MORGAN: Now it’s time to reach out to Travis to see what’s going on. The most challenging part of talking to a friend about something sensitive is bringing it up without making the friend defensive. Remember those conversation skills I told you about? Now’s the time to learn all about them.
Skill #1 is avoid negative labels at all costs! They make the other person feel bad and don’t help you reach out to them in an effective way.
Imagine Anna wants to write Travis a text...
"Hey. What's up? You've been acting weird lately."
Maybe you can already tell this isn’t the best way to put it. If someone told you you were acting “weird,” you’d probably get defensive. You might shut down and stop listening. Let’s change that before we send it…
Anna: Hey. What's up? You've been quiet lately.
Skills #2 and 3 -- Don’t judge. And focus on specific, observable behaviors.
What do you think about this one?
Anna appears in bottom right spot with text:
"You've been drinking too much lately"
Wow, a little judgy... There are two good reasons not to judge. First, it makes the other person feel terrible. Second, a judgment is just your opinion, so Travis could deny it. Instead of judging, focus on specific, observable behaviors -- things Travis can’t deny.
Skill #4 -- Use I statements to soften your observations.
Anna pops into top spot with 3 chat bubbles.
- "I feel like you’ve been drinking more the last few months."
- "I think you’ve been drinking more the last few months."
- "It seems like you’ve been drinking more the last few months."
Notice how adding “I feel like,” “I think,” or “It seems like” can soften a sentence a lot. We call a sentence like this an “I statement.” I statements make things easier to hear because you’re admitting... it’s just your perception.
The final conversation skill -- Don’t give advice about sensitive topics unless you’re asked.
Unless they ask for your opinion, no one wants advice about something sensitive. It makes the other person feel like you don’t trust them to solve their own problems. If you think your advice is really important try it as a question…
Now you try a few… I’ll show you some possible things the friends might say to Travis--in email, through an online conversation, or face-to-face--and you decide if each one is helpful or unhelpful.
Multiple Choice Activity
- It seems like you haven’t gotten over your break-up with Tia. [HELPFUL]
Here you’re using an I statement (“It seems like...”) to make the statement softer. Travis is less likely to get upset when you put it this way. - You slept 13 hours yesterday. What’s going on? [HELPFUL]
This is a specific, observable behavior. It probably won’t make Travis defensive. - Why were you rude to Mike the other day? [UNHELPFUL]
Here, you’re labeling his behavior as “rude,” which he will likely deny. You’re more likely to get a real response if you soften it: “You seemed frustrated with Mike the other day. What happened?” - You shouldn’t get so upset over a girl. [UNHELPFUL]
Beware whenever you find yourself starting a sentence with “You should…” or “You shouldn’t…” You’re entering Advice Town, and no one wants you to go there. - Why do you think your grades went down? [HELPFUL]
Here, you’re asking about a specific, observable behavior: Travis’s grades going down. He can’t deny this, so it shouldn’t make him defensive. - I think you really messed up. [UNHELPFUL]
Starting with “I think” or “I feel” doesn’t help if you’re also judging your friend. It’s better to empathize than to judge: “It sounds like you’re confused about what to do.” - Stop saying stuff like that to people. [UNHELPFUL]
This is advice. Better to talk about specific, observable behaviors or use an I statement: “You told Anna to get a life. I think that upset her.” - You were soooo sloppy drunk last night. [UNHELPFUL]
Travis may not like being labelled as “sloppy drunk.” It might embarrass him and make him not want to keep talking with you. Better to talk about specific, observable behaviors and use I statements: “You seemed to drink more than usual last night.” - How can you live like this? [UNHELPFUL]
This sounds like judging. A better question would be “How do you feel, living like this?” - I think you’re getting high more often lately. [HELPFUL]
This is an observable behavior, softened with an “I statement.” It probably won’t upset him.
MORGAN: Travis has been posting “sad things online.” And his friends have done the right thing by reaching out to him whenever he did, to ask if he was okay or wanted to talk. So far he hasn’t really opened up to anybody, and today Jesse is going over to his place to see him.
You’ll play Jesse, and your goal is to let Travis know you’re concerned and find out how he’s doing. Conversations like this are best face-to-face, but any conversation is better than none at all. However you have a conversation like this, it should be private. So let’s head over to Travis’s apartment to talk…
Example of Conversation with Travis:
Travis: Hey, sorry the place is such a mess. I just... You got over here so fast, you know.
