JACKIE: How do you think that conversation went?
MR. BAUER: Well, I learned about some stressful things happening in Jen’s life, things that might be behind her aggressive behavior at school.
JACKIE: And you built a supportive relationship with Jen in the process.
MR. BAUER: Yeah, you know, I went into that conversation thinking Jen was a bully. But now I’m not so sure.
JACKIE: Let’s talk about that line between mistreatment and bullying.
Bullying is characterized by three criteria:
When Jen made a hurtful comment to Mariah in class, her behavior was unwanted and aggressive.
There is an imbalance of power between Jen, a popular student, and Mariah, a new student with few friends.
But so far, all we’ve observed is this one incident in class. Mariah did mention that Jen and her friends have teased her on other occasions, so it is appropriate to remind Jen about the class contract she signed and the school’s bullying policy. She needs to know that, if her behavior continues, it might call for disciplinary consequences.
Next, let’s look at the situation with Mariah’s Facebook wall.
It seemed like students were intentionally calling Mariah names online and trying to make her feel unwelcome.
This situation was also characterized by an imbalance of social power.
But Mariah said herself that it only happened one night; and, as far as she knew, Jen was not involved. Although it’s too early to label this “cyber-bullying” and take action, the situation should be reported to the school administration and monitored. Familiarize yourself with your school’s policy on reporting incidents that you believe are, or have the potential to become, bullying or cyberbullying.
Keep in mind, bullying can take on different forms. It can be physical--for example, hitting, shoving, facial expressions or obscene gestures--or it can be verbal, like threatening, name calling, or rumor spreading.
When students are intentionally ostracized or socially isolated from their friends and peer groups, that’s a less visible, but just as damaging form of bullying.
Also, and equally important, sometimes what we call “bullying” may actually be a violation of federal civil rights laws. These laws cover harassing behaviors based on race, national origin, color, sex, age, disability, or religion.
As with any at-risk student, aggressors, victims, and bystanders need you, their teacher, to be an authority and a positive role model. You can do that by setting clear expectations at the beginning of the year--for example, making a class contract--and consistently reinforcing those expectations through firm but non-hostile, non-physical consequences. I always try to remind myself: there are no bad kids, just students who need more attention and support.
JACKIE: Are there any other students you’re worried about?
ALEX: Well, one of my sixth grade boys, Michael... He wrote some something in his journal today that worried me. There might be an explanation, but…
JACKIE: It’s important to trust your instincts. If something worries you, err on the side of talking to the student and asking him about it. So what did he write?
ALEX: He said that his uncle is going to die soon and that he thought his uncle was lucky that he doesn’t have to be here any more. Then he said it would be better if it was him, instead of his uncle… that he doesn’t have anything good going on, but his uncle is good at everything.
MICHAEL’S JOURNAL ARTICLE:
Grandma says Uncle Cliff is gonna die. He is really sick with cancer. I told her hes lucky because he doesn’t have to be here any more. Maybe hes happy to get away. That’s how I would think. But she told me to be quite, said Uncle Cliff was the only one of her kids who is good and he deserves to live. I say maybe but maybe thats why he deserves to die and get away. Grandma is right to he is the only good one of us. Would be better if it was me. I don’t have anything good goin on but Uncle Cliff is good at everthing like fishing and talking to people and working his job. Wish it was me not him.
JACKIE: That’s a pretty strong statement. What else can you tell us about Michael?
ALEX: Well, he’s a great kid, sweet, easy to like. Some days he’s loud and awkward and makes silly jokes… really fun and outgoing. But then other days he just stares out the window all period without saying anything. Now that he’s written this, I realize I don’t know him as well as I thought, and I know I need to talk to him.
JACKIE: Definitely. Any time a student makes a troubling comment about death or suicide, you have to act quickly. We need to talk to Michael as soon as possible, to make sure he’s safe.
ALEX: So do you think I should go to the counselor right away, or is it worth it for me to talk to Michael first, myself?
JACKIE: Good question. Let’s talk for a moment about referring students… There are a few ways to refer: you can tell the student about the counselor, tell the counselor about the student, or better yet both. If you and the student have a good relationship, I suggest one of these options. By talking to students yourself, you can gather information about their situation and increase their motivation to meet with the counselor. Students are more likely to accept a referral from someone they know and trust.
When you do talk to students about the counselor, here are some things you can say that may increase their motivation to go.
The counselor has helped students with similar issues. EXAMPLE: "In the past, when other students have had a sick relative or even a relative who’s passed away, they’ve found it helpful to talk to Ms. Ayers about it."
Talking with the counselor can feel good. EXAMPLE: "The good thing about talking to Ms. Ayers is that she's trustworthy and she’s a good listener, so you can just let go and be yourself. That can feel really nice."
