JACKIE: Do you have any other students you’re concerned about?
SHAWN: Um, yeah. There’s a freshman named Joey. He’s a quiet kid, gets teased a lot.
JACKIE: Shawn, tell us about Joey’s academics.
SHAWN: Well, he’s not a very strong student, and lately his grades have been getting worse.
JACKIE: And what about his participation? Has that been getting worse too?
SHAWN: Honestly, I can’t remember when he ever participated in class… willingly, at least.
JACKIE: Tell us about Joey’s behavior… what’s concerning you.
SHAWN: They had a homework assignment about Romeo and Juliet, and Joey wrote some things that surprised me… that sometimes suicide is for the best and people shouldn’t look down on it. I thought it was unusual, but I just assumed it was part of his interpretation of the play. But then I spoke to his grandma during our parent-teacher conference, and she said Joey’s dad committed suicide a couple years ago and that he hasn’t been the same since.
JACKIE: By the way suicide prevention experts prefer that we say “died by” instead of “committed,” when talking about suicide. This helps reduce stigma by underscoring that suicide is a tragic event, not a crime.
SHAWN: Okay.
JACKIE: And did you tell Joey’s Grandma about the school’s counseling services?
SHAWN: No. I did ask if Joey had seen anyone—maybe a therapist—after his dad’s death. But she blew it off, saying she didn’t have money for things like that.
JACKIE: What can you tell us about his extracurricular life?
SHAWN: Well, he’s being raised by his grandparents. I think he’s an only child. As far as I know, he doesn’t have any friends, and I don’t think he’s involved in any activities.
JACKIE: What about Joey’s appearance?
SHAWN: He’s a little disheveled, sloppy. I mean, a lot of kids are.
JACKIE: Has it changed lately?
SHAWN: Maybe… But it’s hard to say.
JACKIE: Here are a few warning signs that a student may be at-risk for psychological distress:
On screen this list appears, with directions to check all that apply.
JACKIE: Joey’s declining grades, his lack of participation in class, his isolation from his peers, and his disheveled appearance are all warning signs of psychological distress. Add to that the fact that he’s often bullied at school, the death of his father, and the statements he made about suicide and you have a student who really seems to need help.
Shawn, how do you plan to talk to Joey?
SHAWN: I thought I’d talk to him during fifth period. That’s my planning period, so I can talk to him without anyone disturbing us.
JACKIE: Good.
What should be the goal of this conversation?
[user decision: pick one]
ESTABLISH A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. I hope this conversation will begin a good relationship between Joey and Mr. Lyons. But at this point, relationship building is not enough. Mr. Lyons needs to take Joey to the counselor.
REFER HIM TO THE COUNSELOR. It’ll be great if Joey agrees to go to the counselor; but we shouldn’t trust that he’ll go on his own. Mr. Lyons should take him there.
TAKE JOEY TO THE COUNSELOR. Yes. We hope Joey is not actually suicidal, but any time we have a suspicion, we need to act quickly. Joey’s situation must be dealt with today.
The presence of more than one of the following warning signs may increase a youth’s risk for engaging in suicidal behaviors in the near future:
www.save.org/youthsuicide, 2017
Suicide is often preventable. If you fear that a student is considering suicide, talk to him or her immediately and be direct. Asking about suicide will not put the idea into a student’s head.
Gather as much information as the student is willing to share, such as:
Then connect the student immediately and in person to a supportive counselor, staff member, local service provider, or crisis center. If you have questions on how to handle a particular situation and you cannot reach anyone in your school administration, you can call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Mr. Lyons: Hey, Joey. I just wanted to talk to you about a couple things. (pause) It's okay. You're not in trouble or anything.
Joey: What is it?
Mr. Lyons: Well, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm worried about you.
Joey: Why?
Mr. Lyons: Well, several reasons... I heard about your dad. Your grandma told me.
Joey: (interrupts with groan)
Mr. Lyons: I know, Joey. I know. And your grandma told me that she's very worried about you. And... I don't know, now you're writing on assignments that you think suicide is sometimes the right thing to do. So, you know, this is why I'm worried about you.
