JACKIE: When we identify and approach students, it’s not always to intervene in a crisis. Letting students know we notice them and care about their wellbeing makes them feel valued and supported at school. It can alter their classroom behavior and give them confidence to face personal and academic challenges.
Have you ever noticed that two students can be bullied or mistreated in the same way and have two very different reactions? A student who is called a name, for example, and has the coping skills to get through it with self-esteem intact has something we call “resiliency.”
Students with resiliency are able to maintain perspective. They feel empowered to solve their problems or ask for help if necessary. And they know that they are connected to a support system of at least one friend, teacher, or family member whom they can go to for help. As educators, there are small but significant things we can do to build resiliency in our students.
You may have helped Mariah maintain perspective by asking her to talk about her friends at her old school—to remind her that she does have the ability to connect to people—or by assuring her that her feelings are normal; it takes many new students a while to find their place at a new school.
Also, you may have empowered Mariah by helping her brainstorm solutions to improve her situation. Examples of this are asking her how she’d feel about joining school clubs or even asking if she’s spoken to the guidance counselor.
Empowered students know that they can ask for help when they need it, because they’re connected to a support system. By approaching Mariah and being a good listener, you developed your relationship with her and better connected her to the school community.
Whenever you help your students maintain perspective, feel empowered to cope with stress and adversity, and feel connected to others who care about them, you help them become more resilient.
JACKIE: So, let’s talk about other students you might be worried about.
ALEX: Well, Mariah was telling us about Jen… She’s another student who’s been on my radar lately. I don’t know what exactly is going on…
JACKIE: What have you noticed?
ALEX: Well, she’s popular, but she seems to have a real attitude problem, you know? I didn’t like hearing what she said to Mariah yesterday. And that’s not the first time I’ve heard of her being rude to other girls. Actually, a few weeks ago, the kids were talking about some big blowout Jen had in the girls’ bathroom with her best friend, Grace. Supposedly, Jen was screaming at her and on the verge of tears.
JACKIE: Was that brought to anyone’s attention?
ALEX: I’m not sure. If it was, I didn’t hear about it.
JACKIE: How do you feel about approaching Jen to discuss her conflicts with Grace and Mariah?
ALEX: I doubt she’ll be very receptive.
JACKIE: True, she may not be receptive. But at least she’ll know you’ve noticed her and that you’re concerned. And that’s a good thing.
ALEX: (nods)
JACKIE: Plus, there are ways to bring up sensitive topics that can make a student more receptive…
Transition text: How to Approach
In your conversation with Jen, you’ll need to bring up some sensitive issues, while trying not to make her defensive. The key will be focusing on specific, observable behaviors. These will be easier for Jen to hear and harder for her to deny.
To demonstrate, let’s start with a statement that’s neither specific nor observable.
"You were extremely rude to Mariah yesterday."
This would surely make Jen defensive and cause her to shut down. Now, here are four techniques for improving a statement like this.
The way you bring up the student’s behavior makes a huge difference in how the student will respond.
Now you’ll follow Mr. Bauer through his conversation with Jen. His goals are to ask about her behaviors, and if necessary refer her to the counselor.
Mr. Bauer: Hey, Jen. Thanks for stopping by.
Jen: Mhm.
Mr. Bauer: I want to talk to you about what happened in your peer review group yesterday. I noticed it had a bit of a surprise ending, with Mariah leaving class. What happened?
Jen: Um, I don't know, like, we were doing the assignment, and she just started acting really weird
Mr. Bauer: When you say she was "acting weird", what do you mean?
Jen: I don't know, it seemed like she was distracted or something. She was, like, squirming around in her seat, and the next thing I know, she jumped up and ran out.
Coach Text: Good. You explained what you observed in neutral language, without assigning blame. This kept Jen from getting defensive.
Mr. Bauer: What I noticed specifically is when you were working together, you sort of moved away from Mariah, you were making some faces; it seemed like something was going on.
Jen: I mean, I was just editing her paper, we weren't even talking, and all of a sudden, she gets so upset she runs out. Like, that was crazy.
Mr. Bauer: You know, I thought you looked upset too. I saw you rolling your eyes--and you've got a classic eye roll -- (Jen laughs) -- and you gave one of your big ones.
Jen: It's just, we've had some stuff go down, and now it's just, like, weird working with her.
Coach Text: Nice work. You stated Jen's observable behaviors in a tone that didn't reflect negative judgment, and even made a good natured joke to help her open up. Notice that, when Jen labeled Mariah's behaviors "crazy," Mr. Bauer continued to focus the conversation on Jen, not Mariah.
Mr. Bauer: Sometimes, when I'm trying to understand someone's behavior, it's helpful try to imagine how they're feeling. Sounds like you were feeling a little uneasy the other day. How do you think Mariah might be feeling, as a new student?
Jen: I don't know how she's feeling... Uncomfortable.
Mr. Bauer: Yeah, I'd imagine Mariah might be feeling a little uncomfortable. How do you think you or one of your friends might feel, if you had to move to a new school where you didn't know anybody?...(no answer) Jen?
Jen: I guess that would be, like, lonely.
Coach Text: Good choice. By asking Jen to try to understand someone else's perspective, you're helping her build empathy skills. And when you validated her answer, you reduced some of her defensiveness.
Mr. Bauer: I've noticed that you seem to be a natural leader, and you seem to have a great ability to make people feel comfortable around you when you want to. And I'm wondering if there's anything that you could do, using those great social skills of yours,to make Mariah feel a little more comfortable in class.
