Here are some easy to remember tips for starting that conversation.
Pic 37: The screen changes to a white screen with the title “Open Ended Questions and Neutral Language” with the following text:
Knowing your child helps you understand their behavior and spot any changes. But what should you do when you notice behavior or changes that concern you? How big should the concern be before you talk to your child? When you do talk to them, what should you say? These are all questions we parents have. The best advice I've heard, is when in doubt, have a conversation. One way to help jump start that conversation is by asking the right kinds of questions.
The right questions can help a child open up and feel comfortable sharing with you. Open ended questions, which don't have a one word answer, usually help kids share more. These are questions like: "How are you feeling?" "What is happening at school?" Or even, "Tell me more about how that makes you feel."
In addition to asking open ended questions, something else that has helped along the way has been to use neutral language. It's easy to feel defensive if you feel like someone is interrogating you! Take breaks and show empathy by saying things like, "That must be hard" or "That sounds tough" which validate your child's feelings.
You can also bring up things you noticed using neutral language that focuses on your perception of the child's behavior. This could sound like: "I noticed you've been spending more time alone." Using neutral language to bring up what you noticed followed by an open ended question is a great way to get the conversation started.
These are skills that provide great opportunities for you to model good behavior and social skills. It also lets your child know that they always have someone who is there to support them and talk to them whenever they need it.
Pic 38: The screen changes to one titled “Choose one to see how the conversation could play out:” with two word bubble options, one being “Did you have a good time at school today?” and the other being “What was something interesting you learned at school today?”
Player chooses “What was something interesting you learned at school today?”
Pic 39: The screen changes to one with the text “An open ended question allows the child to open up and share more.” Underneath is a conversation between a child and an adult told through speech bubbles.
Adult: What was something interesting you learned at school today?
Child: Well… I read this book about reptiles and marine animals. Did you know alligators can grow over two thousand teeth in their lifetime?
Adult: That’s a lot of teeth! Thank goodness they don’t need to buy toothpaste!
Pic 40: The screen returns to Hope at the café, with an image next to her of a question mark in a speech bubble with the text “Open ended questions.” Next to this image, two lines extend outwards to represent how open ended questions encourage more conversation.
HOPE: Asking open ended questions means that your child may share more information with only one question.
Pic 41: A banner appears beneath Hope with the words “Learn a lot about school today?” on it.
HOPE: I used to ask my kids questions like "Learn a lot at school today?" and then get frustrated when I didn’t hear much more than ‘Yes, Mom’ and ‘No, Mom.’
Pic 42: A red line strikes through the text.
HOPE: That’s because they were closed questions.
Pic 43: The text is replaced with the title “Open Ended Questions” and the words “What was your favorite thing you did today?”
HOPE: Once I learned the difference and started asking open ended questions like, "What was your favorite thing you did today?" it clicked! My son opened up like a faucet. (imitating) "Well I went to the school library during English class and at first I couldn’t find anything I liked but then Ms. Thompson showed me there was a whole section just on fishing! Can you believe it? So I tried to check out the entire section." It doesn’t always work, but when it does, it’s like magic. (chuckles)
And getting them comfortable talking is a great starting point.
Pic 44: A new banner appears with the title “Build Resilience,” with the text “How does that make you feel?” and “What do you think you should do now?” underneath.
HOPE: It means when something tough does arise, they are ready and able to ask for your help and that’s where you can ask questions that will help build resilience. Questions like “How does that make you feel?” and “What do you think you should do now?” This helps our children learn that working through a challenge is a good thing and a skill that can be practiced. They might need to get creative. So… what would you like to talk about now?
Player chooses “I’d like to learn more about ways of modeling good listening skills and body language.”
HOPE: Part of being a parent is being a role model for your child. You’re already doing so many positive things without even thinking about it. Here are a few additional tips and techniques for modeling listening skills and body language.
Pic 45: A new screen appears with the title “Listening” with an image of two figures, one with a word bubble which has an arrow in it pointing to the other figure. The screen includes this text:
Have you ever been lectured to? Maybe when you were a kid? Or maybe it’s something you still experience.
It’s easy to tune someone out when we don’t feel validated or heard. That’s why it’s so important to show others you’re there to listen.
Pic 46: The next slide has an image of a phone with an X over it and the following text:
Listening is more than nodding along. Here are some ways to model good listening skills for your child:
1. First, give them your attention. Make eye contact and put your phone or device away.
Pic 47: The next slide has an image of a word bubble with an X inside with the text:
2. Next, learn when not to talk. It’s important to give your child space to share.
Pic 48: This slide has an image of a figure with open arms and a heart above them and the following text:
3. Then, when your child comes to you, be genuine and direct. They’ll know when you’re being insincere or trying to solve their problems for them. Instead, let them know you love them and care about them.
Pic 49: This slide has an image of a check mark, a heart, and a question mark along with the text:
4. Finally, following through verbally and non verbally. This means checking in later, giving them a hug and asking how things are going.
Pic 50: This slide has the “Build Resiliency” icon with the text:
These simple steps can help your child feel supported and will make these kinds of conversations more likely to continue, which will mean you have more opportunities to talk about and build resilience.
Pic 51: The image returns to Hope at the café.
HOPE: What would you like to talk about now?
Player chooses “I’d like to learn more about activities to foster resiliency.”
Pic 52: A circle appears next to hope with the text “Build Resiliency” and the Build resiliency icon.
HOPE: When it comes to activities and communication that builds resiliency, there’s one other tidbit I wanted to share: they don’t have to be at the same time every day, and they don’t have to always be conversations at the dinner table.
Pic 53: The title “Activities” replaces the previous text. Beneath it appears the text “Long drive” with an icon of a car next to it as well as the text “Reading together” with an icon of a book next to it.
HOPE: Building resiliency can occur while doing a variety of activities together. I’ve found that my kids are really responsive to having these resiliency building conversations during a long drive, or on the beach when we’re reading our books.
I always look for opportunities in the books we’re reading. For instance, if one of the characters is facing a particular challenge or feeling worried or sad, I remind them that we all feel these emotions and that I am always here to talk and help them figure out a good solution. To make sure we have a good supply of books on hand, we even plan out trips to our area’s public library. The drive gives us the chance to talk about anything that may be bothering them and to work through it together. Those conversations have even inspired our book selections.