Joey: . . .
Coach Text: Expressing your personal concern for him was a good way to begin the conversation. He needs to know someone notices him and cares.
Mr. Lyons: I spoke to your grandma when we had our parent-teacher conference. She told me about your dad. I wanted to ask you about it.
Joey: (sigh) About what?
Mr. Lyons: It can be so hard to lose a parent, especially at your age.
Joey: Well, you lose everybody sometime.
Coach Text: Expressing empathy is an important part of these conversations. Though Joey is downplaying his situation, I think he appreciates how well you seem to understand what he's been through.
Mr. Lyons: I remember when I lost my dad a few years ago. It was really difficult.
Joey: Well, I'm okay. (pause) How'd he die?
Mr. Lyons: Just really suddenly. Had a heart attack. One minute he was out mowing the lawn, and the next he was gone. It was really sad. I'm still not completely over it. Don't think I ever will be.
Joey: Yeah. (pause) You know, you should probably get your heart checked out.
Mr. Lyons: Yeah. You're right.
Coach Text: Sharing a personal experience made Joey more comfortable, showing him you at least partly know what he's going through and that you respect him enough to open up about something personal.
Mr. Lyons: Sometimes it's nice to talk to somebody about things like this. Did you ever talk to anyone when your dad died? Maybe a counselor or just someone you know?
Joey: No, I don't like to talk much.
Mr. Lyons: Well, I know it can be hard to talk about these things. We feel like we're men and we can handle anything. But really we can start to feel even worse when we don't talk about things like this.
Joey: (pause) Did you talk to anybody when your dad died?
Mr. Lyons: Well... yeah. I talked to my wife a lot.
Joey: ...
Mr. Lyons: I don't know what I would have done without her, really. I think I would have felt very lost. Something about talking to someone, saying things out loud, you know... It makes them easier to handle. Know what I mean?
Joey: I don't know.
Mr. Lyons: I know this may sound weird, me asking this. But I really want to know, Joey. Do you ever think about killing yourself?
Joey: No. I'm not stupid. I wouldn't do that.
Mr. Lyons: I'm glad to know you wouldn't do that. But even if you wouldn't act on it... do you ever think about it?
Joey: No.
Coach Text: Good. Asking about suicide may feel awkward; but, if you think the student may be thinking of suicide, you have to ask. If he had said he's considered suicide, you would question him more, asking if he has a plan in mind.
My. Lyons: Well, if you ever do feel that way in the future, you can always come to me or someone else at the school. Seriously, Joey, I would want to know. I like you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you.
Joey: ...
My. Lyons: There's also a crisis hotline you can call if you're ever feeling stressed or sad and you don't know what to do about it. It's anonymous, and the people who answer the phones are really good at listening and just helping people think through their problems. I'll give you the number before you leave.
Joey: It don't matter. I'm not feeling like that.
Coach Text: Good. If you're worried about a student, write down the crisis- or suicide-prevention hotline number before meeting with them. Then give it to them during the meeting, even if they say they don't need it.
My. Lyons: It's not uncommon for people who are unhappy to wish they were dead or have thoughts of ending their life. If you ever did have thoughts like that, it wouldn't mean you were crazy. But it might mean you need some help dealing with your feelings.
Joey:...
My. Lyons: Look, I'm not an expert about this stuff. I'm just an English teacher. But I have had other students at the school who lost parents or grandparents, and I know they found it helpful to talk to Ms. Caraway, the school counselor.
Joey: I don't need a psychologist. I'm not crazy.
My. Lyons: I agree. I don't think you're crazy. I just think you're going through a rough time, and Ms. Caraway is really good at helping people deal with difficult stuff.
Joey: But I don't need any help. I'm fine.
Coach Text: By agreeing with Joey ("I agree. I don't think you're crazy"), you're aligning yourself with Joey and building trust. That way, he doesn't see you as someone who's arguing against him for something he doesn't want.