Jen: I mean, I guess I can stop rolling my eyes when she says something. I mean, I don't always do it on purpose, but I can try to stop.
Mr. Bauer: I appreciate that
Jen: And if we're partnered together again, I guess I can pay more attention to her paper.
Coach Text: It may seem counterintuitive to praise Jen, but once she realized that you valued her good qualities and noticed her potential, she seemed more willing to work with you instead of against you.
Mr. Bauer: It sounds like you're upset with her about something.
Jen: Yeah, um, some of my friends have been saying some things.
Mr. Bauer: What have they been saying?
Jen: Well, she wrote this note to my friend about my boyfriend.
Coach Text: Great job! Paraphrasing what you thought Jen was saying--in a neutral tone of voice--gave her the opportunity to clarify what she meant. Paraphrasing is a great technique for encouraging students to continue opening up.
Mr. Bauer: That sounds pretty upsetting.
Jen: Yeah, that's so rude. She's not... she's just not what you think.
Mr. Bauer: I realize this is a complicated situation and I'm not saying the two of you have to be friends. At the same time, we did sign a class contract to treat each other with respect, and I want to make sure that we abide by that.
Jen: I know. That's... fair. I can try to cut back on the eye rolls and stuff.
Mr. Bauer: When you have conflicts like this, and I'm talking both conflicts in and out of school, how do you blow off steam?
Jen: I don't know. I listen to music? And I'm on dance team, that's kind of a way to distract me from all the drama, I guess?
Mr. Bauer: That's great.
Jen: But it's like, drama follows me around. It just finds me, and follows me. It's like, a lot to deal with.
Mr. Bauer: When you're dealing with as much as you've got on your plate--responsibilities you have being a leader, conflicts with friends, and a lot of strong emotions--when you're dealing with all that, it can sometimes help to have someone to talk to. Have you ever thought about talking with Ms. Ayers?
Jen: Uh... I don't know if I have time for that.
Mr. Bauer: You wouldn't be talking to her all the time, just when you need to think through things, or get things off your chest.
Jen: Yeah, but the thing is, I'm busy with classes, and I'm on dance team so that's after school, and I don't want to miss lunch, and I can't come in early because I take the bus to school, so I don't think that's gonna work out.
Mr. Bauer: So you're saying there's absolutely no way you'd be able to find time to meet with her, even if you felt like you needed someone to talk to.
Jen: I could probably find a couple minutes at some point, but only if I needed it.
Mr. Bauer: I'm glad to hear that. If you ever decide you do want a little support or advice, she's a great person to talk to.
End Conversation
Mr. Bauer: Hey, Jen. Thanks for stopping by.
Jen: Mhm.
Mr. Bauer: Yesterday, did you tell Mariah she thinks she's pretty but she's not?
Jen: Excuse me?
Mr. Bauer: Well, I heard you were giving Mariah a hard time in class.
Jen: I don't know what you heard, but it's not true.
Coach Text: You may want to eventually bring up these things. But beginning the conversation with an accusation made Jen shut down. Undo that choice and, instead, try beginning the conversation with a more neutral tone. (Forced Undo)
Mr. Bauer: I noticed that you seemed a little upset to be working with Mariah yesterday.
Jen: Well, we're not exactly friends. But I was fine. She's the one who ran out.
Mr. Bauer: Why do you think she ran out?
Jen: I don't know, I think she has problems.
Mr. Bauer: What do you mean, she "has problems"?
Jen: She's a little bit weird, you know? Like, I don't know if you're tuned in to that sort of thing, or if you see it, but, she doesn't really know what to say or how to act.
Mr. Bauer: I want to remind you, we all signed a contract at the beginning of the year to treat each other with respect. You signed that contract.
Jen: But you don't understand what happened.
Mr. Bauer: I'd like to hear more about it, but I also want to be very clear: I expect all my students to treat each other with respect, regardless of any personal conflicts outside of class. You get what I'm saying?
Jen: Yeah
Mr. Bauer: I'll be honest with you, Jen, I think I may have heard about a larger conflict between you and Mariah. I was told that there may have been some arguing or some teasing that was going on through Facebook. What do you know about that?
Jen: I didn't do anything on her Facebook, it was my friends. And it's not, like, it's not a big deal.
Mr. Bauer: Well, I take your word for it when you say it wasn't you. But I do think it is a big deal when students are making someone feel unwelcome. If it continues there will be consequences, maybe even a bullying investigation.
Jen: She keeps flirting with my boyfriend, though, and talking bad about me. My friends were just sticking up for me. If someone waltzes in here and thinks she owns every guy in the school, and that she can judge people she doesn't even know, she better learn that my friends are gonna have my back.
Mr. Bauer: What I heard was that Mariah just lent your boyfriend her calculator. That's not flirting.
Jen: Uh! You don't know. She's all over him; it's totally gross and sad.
Coach Text: By disagreeing with Jen, you made her argue even more strongly for her position. It's very difficult to change someone's opinion by directly disagreeing with them.
Mr. Bauer: I think you should talk to the guidance counselor, Ms. Ayers.
Jen: No offence, but I don't think you know what I need.
Coach Text: When you tell someone what they "should" or "should not" do, it can actually make them less receptive to what you have to say. Instead, you could frame your referral as a question: "Have you ever thought about talking to Ms. Ayers?"
End Conversation