ALEX: Sometimes you hear or see something happening to a friend, or even a stranger, and you know something is wrong, but you don’t know how to react.
MALCOLM: You might see someone getting aggressive with their partner.
ALEX: Or maybe it’s more complicated, like with our friend Anna. Anna had been hooking up with this guy, Harvey, and when she called things off, he told her she was the love of his life.
MALCOLM: They weren’t even official. That overreaction had us laughing at first, but as time went on, things got intense.
ALEX: “Thinking of you” texts at all hours, comments on all her posts, and he was always, well, there. Wherever she was, he was. He just wouldn’t leave her alone.
MALCOLM: As bystanders, we weren’t sure what to do.
ALEX: Maybe we could’ve, should’ve done something earlier, but finally one night, we didn’t have a choice. The three of us were out. Anna was talking with some guy. And Harvey showed up and asked her to come outside to talk.
MALCOLM: “Asked,” ha. He grabbed her arm and dragged her out. We knew we had to do something.
ALEX: So we talked about our options, the three Ds: delegate, distract, and direct.
To find your school’s bystander intervention techniques, visit the Resources section.
ALEX: We decided to delegate.
MALCOLM: We pulled in a group of friends because there is strength in numbers. And as soon as we got over there Harvey split.
Delegating is best when:
Possible people to delegate to: Use whichever makes the most sense.
ALEX: We had also talked about distracting Harvey, like maybe telling him that his car was being towed. But we decided that could be unsafe because he seemed so upset already.
MALCOLM: If you are ever in any situation where it’s a good idea to distract here are some things you could say:
You can say things like:
MALCOLM: Distracting is a good way to intervene because it interrupts what’s happening.
ALEX: Another option is to be direct. Like talking to the aggressor about their actions. It also means asking the at risk person if they’re okay and what they need. Once Anna and Harvey were apart, we checked with Anna to see how she was doing.
MALCOLM: Anna said she was okay, but that she didn’t want Harvey doing something like this again. So we discussed it with her, and she decided to talk to campus security the next day about everything. When they got involved, Harvey backed off.
ALEX: With Harvey, we didn’t feel it was safe, but in general if you know the aggressor isn’t a danger to you, you can talk directly to them about their actions.
You can say things like:
MALCOLM: One time my friend showed me an “intimate” photo someone sent him. Do you think he asked them if it was okay to show me? So I was direct, and called him out. Even though he kind of laughed it off, he’ll probably think twice before doing it again.
ALEX: As a bystander, there isn’t always one right answer, and sometimes it takes a combination of strategies, or even multiple attempts.
MALCOLM: Now you’ll get to practice being a bystander.
ALEX: You’re at Abby’s party. You see this guy Logan being a little too handsy with your friend Sara. Sara looks like she’s been drinking and isn’t in a state to give consent.
MALCOLM: You want to make sure Sara is okay , and if possible, talk to Logan about his actions. As you do, remember the three Ds: delegate, distract, and be direct.