time he’s moved, Brandon learned that Sam has been through this before. And frequent moving could be a clue that he’s a military child.
BRANDON: Seems like having to move that much would be the worst. That’s not good for a kid.
SAM: (quietly) It’s not the worst.
BRANDON: Okay, but it’d be better if you didn’t have to move all the time.
SAM: My dad’s in the Army. We’re an Army family; that’s what we do.
JACKIE TORRES: Brandon learned that Sam is a military child, but in the process he made Sam defensive by criticizing his family’s lifestyle. Furthermore, this was an expression of pity and judgment, not empathy. Empathy is expressing a genuine interest in understanding another person’s experience, not assuming you already understand their experience and imposing your own feelings on them. Let’s now hear Brandon make a misstep in response to the news that Sam’s dad is in the Army.
BRANDON: Has your dad ever been to war?
SAM: Yeah, he was in Iraq.
BRANDON: Wow. Did he ever shoot anyone?
SAM: Uhhhh… I don’t know. My dad said you never ask someone that.
JACKIE TORRES: There are many ways to serve in the military that do not involve being in combat. Also, asking if Sam’s dad ever shot someone could be an emotionally-charged question. Instead, let’s go back in time and hear Brandon focus on how Sam is feeling and how he can best support him.
BRANDON: When you’re feeling mad or upset, that’s okay. What’s not okay is to act hurtful to others. There are things you can do and things you can’t do.
SAM: I know.
BRANDON: Okay, so what are some of the things you can’t do?
SAM: (sigh) Hit or push.
BRANDON: Right! We want everyone here to be safe and to be respectful to each other. What else do we not want you to do?
SAM: Ummmm..
BRANDON: What about what Evan did? What he said about your drawing really hurt you.
SAM: Yeah. We shouldn’t say mean things.
BRANDON: That’s totally right! We don’t want to make fun of each other or (now referring to Sam’s behavior) use hurtful words like “stupid” or use language that’s disrespectful.
(Sam is thoughtful)
BRANDON: This wasn’t the first time you’ve done this. There’s been a pattern of you getting into arguments with the other kids and being really rude. Maybe that’s okay where you used to live or maybe you’re allowed to be like that at home--
SAM: I’m not allowed to do that at home--
BRANDON: You’re not allowed to do that here, so something’s got to change. I don’t want to hear about it happening again. Got it?
SAM: Yes, sir. (ashamed)
JACKIE TORRES: After building a connection with Sam, Brandon now made him feel ashamed by lecturing to him. Instead of making him feel like he has an insurmountable problem, Brandon could show him that he believes Sam can learn and succeed.
BRANDON: Even if you’re going to move again, I hope this can be a place where you’ll feel like getting to know other people and let us get a chance to know you.
SAM: (unsure) I can try.
BRANDON: Y’know, I could use some help. What do you think of becoming the snack helper? You’d hand out the snacks to the other kids after they get here.
SAM: I guess I could do that.
BRANDON: Thanks. And the other kids would get to know you a little better. I think they’d like that.
JACKIE TORRES: Brandon found a way to integrate Sam into the program. To help him feel more connected with the other kids, he could also find something Sam is interested in that he can do with the other students.
BRANDON: I’m always here for you, Sam. You can talk to me anytime about anything.
JACKIE TORRES: Overpromising like this can damage Sam’s trust in Brandon and other adults. Realistically, he can’t always be there for him. Instead, Brandon could end the conversation without promising more than he can give.