My. Lyons: Have you ever met Ms. Caraway?
Joey: No.
My. Lyons: I'd like to introduce you to Ms. Caraway. That way, you know her and if you decide you do want to talk to her you can. It'll just take a minute.
Joey: No... No, I don't want that. She's not gonna do any good.
My. Lyons: You may be right. Ms. Caraway may not solve all your problems. But I just want to try, just to see if it does help.
Joey: I don't know. I have to think about it.
My. Lyons: Well, here's the thing. I really am worried about you, and I want you to feel better. So, even if we don't go together to see Ms. Caraway, I still want to talk with her... see if she has any ideas for how to help. She's worked with so many students. So she may have some ideas for how to feel better. Okay?
Joey: ...
My. Lyons: Look, if you come down with me, I'll be right there with you and you can leave whenever you want.
Joey: (sigh) Fine. Just for a second. And I'm not gonna say anything.
My. Lyons: That's fine. You can say as much or as little as you want. Let's head down.
Coach Text: I like that you admit the counselor may not solve all Joey's problems. Finding this common area of agreement aligns you with Joey, whereas disagreeing with him ("She will make you feel better") could make him think of you more as an opponent.
End Conversation
Mr. Lyons: Hey, Joey. I just wanted to talk to you about a couple things. (pause) It's okay. You're not in trouble or anything.
Joey: What is it?
Mr. Lyons: Well, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm worried about you.
Joey: Why?
Mr. Lyons: Well, last week when we were finishing up Romeo and Juliet, you wrote some things on the homework assignment that confused me... made me worry about you.
Joey:...
Mr. Lyons: You wrote that it's better to kill yourself than to suffer forever.
Joey: So?
Mr. Lyons: Can you tell me what you meant by that?
Joey: Just what I said... (sighs) If somebody's unhappy every day of their life, they can do what they want. It's their business.
Mr. Lyons: Sometimes, when we're unhappy, it can feel like it's going to go on forever. But emotions don't work that way; they're always changing.
Joey: (under breath) Whatever.
Mr. Lyons: What?
Joey: That's just what people say. It's not true.
Mr. Lyons: Why do you think it's not true?
Joey: 'Cause some people are just born unhappy. It's genetic.
Coach Text: Notice how disagreeing with Joey, even politely, made him dig in and argue even more fiercely for the other side.
Mr. Lyons: Why do you say it's genetic?
Joey: I just... I just think some people are meant to be unhappy and there's nothing those people can do about it. And if you're one of those people, then why not just go ahead and end it? I don't think that's wrong, and I don't think it's anybody else's business.
Mr. Lyons: You might be right that some people are more vulnerable to feeling unhappy because of their genetics. But genetics alone don't make someone unhappy. It's things in our lives, like stress or grief, that make us unhappy, and we can change those things.
Joey: I don't know.
Mr. Lyons: Your grandma's worried about you... about how you're dealing with everything that's happened.
Joey: (under breath) Typical.
Mr. Lyons: What'd you say?
Joey: Typical... That she'd tell you all of our business like that.
Mr. Lyons: I know you've been through a lot that other students in the class haven't. Was it weird for you when we studied Romeo and Juliet, and we had to talk about suicide in class?
Joey: No...
Coach Text: This is a good question, but it didn't go anywhere because of the way it was phrased. If you'd asked this as an open-ended question ("How did it feel when...?" or "What was it like when...?") instead of a yes-or-no question ("Was it weird?"), he might have opened up more.
Mr. Lyons: Sometimes it's nice to talk to somebody about things like this. Did you ever talk to anyone when your dad died? Maybe a counselor or just someone you know?
Joey: No, I don't like to talk much.
Mr. Lyons: You're supposed to talk to people. You're not supposed to keep it bottled up.
Joey: Well, I don't want to talk to anybody!
