MALCOLM: Imagine you’re into someone and it seems like they’re into you. You’re ready to have sex, and you hope they are, too. But how do you know?
ALEX: Yeahhhh. It can be hard to know what someone else wants. You can look for clues, but the surest way is to be direct. Ask if they want what you want.
MALCOLM: Asking for consent means saying things like: “Where do you want this to go tonight?” “Do you want to keep doing this, or do you want to stop?” “I really want to kiss you.” “Do you want to take this to the bedroom?” “Let’s have sex.”
ALEX: You want your partner to have a good time. And a big part of that is checking in with what they’re thinking and feeling. Sometimes that might mean waiting until they’re ready, however long that might be.
MALCOLM: And when you check in, you need to listen to their words and their actions. Words like “yes” and “no” are pretty clear. But words can also be more subtle, like saying their roommate isn’t coming back tonight versus telling you they have an early class tomorrow. Always be listening for signs of enthusiasm or hesitation.
Spoken “No”:
Spoken “Yes”:
ALEX: Also look at their actions:
Actions Saying “No”:
MALCOLM: Asking questions and paying attention to words and actions will give you a sense of what your partner is feeling. And whatever they’re feeling, respect it. They might not want what you want.
ALEX: And they might take things at a different pace. And that’s okay.
MALCOLM: Make sure everything they’re saying and doing match. If you’re getting mixed signals, stop and find out why.
ALEX: Guessing or assuming is never a good idea.
MALCOLM: Right! There are going to be times when you earn’t in perfect sync. It can be a little tough to know how to respond to that. Let’s take a moment to practice.
Your partner just said, “Can we take things a little slower?” Select all the responses that show you are respecting their feelings.
ALEX: If I’m making out with a person, and I think they’re really into it, it’s easy to think they’re giving me consent for other things too. But maybe they just want to make out.
MALCOLM: Right. Consent isn’t a blanket “yes” or “no.”
ALEX: Okay, okay, let’s back up. What exactly is consent?
MALCOLM: There are three parts that need to be present no matter what. Consent must be informed, enthusiastic, and continuous.
Consent must be:
To find your school’s definition of consent, visit the Resources section.
ALEX: Maybe it would help to talk about some examples.
MALCOLM: Yeah. And I mean, there’s an example that’s pretty fresh, for us. One of our friends, well, she was in a toxic relationship.
ALEX: Yeah. One day, in the middle of a fight, her boyfriend pushed her onto the bed and forced himself on her. She was surprised and scared and didn’t fight back. She thought that meant it was her fault.
MALCOLM: She didn’t give consent, and her boyfriend should have realized that. Consent isn’t just the absence of “no,” it needs to be an enthusiastic “yes.” And threats and violence are never okay.
ALEX: I’m happy to say she left him and got the help she needed.
MALCOLM: Another one of our friends, he’d just started seeing this girl, but they hadn’t had sex yet. One night after a party they slept next to each other. The next morning she decided to wake him up with sex.
ALEX: He didn’t give consent. He was asleep, so he couldn’t make an informed decision. It ruined their friendship. After that, he had a hard time wanting to get close to anyone for a while.
MALCOLM: On a personal note, one time I agreed to be filmed having sex, but I couldn’t stop thinking about who might see it. So I stopped and deleted it. I took back my consent. It wasn’t continuous. My partner got kind of upset. That told me I’d made the right choice to delete it, and an even better choice to walk away from that relationship completely.
ALEX: Now you’ll practice checking for consent. You’ll play as Sean. You’ve been hanging out with Kate for a few months now and you want to take the relationship to the next level. At the end of a date, the two of you are back at your apartment, sitting on your bed, and are excited about where things could go.
MALCOLM: You really like Kate and want to have sex with her. You want this to be exciting and fulfilling for both of you. So, before moving forward, you need her informed, enthusiastic, and continuous “yes.”