Jesse: Hey, you know I don't care. I just feel bad for Whiskers. Looks like he's scared to get off the couch these days.
Travis: Ha, yeah. I think you may be right. Hey, you want a beer?
Jesse: Oh, no thanks. I'm good. I feel like we don't hang out much anymore. What are you up to?
Travis: Oh, just work. I have so much stuff to do, you wouldn't believe.
Jesse: Oh, like what?
Travis: I've got like five or six projects I'm supposed to be working on.
Jesse: Wow, that's a lot.
Travis: Yeah. A couple of profs last semester gave me extensions, so that's a ton of work. But now this semester's piling up, too.
Coach Text: This is a great way to start the conversation. You brought up Travis's absence in a non-judgmental way, using an "I statement." ("I feel like we don't hang out much anymore.") Good job.
Jesse: Sounds rough, man.
Travis: Yeah. So what's up with you?
Jesse: Oh, the usual, you know. Nothing much.
Travis: How'd it go with that library science girl?
Jesse: (laughs) Not good.
Travis: What happened? She was too much for you, wasn't she? You have to watch out for those library types.
Jesse: Ha, no... It's a long story. I tell you some other time.
Travis: Hey, something the matter? You seem... Something on your mind?
Coach Text: Sometimes it can be hard to keep these conversations focused. It's fine to let the conversation evolve naturally, just don't forget what you came to talk about.
Jesse: I just got to thinking about what you said the other day... about giving up painting and switching majors and all... I can't believe it.
Travis: Yeah. I know.
Coach Text: Good. You're bringing up something he's told you (a specific, observable behavior) without judging his actions or labeling them.
Jesse: I thought you really loved painting, and you're really good at it. What's going on?
Travis: We can't all be great. Sometimes you just have to wake up, face reality.
Jesse: When did you stop enjoying painting?
Travis: I don't know. I haven't painted anything I can even stand to look at in months.
Jesse: You know, I hate to bring this up but...
Travis: (interrupts) But you will anyway...
Jesse: (laughs) Yes. I will anyway. I was just gonna say it seems like everything kind of changed after you and Tia broke up.
Travis: Look, this isn't about her. Trust me.
Jesse: Maybe not. It's just what I noticed.
Travis: Well, yes, it was a rough time, but I would have made this decision anyway, eventually.
Coach Text: This is a good example of an "I statement" ("I feel like something changed after the break-up"). This makes the statement less threatening than if you just said, "Something changed after the break-up."
Jesse: Well look, Trav. It's not just your change in major that worries me. You just don't seem happy these days.
Travis: (pause) Are you happy? I mean really?
Jesse: I don't know. I guess. I mean, not all the time, but usually, yeah.
Travis: Well, you're lucky.
Jesse: So you're not happy.
Travis: I'm just bogged down right now, with school and everything. I've got this pressure riding on me all the time. (pause) I don't know. I guess... I've gotten everything in a mess, you know? (long silence) Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Not have to deal with any of this.
Jesse: What does that mean?
Travis: I mean... I've screwed up so bad. I don't see any way out of it.
Coach Text: Travis is saying some pretty heavy things. If you ever think a friend may be considering suicide, it's best to just come out and ask the question ("Are you thinking about killing yourself?"). It doesn't hurt to ask, and it won't put the idea in their head if it's not there already.
Jesse: Are you talking about suicide?
Travis: No! No. I just... It's just been a hard few months. That's all. I don't know. I guess I sound like a real loser. I'm sorry.
Jesse: Trav, please. Don't apologize. You don't sound like a loser. You're just dealing with a lot right now.
Travis: Yeah.
Jesse: Have you thought about going to the counseling center?
Travis: The what?
Jesse: The counseling center on campus.
Travis: No, I've never heard of it.
Coach Text: Good. By bringing it up as a question ("Ever thought about going to the counseling center?") you broached the topic without offering advice. This is better than saying, "I think you need to go to the counseling center."
Jesse: Yeah, it's over on College Drive. They have a lot of counselors you can talk to, but it's cheap 'cause you're a student.
Travis: Eh, I don't know. It's not that bad. I mean, what, you think I'm crazy?