The counselor can help you meet your goals. EXAMPLE: "If there’s someone you could talk to about all this stress that you’re feeling, it might help you feel happier and more like yourself."
I can introduce you. EXAMPLE: "I know that approaching her out of the blue might seem uncomfortable, so I could introduce you and tell her a little about what we talked about today."
JACKIE: Finally, instead of telling a student that he should see the counselor, it’s often more effective to phrase it as a question, for example: “How would you feel about talking to the counselor?” This can increase the student’s ownership over the idea, which can make him more receptive to it.
Mr Bauer: Hey, Michael. Thanks for coming by.
Michael: Okay.
Mr Bauer: You know, I read your journal today, and it seems like you have some pretty serious things on your mind. It sounds like your uncle's been pretty sick with cancer and that's been hard for you to handle.
Michael: Oh man, yeah. Yeah, that's been rough.
Mr Bauer: I think you were very brave to write so openly about how you're feeling. One thing that really struck me in your journal was that you said it should be you dying instead of your uncle.
Michael: Yeah, I wish it was.
Mr Bauer: Why do you wish that.
Michael: Well, 'cause you know, he's better than me. He's smart, and good, and everyone loves him. But me... I mean I make people laugh sometimes, but mostly I just make them angry. And I cause a lot of trouble for my mom... People don't love me like they love him. That's just not gonna change.
Mr Bauer: You think it should be you with cancer because he's a great guy, but you think you're trouble.
Michael: Yeah, that'd be better, 'cuz before this, there was nothing wrong with him, but me... I'm all messed up.
Mr Bauer: What makes you think that?
Michael: I wish I was never born.
Mr Bauer: Sometimes when people are experiencing a lot of pain, they think about dying... even killing themselves. Have you ever had thoughts like that?
Michael: Well...um, one time I put a gun to my head.
Coach Text: JACKIE: Asking about suicide is not going to put the idea into a student's head. If you're concerned, you need to ask. This lets the student know it's OK to talk to you about his thoughts because you care and are comfortable enough to ask. Questions like, "Have you ever wished you were dead?" or "Have you ever wanted to go to sleep and not wake up?" are other good ways to phrase this question.
Mr Bauer: What were you thinking about when you put the gun to your head?
Michael: Well at first, I was just kinda playin' around with the idea. I figured out the combo to my grandma's safe, I took the gun out... and I was just curious, you know? And then it got me thinking, how would it feel to die? And I thought, wow, it could all be over, just like that.
Mr Bauer: How often have you had thoughts like that?
Michael: Well it was on and off. When my uncle got sick, I was really thinking about it a lot. Or, some days when I was being yelled at, or something like that, I just think, yeah, I know where that gun is. Then I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore and nobody would have to worry about me.
Mr Bauer: I know you think you make things difficult for your family, but I really enjoy having you in my class. I think you're a very thoughtful person, and I think you're going to grow up to be a good man one day.
Michael: I don't know about all that. It's kinda hard to see myself as a grownup.
Coach Text: Good.You made Michael feel valued without invalidating his feelings or arguing with him to change his mind.
Mr Bauer: Have you talked to anyone about how you're feeling-your friends, anyone in your family, other teachers.
Michael: Well, I was hanging out with my friend the other day, and we were playing video games, and I said something but he thought I was messin' with him. I dunno, maybe I was.
Mr. Bauer: What did you say to him?
Michael: Well, we were shooting up spies and stuff and I said something like, "I wonder what it'd be like to get shot in the head, like if you feel it before you die." I said, "Sometimes I think about shooting myself," but he said I was crazy.
Mr. Bauer: You know, I'd like us to walk down to Ms. Ayers's office. So you can tell her about some of the things you shared with me.
Michael: You're really cool to me an' all, worrying about me and stuff. But if you can keep this secret, I'd be really grateful. You know, I'm fine, I really don't want to cause any more trouble to anybody. Besides, my mom doesn't like Ms. Ayers. She wanted me to take a special class because my grades were bad. But my mum kept telling me that I don't need a special class, I just need to stop being lazy.
Mr. Bauer: Well, I'm worried about you and I want to connect you with Ms. Ayers, even if you think it's not necessary. What's your next class?
Michael: Math, with Ms. McGrath.
Mr. Bauer: OK, I'll write you a pass to be a little late to class. I think it's important to tell Ms. Ayers some of the things we've been talking about.
Michael: I don't want to do that. I'm just gonna go to math. (Michael, thinking: I wonder what it's like to talk to Ms. Ayers. Thinking about it makes me all jumpy in my stomach.)
Mr. Bauer: You know, we've had other students who've had friends or relatives who were sick, or who died, and they found it very helpful to talk to Ms. Ayers about it.