Coach Text: Telling Joey what he's "supposed" to do only accentuates the uneven power dynamic between him and Mr. Lyons. It also makes him more determined to argue the other side. (Undo)
Mr. Lyons: Look, I'm not an expert about this stuff. But, it seems like you're going through something... having a hard time. I've had a lot of students in the past who were unhappy, and I know they found it helpful to talk to Ms. Caraway, the school counselor.
Joey: No... No, I don't want to talk to anybody.
Mr. Lyons: What's your biggest concern about talking with Ms. Caraway?
Joey: I don't know. It's just really...
Mr. Lyons: Really what?
Joey: Really stupid. I don't need anybody in my business.
Mr. Lyons: I know it can feel strange letting someone into your personal life. I guess most people who go to a counselor feel a little weird about it at first. But I know you're dealing with a lot right now, and I think talking to someone could really help.
Joey: I don't think so. I don't think it'd do anything for me.
Mr. Lyons: I really wish you'd come down to Ms. Caraway's with me, but if you're not ready I understand. It's a lot to think about. Tell you what... why don't you sleep on it and we'll talk again in a couple days?
Joey: Whatever...
Coach Text: Joey's situation is potentially very serious. You must talk to the counselor about him today. Ideally, you'll convince him to go with you to her office or you'll call her to your room while he's there. Undo your last decision and try a different tactic. (Force Undo)
Mr. Lyons: Look, if you come down with me, I'll be right there with you and you can leave whenever you want.
Joey: (sigh) Fine. Just for a second. And I'm not gonna say anything.
Mr. Lyons: That's fine. You can say as much or as little as you want. Let's head down.
End Conversation
JACKIE: Nice job. In this conversation, you encouraged a shy student to open up about a sensitive topic. It helped to use open-ended questions to get him talking, like...
MR. LYONS: Why do you feel unhappy?
MR. LYONS: Why do you think your grandma is so worried?
JACKIE: However, if you ask too many questions in a row, a student can feel like he's being interrogated, instead of feeling like an equal partner in the conversation. This can shut the student down.
As in any conversation, you need to make statements, as well as ask questions; but your statements should encourage the student to continue sharing, not interrupt with your own advice or analysis. This is when reflecting statements are useful, where you reflect what you think the student is saying, thinking, or feeling to make sure you understand.
Consider this exchange…
Show image of Mr. Lyons on the left and Joey on the right, with dialogue bubbles:
JOEY: My grandma works two jobs just to feed everybody. If I were her, I'd stop.
MR. LYONS: So why do you think she does it?
JOEY: ’Cause I’m family. She has to.
JACKIE: Instead of asking another question, you could reflect what you think he means by this.
MR. LYONS: She cares for you because she has to, not because she really wants to.
JACKIE: This lets Joey correct you if you’ve misunderstood.
JOEY: I don’t know. Maybe she does want to, but she shouldn’t do it. That’s what I’m saying.
JACKIE: We often use reflecting statements in casual conversations with friends and family, to clarify what the other person is saying. Notice how often you do this over the next few days. Then, try using it in conversations with students when you want to encourage them to continue sharing.
Here’s another example:
Show image of Mr. Lyons on the left and Joey on the right, with dialogue bubbles: MR. LYONS: How are you dealing with your dad’s death? JOEY: I'm fine. It was a long time ago.Which of these best reflects what you think Joey is saying, thinking, or feeling?
“I’m fine. It was a long time ago.”
JACKIE: Let’s see that choice play out...
MR. LYONS: So you’ve dealt with it and you feel you’re totally over it.
JOEY: I guess I miss my dad sometimes. But my grandma makes too much of it.
JACKIE: (slight pause for users to quickly read these) Next you’ll select another reflecting statement to use...
Which of these best reflects what you think Joey is saying, thinking, or feeling?
“I guess I miss my dad sometimes. But my grandma makes too much of it.”
Because of Joey’s warning signs, we knew he needed to be connected with the counselor as soon as possible. If he had not agreed to see the counselor today, Mr. Lyons should have gone immediately to the counselor to let her know about Joey. And if he thought Joey was in immediate danger, he should contact the counselor or another administrator for support, without leaving Joey alone, even for a minute.