Coach Text: It's not true that only people with very serious issues use the counseling center. A lot of students use counseling to learn more about themselves and work through problems everyone experiences from time to time, like stress, grief, and relationship issues.
Jesse: I actually know a few people who've used the counselor. I guess they all got something out of it.
Travis: Maybe I'll think about it. I just have so much to do, you know? It's kind of silly to go do something like that when you've got all this work piling up around you.
Coach Text: One out of every 10 college students use their counseling center at some point. That means a lot of people you know in college will actually use the counseling center at least once.
Jesse: Look, I don't want to pressure you to do something you don't want to do. So... what do you think makes sense? What do you think would help?
Travis: I don't know. I think I can take care of it all on my own. I just... I'm not sure where to start.
Jesse: Yeah.
Travis: (sigh) Okay, fine... If you think the counseling center might help, I guess I can try.
Jesse: Cool. Maybe we should look up their website. Where's your laptop?
Travis: Uh, now I have to find the laptop? This is already more work that I wanted to do today.
Jesse: Yeah, yeah. (pause) Hey, just so you know, I'm really glad you're doing this. And I won't tell mention it to anybody or anything. You can tell them if you want, okay?
Travis: (nods) Thanks.
End Conversation
Weak Example of Conversation with Travis:
Travis: Hey, sorry the place is such a mess. I just... You got over here so fast, you know.
Jesse: Hey, you know I don't care. I just feel bad for Whiskers. Looks like he's scared to get off the couch these days.
Travis: Ha, yeah. I think you may be right. Hey, you want a beer?
Jesse: Oh, no thanks. I'm good.
Jesse: So why don't I ever see you anymore?
Travis: What do you mean? You saw me just last week at the art show.
Coach Text: It's an exaggeration to say you "never" see him. Plus, it almost sounds like you're blaming him for something. Try to start the conversation on a more positive tone.
Jesse: I just got to thinking about what you said the other day... about giving up painting and switching majors and all... I can't believe it.
Travis: Yeah. I know.
Coach Text: Good. You're bringing up something he's told you (a specific, observable behavior) without judging his actions or labeling them.
Jesse: So what will you do now?
Travis: I don't know. My dad thinks I should go into something business... marketing or advertising or something. He thinks my "drawing skills" might help. (laughs) He actually said that.
Jesse: How do you feel about all this?
Travis: I just gotta do something easier. This is too much work.
Jesse: What do you mean?
Travis: Everyone thinks it's so easy to be an art major. But you have to be in a studio all the time, always thinking, getting inspired... It takes so much concentration. And for what? Just to make some thing that no one wants to look at? Huh. I'd take an easy major like yours any day, where I can just lay in bed, read a book, take an exam, and be done with it.
Coach Text: It's easy to get frustrated when he talks about your major like this. But try to stay calm and just roll with it. Look for common ground.
Jesse: I don't think you really understand what other majors are like.
Travis: Don't talk down to me, okay? I see you guys. I know how easy you have it.
Coach Text: You may be right that Travis has a skewed view of other majors. But, when someone is upset and defensive, disagreeing with them only causes them to dig in deeper. You're not likely to change their mind. Instead, try to find common ground.
Jesse: I guess it takes a lot of work to be creative all the time. It must feel good to give it up.
Travis: Well... It's not all bad. Hey, you want a slice? It's just from last night; it's still good.
Jesse: Uh, no thanks. I haven't had all my vaccinations. Better not chance it.
Travis: Funny. So enough about my stuff. Tell me something about you.
Coach Text: Good job rolling with his statements, instead of arguing. By agreeing and expanding on his comments ("It must feel good to give it up"), you diffused his hostility and opened the door to explore the other side -- reasons why he might not want to switch majors.
Jesse: Well look, Trav. It's not just your change in major that worries me. You just don't seem happy these days.
Travis: (pause) Are you happy? I mean really?
Jesse: I don't know. I guess. I mean, not all the time, but usually, yeah.
Travis: Well, you're lucky.
Jesse: So you're not happy.
Travis: I'm just bogged down right now, with school and everything. I've got this pressure riding on me all the time. (pause) I don't know. I guess... I've gotten everything in a mess, you know? (long silence) Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Not have to deal with any of this.