Michael: Who had a relative die? I haven't heard about that.
Mr. Bauer: Every year we have students who go through things like this. They might not talk about it so much around their friends, but they seem to like talking to Ms. Ayers. I think talking with her would be a really great, something to make yourself a little bit stronger while you're going through all this.
Michael: You really think that'll help?
Mr. Bauer: It's a great start. Let's walk over there now and see if she's in, OK?
Michael: (shrugs) OK.
End Conversation
Mr. Bauer: Hey, Michael. Thanks for coming by.
Michael: Okay.
Mr. Bauer: So tell me, how are all your clubs and activities going?
Michael: I guess you heard I'm not doing yearbook anymore.
Mr. Bauer: I hadn't heard that.
Michael: Yeah, it met too early in the morning. I was too tired.
Mr. Bauer: Well, how's basketball?
Michael: Oh, I'm not doing that either. It wasn't fun anymore.
Coach Text: Maybe Michael's still learning about his interests. But losing enthusiasm for hobbies and activities can also be a sign of stress or depression, so it's a good idea to notice changes like this.
Mr. Bauer: So, the teams and clubs you joined weren't as fun as you thought they'd be.
Michael: I was just thinking about it, they don't really need me on yearbook, and I'll never be good enough for the NBA. So what's the point?
Mr. Bauer: How are you feeling lately?
Michael: Well, I kind of have a stomachache right now.
Mr. Bauer: I remember you had a stomachache the other day too.
Michael: Yeah, I guess I get them a lot these days. I don't know what's up with that.
Mr. Bauer: You know, I read your journal today, and it seems like you have some pretty serious things on your mind. It sounds like your uncle's been pretty sick with cancer and that's been hard for you to handle.
Michael: Oh man, yeah. Yeah, that's been rough.
Mr. Bauer: I'm sure the doctors are doing everything they can to help your uncle. Maybe he'll get better. People rebound from cancer all the time.
Michael: I wish you were a doctor, Mr. B, 'cause that's not what his doctors are saying.
Coach Text: There's no way you can know whether his uncle will get better. Instead of giving Michael false hope, allow him the opportunity to explore his emotions about what's happening.
Mr. Bauer: Are you and your uncle close?
Michael: Yeah, for sure. We're real tight.
Coach Text: That was a yes-or-no question. Remember, open-ended questions are more likely to get Michael talking.
Mr. Bauer: You know, one of the things that concerned me when I was reading your journal --and I think you were brave to be so open about how you feel --but it worried me to read what you wrote about your uncle being lucky to die and get out of here.
Michael: It's a really tough world, Mr. B!
Mr. Bauer: What makes you think that it's tough?
Michael: You know, like, sometimes, when something's not right about you, and people see that you've got trouble, you can be too much on them, and sometimes it's better if you're not around. My mom and grandma would be so happy if they just didn't have to worry about me anymore.
Mr. Bauer: I'm sure you're not too much trouble for your mom. She may just be stressed right now about your uncle, I'm sure she cares about you very much.
Michael: How do you know? I'm not easy to be around. And I get on people's nerves.
Mr. Bauer: Come on, now. That's not true.
Michael: Yes it is.
Coach Text: Disagreeing with someone about how they feel often makes them defend their position even more strongly. Instead of trying to change Michael's feelings, just allow him to talk.
Mr. Bauer: Sometimes when people are experiencing a lot of pain, they think about dying... even killing themselves. Have you ever had thoughts like that?
Michael: Well...um, one time I put a gun to my head.
Mr. Bauer: Michael, I'd be very upset if you did anything to hurt yourself. Promise you won't touch that gun again.
Michael: Come on, Mr B., I didn't mean to make you sad. I was just kidding around, you know, I kid around a lot. Don't listen to me.
Coach Text: Even if Michael promises not to touch the gun again, that's not enough. A student with any level of suicidal ideation has to be referred immediately.
Mr. Bauer: Will you go by Ms. Ayers' office later today and tell her what you told me?
Michael: Nah, I don't wanna do that.
Mr. Bauer: This is too serious, Michael. I'm very concerned about you. I'd feel much better if you promised to talk to her.
Michael: Don't worry about me. I'll stop by tomorrow or something.
Mr. Bauer: Well, I'll give you a choice. We can either walk to Ms. Ayers' office together or, I can call her and ask her to come talk to us here. Which would you prefer?
Michael: Here would be better. If I have to do it, here's better.
Mr. Bauer: OK, I'll call her now.
Michael: Wait, you're not gonna call my mom though, right?
Mr. Bauer: I'm just calling Ms. Ayers right now.
Michael: OK, good.
End Conversation