CARA: Jake! Ugh, I stayed up so late last night working on that history paper.
CARA: Are you okay? You look kinda upset.
JAKE: You know how Wyatt's been such a jerk to me lately?
CARA: Yeah?
JAKE: This morning he grabbed my phone and broke the screen, and it's just like, I'm pissed! I'm gonna lose it!
CARA: Why would he do that? Did you say something that made him mad or something?
JAKE: I don't know. I didn't do anything!
COACH: Asking if Jake said something that made Wyatt mad can make him feel like you think it's his fault. A better approach might be to acknowledge his anger and ask if he wants to talk. Then listen and see what he shares. For example, you could say, "I hear that you're angry. Do you wanna talk about it?"
CARA: If you're gonna be like that and not tell me what you mean, then I'm just gonna go.
JAKE: Okay, go!
CARA: I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just wanna understand.
JAKE: Fine, okay! Uhh, I mean.
JAKE: It's not like Wyatt being a massive jerk to me was okay, but I could deal with it. Like, whatever, he's an idiot. But now, he breaks my phone? I'm not, like, rich. But it's more than that. I can't let him keep doing stuff like this. He's walking all over me! I'm sick of it! I'm gonna make him regret it. I don't know how else to make him stop.
COACH: Jake is feeling angry and vulnerable right now. Confronting him about his attitude will likely make him feel more defensive. Validating his feelings and showing you care by trying to understand his situation can create a safe place for him to open up about how he feels and what he's thinking.
CARA: Can't you just get your screen fixed?
JAKE: I literally just told you we don't have that kind of money. Besides, I just,. I have to stand up for myself and do something, show him he can't keep doing this. It's not like anyone else is going to do it.
COACH: Jake didn't ask for advice about fixing his phone. Trying to solve Jake's problems before understanding how he feels might make him less willing to open up. Also, the broken phone is just a symptom of the real issue, which is Wyatt's behavior.
CARA: Just take a deep breath and calm down. It's really not that big a deal, right?
JAKE: Don't you think I've already tried "calming down"? I'm past that. Besides, like, it's not enough he feels the need to torture me every day, but now he breaks my phone too? I'm just saying, he's pushed me around for the last time.
COACH: Telling Jake to calm down makes you seem dismissive of how upset he feels. You might think that Jake is exaggerating, but what matters is that it's a big deal to him. In the future, you might want to say something like, "How can I help?"
CARA: You're not gonna do anything stupid, right?
JAKE: I'm gonna do what I have to do! I don't care if it's "stupid".
COACH: This doesn't invite a conversation or make him feel supported. A better option would be to let Jake know that if he talks with an adult, he may be able to think of some better options. You could say, "I get you're upset, so let's talk it through, and if we can't fix it, we can talk to an adult."
CARA: You have to talk to someone.
JAKE: I don't have to do anything. Who would I even talk to, anyway?
CARA: I dunno, the counselor, or principal, or I guess any adult at school you trust?
JAKE: I doubt they could, or would, do anything anyway.
CARA: What makes you say that?
JAKE: Why would they even care? Plus, it's my problem, I should be the one to deal with it.
CARA: I'm sure you could handle this yourself, but the thing is, like, you don't have to.
JAKE: Whatever.
COACH: It would be more effective and sound more supportive if you suggested that Jake talk to someone, rather than telling him to do so. When supporting a friend, try saying something like, "I'm worried about you. How would you feel about talking to someone who could help? I can go with you, if you want."
CARA: I mean, I can't force you to go. I'm just trying to help.
JAKE: I'll handle this myself, okay? I don't need anyone's help.
COACH: This can make it sound like you're angry at Jake for being hesitant. In the future, you could say something like, "If you don't want to go, I could talk to a teacher for you and get some advice about what to do. I just don't want to see anyone get hurt. You're my friend and I care about you."
JAKE: Can we just drop it? I'm sick of talking about this.
CARA: Jake! Ugh, I stayed up so late last night working on that history paper.
CARA: Are you okay? You look kinda upset.
JAKE: You know how Wyatt's been such a jerk to me lately?
CARA: Yeah?
JAKE: This morning he grabbed my phone and broke the screen, and it's just like, I'm pissed! I'm gonna lose it!
CARA: I'm sorry. That really sucks. But, what do you mean, you're "gonna lose it"?
JAKE: I mean I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna make sure he stops.
COACH: By being sympathetic and trying to understand what Jake means, you show that you care, and that it's safe to open up to you.
CARA: I get it. I'd be angry too! Do you wanna talk about it?
JAKE: I mean, I don't know what it'd do, but fine.
COACH: Acknowledging his anger and inviting him to talk about it lets Jake know that you're there for him.
JAKE: Obviously, Wyatt getting on my case all the time sucked, but I could deal with it, y'know? But my phone?[ My mom and I, we're not like, rich. It's more than that though. I just can't let him keep walking all over me. I have to do something. I'm gonna make him regret it. I don't know how else to make him stop.
COACH: Jake is feeling angry and vulnerable right now. Confronting him about his attitude will likely make him feel more defensive. Validating his feelings and showing you care by trying to understand his situation can create a safe place for him to open up about how he feels and what he's thinking.
CARA: Wyatt pushing you around sucks. I totally get that you're upset about that.
JAKE: Right?! I feel like I don't have any choice but to fight back. Nothing else works.
COACH: When Jake feels you empathize with him, and sees that you understand the situation, he's better able to consider other, better responses to the situation.
CARA: It might help to talk to someone. I remember when Emily was going through her breakup with Sean, she said talking to someone about it really helped.
JAKE: Someone like who?
CARA: Like the counselor, a teacher, any adult at school you trust. I could even go with you, if you want me to.
JAKE: I don't know. I just, I doubt they could, or would, do anything anyway.
CARA: What makes you say that?
JAKE: Why would they even care? Plus, it's my problem, I should be the one to deal with it.
CARA: I'm sure you could handle this yourself, but the thing is, like, you don't have to.
COACH: You brought up the idea of talking to a trusted adult at school, and let Jake know that you'd be willing to go with him. Even if he doesn't choose to go right now, now he knows that he has your support and that there is help available, if he decides to go in the future.
JAKE: (sigh) I'll maybe think about it, I guess. No promises.