Jesse: What does that mean?
Travis: I mean... I've screwed up so bad. I don't see any way out of it.
Coach Text: Travis is saying some pretty heavy things. If you ever think a friend may be considering suicide, it's best to just come out and ask the question ("Are you thinking about killing yourself?"). It doesn't hurt to ask, and it won't put the idea in their head if it's not there already.
Jesse: So what do you think you're going to do?
Travis: Nothing... I don't know. I don't know. I guess I sound like a real loser. I'm sorry.
Jesse: Trav, please. Don't apologize. You don't sound like a loser. You're just dealing with a lot right now.
Travis: Yeah.
Jesse: Do you have anyone to talk to?
Travis: What do you mean? I'm talking to you right now.
Jesse: But... anyone else? I mean, it's a lot to deal with all on your own.
Travis: I don't know. It's my problem.
Jesse: I think you should go to the counseling center.
Travis: The what?
Jesse: The counseling center on campus.
Travis: No. What are you talking about?
Coach Text: Avoid giving advice. Instead, ask questions, like "Have you heard about the counseling center?" or "Have you ever considered going to the counseling center?"
Jesse: Look, I'm not saying you have to see a counselor. I know you can manage things on your own. I just wonder if it might make things easier for you, so you can get through all this stuff you've got to do.
Travis: Yeah. Well, I'll definitely think about it, okay? (pause, looking at Jesse) What? What is it?
Jesse:I don't know.
Travis: I said I'd think about it. What more do you want from me?
Jesse: Why are you hesitant about it?
Travis: Well, I don't know... How excited am I supposed to be about going to see a counselor? Does it sound like fun to you?
Jesse: (laugh) Well, maybe. I mean, compared to what? Sitting around here all day?
Travis: (laughs) Yeah, like maybe I should go just to get out of the house.
Jesse: (laughs) Yeah, but I think they have a no shirt, no shoes, no service policy.
Travis: Oh. See, that's the problem...
Jesse: Look, I don't want to pressure you to do something you don't want to do. So... what do you think makes sense? What do you think would help?
Travis: I don't know. I think I can take care of it all on my own. I just... I'm not sure where to start.
Jesse: Yeah.
Travis: (sigh) Okay, fine... If you think the counseling center might help, I guess I can try.
Jesse: Cool. Maybe we should look up their website. Where's your laptop?
Travis: Uh, now I have to find the laptop? This is already more work that I wanted to do today.
Jesse: Yeah, yeah. (pause) Hey, just so you know, I'm really glad you're doing this. And I won't tell mention it to anybody or anything. You can tell them if you want, okay?
Travis: (nods) Thanks.
End Conversation
MORGAN: Travis’s situation seems to be bad and getting worse. It may be more than he can handle on his own. Fortunately, there’s a place on campus where students can find professional counselors to help them meet challenges like stress, sadness, relationship issues, drug and alcohol abuse, and eating issues. Campus mental health services are confidential and available to students for free or at a highly reduced cost.
Your next goal is to tell Travis about these services—known at his school as a counseling center—and encourage him to make an appointment.
We’ll talk later about other options, in case you’re not comfortable having this kind of conversation in real life.
If a friend does not agree to seek help, there are still things you can do, like calling the counseling center for advice or talking to someone on campus, like a faculty or staff member or an RA or student leader. If you ever think a friend is in immediate danger of harming himself or someone else, you should call 911, campus police, or a crisis hotline.
These resources are also there for you, in case you ever realize that you’d like support, yourself. Check out the resources section in your menu for a list of supportive places in your school and community.
You’ve now completed the simulation!
Thanks for helping keep your friends safe!
Resources and Links
The National Suicide Prevention Lifelife
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
For veterans press 1
En español oprima el 2
suicidepreventionlifeline.org »
The Jed Foundation
Promoting emotional health and preventing suicide.
www.jedfoundation.org »
The Trevor Lifeline (for LGBTQ youth)
866-488-7386
thetrevorproject.org »
Active Minds
Dedicated to raising mental health awareness among college students
www.activeminds.org »
Student Veterans of America
Provide military veterans with the resources, support, and advocacy needed to succeed in higher education and following graduation.
studentveterans.org »
Certificate of Completion
Please click the link below to request a certificate of completion.